Into you, I Go
by rainypromise
Summary: Things change in record speed around Alice Academy, but for Natsume, when it comes to what matters most, some things doesn't change at all. Someone should've told him "Becareful what you wish for." HIATUS
1. Tempting Fate

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter One: Tempting Fate

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

If I am,

Another waste of everything you dreamed of,

I will let you down...

If I am,

Only here to watch as you suffer,

I will let you down.

So you're walking on the edge,

And you wait your turn to fall.

But you're so far gone,

That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you.

And you could find the fault,

In the heart that you've been handed.

For though you cannot fly,

You're not content to crawl.

If I Am by Nine Days

Thoughts swirled in Mikan's mind in an never ending circle. Half finished sentences scattering in her brain as it tried to analyze this impossible situation she was in. But, her brain, being not one of her strongest strength refused to coaporate with her. Instead it waved a white flag and blithely went out to lunch. She would've cursed it, if she could remember some curses that she heard from the boys in her class.

She wanted to blame Hotaru for abandoning her and Mr. Narumi who assigned them this sensitive topic in the first place, why couldn't he give them something normal, like 'your thoughts on the situation between Alice users and non-Alice' or something along the lines of that, huh? With a topic like that, she was sure that she wouldn't be in this kind of situation.

She jerked back to reality when she felt warm hands on the curve of her waist, the strength and size of them made her nervous. When his warm breath flirted with her ear, she had to supress a shiver.

She could feel the solidness of the ancient bookshelf behind her, digging onto her back as he pressed his body hard against hers, even with the cover of their uniform, she could feel the heat radiating off his skin. His raven hair was soft and tickled her cheek as he tucked his face beside hers. She bit her lip when he touched his soft lips to the sensitive curve of her ear.

"I warned you not to push me."

Her hands finally found the will to stop his when a hand moved upwards, stopping just below her left breast.

She should've just ignored him but she was so angry, angry the way that only he can make her and she was tired of the way he kept messing with her head.

After years of teasing and yelling, one would think that she would get use to it by now but this last year especially these last few months the teasing and taunting had went into a whole new level that she just couldn't shrug it off like she used to. Their fights that were usually playful changed into something entirely different.

It was subtle at first but…

_Come down, Mikan. He's only teasing you like always. If you just suck it up and stand your ground, he's gonna back down. Do you want to be laugh at again? _

Mikan clenched her teeth but her determination faltered when his hands pressed against her uniform, kneading the soft flesh beneath it. She gulped when she realized their delicate position, if somebody saw them…there will definitely be hell to pay, not to mention her reputation that was never good to begin with. And what if Hotaru got this on tape? They were in the library for God's sake!

She moved her legs restlessly, bumping against his, but froze when he eased a knee between hers, nudging her legs apart and pressed closer against her. Feeling the hardness of his chest and stomach against her softness, his body enveloping hers, it reminded her that he was way bigger, faster and stronger. There was no way she could ever win against him.

She felt claustraphobic, the air was too hot and stifling, her body was churning with sensations that she didn't understand. The beat of her heart was deafening and she jolted with surprise when she realized that she could feel his heartbeat too, beating hard and fast, echoing hers. When she felt his hot breath on her neck, raising the fine hairs on her nape, to say she was nervous as hell was an understatement. She was closer to running and screaming her head off.

She acknowledged that _maybe_ she was in the wrong. She admitted that _maybe_, she did provoke him needlessly and that he _did _warn her. Some time she _does_ and say things without thinking first.

At this point, she will admit anything as long as he let her go before she explode.

"All right. I'm sorry. I give up." She said sulkily and pushed at his hands but it didn't budge from its uncomfortable position just below her breasts. She glared at his chest, the only thing from his person that she can look at without tilting her head up and right now she was not in the mood to see his victorious smirk. "Come on. I said I'm sorry. Let me go already." She whined, her pretty mouth settled into a pout.

The voice that answered was harsh and sharp. "No."

Surprised by the hard tone in his voice, she unwittingly tilted her head up to see his face and meet his eyes.

Something in her reacted to the dark glint in his eyes, her stomach turned and twisted painfully, the two hands that were holding his immobile pushed harder, trying to make him release her as she felt butterflies bounced around on the walls of her stomach. Her amber eyes fixed on his, she squirmed and tried to slip away but she was no match for his strength. "Let me go."

"No."

When she shut her eyes and moved her head down so she didn't have to look at him, she found her head jerked up by his hands that moved from her waist to fist in her long chesnut hair, so she had no choice but to look at him.

Her throat felt raw and dry but she swallowed her pride and pleaded, unsure of the rules in this new game that he was playing. "Please."

Thinking that she was free when his grip in her hair suddenly weakened, she sighed softly.

It was a mistake.

She saw dark heat flashed in his uniqely colored eyes and opened her mouth to say something but she only managed to get out one word before he covered her mouth with his. "Natsume-"


	2. The Pesky Little Thing Called Emotion

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Two: The Pesky Little Thing Called Emotion

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

For a second of your life

Tell me that it's true

Waiting for a sign

It's all I want of you

Your heart hides a secret

A promise of what is

Of something more than this

Just a second of your time

Any one will do

A taste of any other

Is all I want from you

Offer me the world

And how can I resist

Something more than this?

More than This by The Cure

_Gods, she feels so good._

It was crazy.

_He_ was crazy.

If someone called him on it, he won't even bother to deny it.

Natsume kept one hand gripping her hair while the other was on her back to angle her body closer to his.

He felt like dying but his body never felt more alive.

He swallowed her gasps, breathing her in. Enjoying the taste of her lips, feasting on the sounds that came out of her throat.

He nipped her bottom lip hard, almost hard enough to draw blood and felt the shock that ran through her body as her hands clenched and unclenched on the front of his jacket, as though unsure whether to cling to him or push him away.

_So long. Wanted this for so long._

With her body against his, feeling how soft and delicate she was, he struggled against his own need and tried to restrain his greed. He tried to gentle his touch, tried to be more patient but couldn't.

Her hair was cool silk against his hands, spilling generously through his fingers. Her mouth was an intoxicating mix of hot fever and gentle innocence. The sweet scent that had teased and tantalized him for years was heady, clouding his already misty brain leaving only one repeating word echoing in his mind.

_More. _

Natsume slanted his head and deepened the kiss, pressing harder. He groaned when he felt her tremble in response. The hand on her back slid up then down in one slow motion, arching her back, pressing all those soft curves to his hardness, lifting her up to her tippy toes. A surprise sound escaped from her lips, her mouth opened slightly and he followed the sound with his tongue. He felt her hand clenched on his shirt.

There was desperation and there was need.

Natsume has always been familiar with both.

All his life there had always been desperation and need; always changing, always the same.

He needed her, he knew that, even she knew that to some level. Their close friends knew that he needed her even before he did.

But need is a volatile emotion, capable of growing or diminishing. In his case, it grew; unrecognized, unrestrained, unwanted and unnoticed.

Like a cancer, it grew inside of him, eating away at him, destroying his defences until there was nothing left. All without him knowing until it was too late.

Without his defences, need grew into craving.

He wanted her before, needed her before, with all the selfishness, posessiveness and intolerance that only a child can feel. He wanted but his unwillingness to want joined with the fear of losing, jealousy and pride created a whirlwind of emotion in a boy that was not used to feel so much.

Especially when it was centered on a girl.

A stupid, annoying, innocent one at that.

He tried to hide it at first, covering it up with sharp words, feigning disinterest but even though how hard he tried, he couldn't convinced himself that he hated her, much less everybody else.

But he made his peace with it, with her. They clashed horribly, true, but in some ways they managed to help each other, complete each other, even liked each other.

They became friends. He could even admit, though not out loud, she understood things about him that others couldn't and accepted him as he was when she couldn't; grumpy, cynic, suspicious, sharp tongued and somewhat of a pervert.

In his darkest, coldest times, he curled and huddled in her warmth like it was the only thing that kept him…human.

The urge to touch her goes with the territory, wanting to grasp her hand as she dragged him to class or wherever, wanting to lay his head on her shoulder as she sat beside him talking about everything and nothing beneath their favorite tree, to hold her and be held in return. It was always there because he depended on her warmth to hold the darkness at bay.

But these past few months, every time she touched him, he burned.


	3. A Kiss is Not A Kiss If

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Three: A Kiss is Not A Kiss If…

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

Back me down from backing up

Hold your breath now it's hacking up

Etched with mark spot I can deal

And you're the problem and you can't feel

Try this on,

Straight jacket feeling

So maybe I won't be alone

Take back now my life you're stealing

Yesterday was on

And all the things you've put me through

I'm holding on but letting go of you

Straight Jacket Feeling by The All American Rejects

Mikan gulped down air when Natsume finally released her lips, weak-kneed and out of breath, not to mention confused, she leaned quietly with her eyes closed, trying to return her jumbled thoughts into some kind of order, not that they were straight and narrow earlier, but the very least, she wanted to be sure that she can take a step without falling flat on her face, she was a klutz, yeah, but she was never _that_ bad.

Her eyes snapped open when she felt something warm touched her trembling lips. It was Natsume's thumb, caressing her bottom lips with a soothing touch. The touch and his eyes made her aware of the changes in her body. Her skin felt hot and oversensitive, her legs were weak, her hands were trembling and..dare she say it…even her breasts felt..different somehow.

She blinked slowly, her eyes caught by the intensity of Natsume's eyes. There was always something in his eyes that got to her, besides the strange beautiful color. There was the unblinking focus, the way that they can zoom in on you and make you feel…it depended on the situation really, if when he was in a rare good mood, when his eyes settled on her face, she felt special, as if she was the only thing worth seeing. When he was angry at someone, the look in his eyes can make you feel like prey who only has a second to live.

It disturbed her, that these last few weeks, she caught a different look in his eyes every time their eyes met, a look that made her heart beat faster and her face turned hot; a look that made her feel special but also like something hunted.

Always, every time she thought they were getting along, he would pushed her away. Emotionally and physically. She understood though, she knew that he needed the distance, she knew how he needed to feel in control. Why he needed to feel in control and because she understood, she gave him his solitude and waited, knowing that Natsume always came back to them.

Of course there had been times where she had to poke and prod him out of his solitude, to pull him away from the dark that he adamantly thinks he belong to. There had been times where she had to chip away at his icy walls until she found the part of him that likes to tease, make fun, who is caring and lonely. Usually, she talks his ear off, nag at him until he burns something or finally give in to her.

She thought that this was the best methode to get rid of the strange funk that Natsume's been having. For days, she whined, cursed, teased, nagged, dragged, pulled, pushed, demanded, insulted, stole his beloved manga's, kidnapped Ruka, sicced his fan girls on him but whatever she did, he merely stared at her with quiet, long looks that got on her nerves. She tried to ask him if there was something wrong, whether that he had something to tell her, but again, he either ignored her or just blinked at her in silence. She tried to confront him, interogated him, spied on him, provoked him, sweet talked him but, _nada_. She was starting to dwindle slowly into madness when Mr. Narumi had the bright idea to partner her and Natsume for an assignment about poetry with kisses as its theme.

After an hour of working silently with darkboy Natsume, her journey to madness picked up it's pace. Innocently, she wondered aloud on how kissing would feel, how great it would be if she got her first kiss from someone she loved. It took her two seconds before realizing that she already had her first kiss and with the boy that was currently glaring at her with two ruby red eyes, flashing with displeasure.

Defensively, she pursed her lips and muttered that that wasn't a true kiss since they were only ten and it wasn't like she kissed him back anyway.

Besides, she didn't even want to kiss him.

When she saw the flickers of anger in Natsume's eyes, she realized that she finally found something that could make him angry and smirked as she delivered her coup de grace, "I bet that your first kiss was Mr. Narumi. Tell me, did you faint in his arms?"

That was when she found herself, whirled around, pinned against a bookshelf, in one of the darkest, deepest corners of the huge library by none other than an angry Natsume who at sixteen was a foot taller and several pounds heavier than she was which she never begrudged, until now.

They were way past the time where she can pounce and wrestle him to the ground.

Anyway, back to the current problem, Mikan stared at the Natsume who was breathing hard, eyes flashing, Natsume finally spoke full sentences at her, though she didn't particularly care for this sentence, anyway.

"How about that as a first kiss?" His fiery eyes had an unholy gleamed in them. Mikan jerked her head back to put some distance between them and ended up banging her head against the shelves.

"Itai." She hissed sharply, in reflex she brought a hand to rub at the back of her head. Her attention suddenly brought back to Natsume when he chuckled low in his throat. His fingers joined with hers on her head, searching for a bump, his touch surprisingly soothing and gentle.

"Sssh. You don't want anyone to come and find us like this, ne?" His voice was as creamy and low as his chuckle that sent shivers down her back.

The words broke whatever spell his touched weaved on her and her body stiffened again, but before she could push at him, he caught her wrists and held it on both sides of her head, his thumbs brushing her cheeks.

Mikan glared at him, her face turned mutinous, making her look like an angry kitten. "I learned my lesson. I'll leave you alone. So just let me go."

Angry eyes turned suddenly crafty and sly. His expression turned thoughtful. "Let me think. Hm. No."

Mikan stamped her foot, unknowingly grazing her thigh and leg against his. "Why not? You already got what you wanted."

An elegant brow quirked. "What do you think that is?"

Mikan blinked and sputtered. "Well, to prove your point. To embarass me." She blinked then threw her gaze from his questioning face. "Whatever."

When he didn't comment, Mikan returned her eyes to his and suddenly felt her legs turned into liquid.

"Yajou…" Natsume breathed his special nickname for her, the heat of his breath were sharp pricks against her lips. The smooth and texture of his voice made her stomach feel funny. Her humiliation quota was already high for the day, she didn't need to add it up by hurling on Natsume's shoes..face…whatever. "..you absolutely have no idea what it is I want."

"Fine. So, I don't know. Obviously, I'm stupid. You've been right all this ti-"

"Admitting defeat? To me? This isn't like you." Natsume shifted his hold on Mikan's wrist, entangling their fingers. Mikan could feel the length and warmth of his hand as he laced their fingers, their palms pressed together.

Lazily he lifted their hands higher and Mikan felt lightheaded because the volume of blood rushing to her face when she realized that the movement lifted her breasts, moving them against Natsume ribcage. She refused to meet his eyes, concentrating on the width of his chest instead.

"Do I make you nervous?" Mikan, who was holding her breath, exhaled sharply when she felt his teeth nibbling on one soft lobe. "Mikan?"

Mikan wanted to raged, she wanted to smack that ridiculously beautiful face of his, she wanted to bite him, she wanted to poke his eye out, she wanted to hate him, she wanted to get the hell out of here.

_It wasn't fair. Not at all, the way he can always make me happy just by saying my real name. _

Even now, as she was insulted by the gall of him, by the arrogance of his question, she still wanted to smile simply because he said her real name.

She scowled. "Of course. What kind of a girl would I be, if I don't feel nervous when I'm being perverted by the Great Hyuuga Natsume himself?"

Cursing herself for a fool, flinching at her own words. The ominous warning 'don't play with fire…' running around and around in her head, she blinked when Natsume merely looked at her, speculatively. He tilted his head to the side. "You're right. What did you say earlier? Something about…a kiss is not a kiss if you're not kissing back?"

Thinking that she had a way out, she pounced….into a trap. "That's right. So you just better let me go now because there is no way you can make me kiss you back."

Her heart tripped in joy when Natsume inched back, her body suddenly free, but then joy turned into alarm when Natsume leaned forward and level their eyes.


	4. Playing With Fire

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Four: Playing With Fire

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

So many

Bright lights been cast a shadow

But can I speak?

Well, is it hard understanding

I'm incomplete

A life that's so demanding

I get so weak

And all their souls are burning

I can't speak

These bright lights are

glowing bright at me

These bright lights are

glowing bright at me

I said

I see you lying next to me

With words I thought I'd never speak

Awake and unafraid

Asleep or dead

Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance

Natsume's lips curved slightly at the way Mikan's eyes narrowed and chin tilted in defiance. _She have absolutely no idea how delicious she looks, does she? A man would be crazy or gay to walk away from her._

Tousled honey colored hair, bright stormy eyes, bruised cherry red lips, knowing that he caused all that made his body pulsed painfully. Natsume intentionally twisted his mouth into his most irritating, arrogant, I-am-holier-than-thou smirk that had always made him able to manipulate Mikan to do exactly what he wanted to do than injected a healthy dose of disbelief into his voice. "Really? Do you want to bet on that?"

Mikan being Mikan and not Hotaru, is not equipped with a mind that can spot such dastardly intrigues such as this one, instead of cooly refusing, she fired up instantly at the challenge and at the taunting smirk on Natsume's face, just as he expected.

"Prepare to lose, Hyuuga."

"Not so fast." His fingers tightened against Mikan's. "What are we betting on?"

Mikan blinked, frowning. For a minute, Natsume looked at the little wrinkle between her eyebrows and found that he wanted to kiss it. He mulled over it for a second or two but finally returned his eyes to Mikan's endearing sweet face.

"Seeing as I can only go out whenever I take you with me, if I win, I want you to accompany me to Central Town for a full week. No buts. No ifs. When I want to go, you go. No questions ask. Oh, and you'll be carrying whatever it is I buy. And Hotaru's." She added. She smiled, confident of her victory, which did nothing for Natsume's ego.

Annoyed but still maintaining his usual aloof expression, he lifted an eyebrow. "And what if I win? What do I get?" He smirked. "I already have enough money and things, I'm also way smarter than you, so what can you give me?"

Uncomfortable with the way he posed the question, Mikan shrugged.

"I think I'll just think it over after I won."

Mikan snorted. "Excuse-mmph."

For the second time in the last hour, Mikan found herself kissed by Natsume Hyuuga, boy genius, Alice extraordinaire, genuine heartbreaker and scourge of the UnderWorld.

Mikan's eyelashes flutter in surprise when Natsume's mouth swept gently over hers, the slight pressure of his lips was unexpectedly soft, playful even. He let go of her hands to rub the small of her back in slow even circles, the other to cup her head, his thumb caressing one smooth heated cheek. His hands touched the nape of her neck, slowly massaging the knots on her shoulders, easing his way down to her back and up again as his mouth pressed little kisses, nibbling gently on her bottom lip. Feeling the warmth of his palm on her back and shoulder, opening and closing slowly on her nape, she couldn't fight the heaviness of her eyes and the urge to relax against his hands.

_How can the same person be so different?_ Mikan mused as she sighed when Natsume caught a lobe between his thumb and finger, rubbing it gently, comparing this kiss to the earlier one. _Make sense, though, isn't he always like this? One time gentle and nice, other times hot and explosive. It's what makes him so interesting after all._

Natsume cursed himself when his plan backfired, lost in his own manipulations, he breathed her in as inch by freakin' inch, he could feel her languid surrender. Six years partnered with the gutsy, loud, stubborn, obnoxious Sakura Mikan, one can't help but learn one or two ways to handle her, it's either that or death by good intentions. One of the things he learned as they bickered their way through the years was; if you fight her by trying to dominate her, you're in for the long haul.

It was better to ask then to force her though she makes it so hard to do it some times. So when earlier he was hard, now he is soft. When earlier he demanded, now he persuaded. Obviously, it worked, but it also confused the hell out of him.

As soon as he touched her lips and tasted her, he was lost. He couldn't help the deep groan of pleasure that reverbated through him when she leaned heavily against him, her sighs warming his lips as he took shallow careful sips from her lips, keeping the tone light.

Natsume shifted and leaned himself against the shelf, changing their position with her standing between his legs. He opened his eyes and saw that Mikan had her eyes closed and is seemingly unaware of their new position but though she was receptive, she wasn't kissing him back. He ran his fingers along her hair, luxuriating in the feeling of finally be able to play with her hair.

He had a deep, secret, strong obsession about her long, long hair that almost bordered on fetishim. That was why he always pulled on it, just so he could touch it and burnt it because he didn't want anyone else to be able to do it.

The long, smooth, silky hair with their curly ends, the warm and beautiful color that compliment her eyes. Every time she wore her hair down, he found his attention focused on the gentle sway of it every time she moves and when a wind blows through the class, fluttering it around, touching his face, bringing the fresh, soft scent of her shampoo, he wanted to reach out, tangle his hands in it and bring its owner closer for a kiss…just like what he was doing now.

So, first things first, he continued the gentle assault and enjoyed the way Mikan's lips fitted on his and the way her body curved against his.


	5. The Games that People Play

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Five: The Games that People Play

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

This is the straw, final straw in the

Roof of my mouth as I lie to you

Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean

I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love

It scares me more every day

On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming

Or at least I'll claim I did

But in truth I'm lost for words

Chocolate by Snow Patrol

Mikan felt dizzy, like the time she and the female part of her gang experimented with a few of Konoko's potions and ended up sick as dogs, but this dizzy felt good though her limbs felt just as heavy, her body just as hot.

She then remembered that Natsume was the one who found them at the edge of the forest, cursed them to hell and back but designated a caretaker for each and every one of them anyway. She also remembered it was Natsume who held her hair while she puked her guts out, wiped her mouth, put cool cloths on her head, did her math homework and in the morning, supplied coffee and aspirin.

Of course, then she was his slave for the next couple of days after that. But, hey, he helped her puked, it was only fair.

She knew, in some weird peculiar way, he needed her and that she has a special place in his life and she always made sure Natsume knew that he has a place in hers. It hurts her to see him stumbling in the dark, late at night, with more wounds than a boy his age should have. It aches her to see how heavily his responsibilities weigh him down and how that same sense of responsibility is slowly killing him.

It was hard to equate Natsume with the word dying, but she knew that that can happen anytime whether it will be a few years from now or the next time he goes into a mission.

She closed her eyes tightly as the image of a ten year old Natsume curling in pain, squeezing out her name from his throat.

Mikan blinked when she found that she was suddenly thrust away from Natsume so fast she almost landed on her butt.

"What-"

Natsume steadied her on her feet then pushed some books to her hand. "Someone's coming."

Mikan narrowed her eyes at the end of the shelves, only one person can make Natsume tense like that, his so called mentor, Persona.

Though shaken and worried because his arrival only meant one thing, Mikan feigned a suspicious look when Natsume combed her hair with his fingers and straightened her clothes. Natsume took the lead and rolled his eyes.

"You're baka and you'll always be baka no matter how many books you read. You might as well give up." His tone was cool, his expression was ice.

Over the years of being in B class, the baby in her Special Ability class, hanging out with Natsume and co while being watched by the Academy had made Mikan to appreciate the use of such useful skills like acting.

She scrunched up her face to her usual expression when dealing with Natsume; irritated, annoyed and pissed off. "Just because you do well in class doesn't mean you're all that, you know. It doesn't make you anymore likable, too."

"I don't need you to like me, idiot."

"Good, because I don't like you, asswipe." Mikan smirked at the real aghast look in Natsume's face at her name calling before they schooled their features into appropriate expressions of displeasure.

"Children, this is a library, keep it down. And you, little kitty, though words are welcome here, those kinds are not."

Both Natsume and Mikan didn't have to pretend the dislike that filled their faces after they expressed their surprise.

"What do you want?"

Persona posed at the end of the aisle, Mikan wondered whether the irony of them standing in the shadows while Persona was in the light was lost on Natsume. "Surely, you don't need to ask. Tonight. Same time, same place."

Mikan widened her eyes and beamed at Natsume. "Wow, Natsume-kun. You got a date with Persona."

The disgusted look on Natsume's face was real, so was the threat of revenge. He dropped several thick books on top of the ones she held on her hand, almost toppling it over. "And for that, you get to work on the assignment yourself."

"What? No way. I'll just get a continuance on it since you're off to lala land."

Natsume craned his head when Persona whirled around and left them, he lifted a finger and circled it in the air, a signal to keep it up for a few minutes more.

"Admit it. You're too stupid to do this without me."

Mikan scoffed, already putting the books that Natsume yanked unceremoniously back to it's place. "Why the heck should I do that?"

Natsume leaned on the book case opposite the one she was working on, his eyes watching where Persona stood just a couple of minutes ago. "Because it's true?"

"Hah. If you think that than you're dumber than you look, you freakin' pervert."

Natsume smack her head lightly with the flat of his hand. "He's gone. You don't have to look so happy when you're throwing insults at me."

"If I didn't he wouldn't have believed me. Besides, I know he's gone. I only wanted to call you names while I have the chance."

"Figures." Natsume crossed his arms, leaning back on the shelf. "What do you mean you know that he's gone?"

"You're not the only one who developed a sixth sense where Persona's concern, half of our class has it, though not as freakishly as you. I only can feel him when I know he's coming."

Natsume watched the girl who he was kissing only minutes ago, her taste still on his lips and his body still warm from hers, standing with her back to him, calmly inserting the books back to its original place. "What's wrong?"

Her head was tilted to the side as she read a book's title, her face covered by her hair. "What do you mean?"

Natsume shook his head, _she still couldn't lie worth a damn even when she's not looking at your face._ Natsume knew what she was thinking, Mikan knew that he knew what she was thinking, and they both knew that giving it a voice was just…useless and frustrating and downright depressing.

"Alright. For the paper, ask the continuence from Narumi, use those big eyes of yours or whatever you girls do, if you flatter him enough, you'll probably get him to do it himself."

Mikan started to snort but then got caught in the idea. Natsume smirked at that but let it go, he turned on his heel and walked towards the opening between the shelves. "I'm going to prepare and see Ruka before I go."

"Iterashai."

Natsume's steps faltered, hesitated and stopped.

"Mikan." He didn't need to look to know that she was looking at him, she always did when he called her name. "I didn't kiss you just to prove a point. Even back when we were ten."

Mikan watched his back disappear then slowly released the breath she was holding. It trembled as did her hands. Without hesitation, she lowered herself to the floor. She pressed a hand to her lips then to her heated cheeks. Another hand went to her chest where her heart was beating fast and hard.

_I didn't kiss you just to prove a point. Even back when we were ten._

Why did he say that? What does it mean?


	6. Wasted Youth

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Six: Wasted Youth

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

Some days I feel like crying

Don't matter if it's rain or shine

I feel like my heart was broken

At least a million times

Some days I wake up dreaming

Feels like I never even woke

Answer life's big question

As if it's one big joke

Maybe it's too soon to be sure but I

Really do believe that some day we're gonna have it all

Have It AllJareem Kay

----

Ruka winced when he accidentally slammed Natsume's bedroom door then winced again when Natsume turned and quirked an eyebrow at him. "Sorry."

He rolled his baby blue eyes at the amusement in his best friends eyes then settled on the couch to sulk.

Natsume straightened his cuffs and snickered because he knew that only two things can break through Ruka's usual icy demenour; Mikan or her bestfriend, Hotaru. Judging by the scowl, it was probably the latter.

"Imai got to you again?"

Ruka groaned in exasperation, his handsome faced scrunched up in an expression of deep frustration. "It's been six years. _Six years_. Shouldn't she be already rich enough to..to.._stop_?"

Natsume sent him a pitying glance. "Come on, you should know by now it's not about the money. It's all about being fast enough, smart enough and wily enough that you won't miss that insanely small window where luck and fate intertwined and gives you the perfect chance to immortalized someone's most humiliating or private moment in his life and thus giving you control over said person to do as you wish." Natsume put on his jacket, straightened his tie and smirked. "The money is just a bonus."

Ruka sneered, an expression that was really more at home on Natsume's beautiful broody looks than his sweet angel-like face. "I forgot that both of you share the same sadistic streak." But not one to stay angry for long, Ruka shrugged and finally realized what Natsume was wearing. "Why are you wearing a tux?"

Natsume didn't answer, he merely combed his hair with his fingers. He looked at his reflection and decided he was presentable enough. The stupid tie was as far as he was willing to go anyway. If Persona has any complaints, he can just shove it.

"You're going on a mission, are you? Where to?"

Natsume gave Ruka a reproving glance.

"I'll find out anyway. You might as well tell me."

Since he knew that Ruka always sent one of his animals to watch over him when he was away, he shrugged. "I'm body guarding some important person in some important thing and before you ask, no, I can't give you any details, besides, you know I never go into details."

Knowing that Natsume prefered not knowing any details when he went into a mission, Ruka moved on to the next question. "When will you be back?"

Natsume rolled his red ruby eyes that peeked through his bangs, startling against his raven locks, his tanned skin and dark colored clothes. "You're going to make some lucky man a great wife someday, Ruka."

"Just answer the friggin' question."

Natsume smiled at the sulky tone in Ruka's usually amiable voice. "I'll be back when the job's finish." He turned towards the blond. "What's up with you anyway?"

At sixteen, Ruka was tall although not as tall as Natsume but then again, who was? He was still shy and unsure about some things but nowadays, the shyness was tempered by the mask of cold indifference and a spine of steel. Still pretty but not as girlish as when he was younger, the years had broadened his shoulders, widened his chest, and hardened his jaw. There was no way he could ever be mistaken as a girl as in his younger days. The blue eyes were still as icy and bright as ever, warming only when he was among his best friends which were few. Now those blue eyes were thoughtful and hesitant. "Did something happen with you and Mikan?"

Natsume straightened on his seat and eyed his best friend, he was going to tell him but _after_ the mission, after he find the exact words. He should've known that Ruka would find out, he knew them too well to not see or sense something. Knowing that he was never good with words, he opt for simplicity. "I kissed her."

Ruka felt the hitched in his throat but didn't take of his eyes from Natsume's. "Why?"

"The usual reasons. Why do you ask?"

"I met her earlier, she told me that you'd wanted to see me. She looked..distracted." _More like shocked actually._

Natsume leaned back on his chair and stared at the boy that he knew since childhood. The one who stood beside him through it all, who lived his life as his own and sacrificed so much. Natsume knew that if it wasn't for Ruka, he wouldn't have survived all these years. Ruka was his conscience and in so many ways, Ruka was and still is his better half. There was nothing that they wouldn't do for each other, nothing that they wouldn't give, until along came one _stupid _girl.

In all the years that they've been friends only one thing had ever came between them; Mikan Sakura. They knew of each other's feelings but never talked about it, instead they chose to let things go on the way they were. It helped that Mikan was so oblivious of their feelings.

Sure there was friction and moments of jealousy but over the years they've settled into a relationship where they shared her, each giving the other opportunities to be with her when they needed it and backed down when the other showed displeasure because the other was getting too close.

They've been doing this intricate dance for nearly six years now and except for the kisses they each gave her on Christmas when they were ten, they hadn't made any other moves on her, keeping her carefully, strategically and safely between them.

"Do you want me to apologize?"

Ruka shifted his eyes to his lap. "Did she kiss you back?"

"No."

"Did she resisted?"

Natsume scratched his head and resisted the urge to wince. "At first."

Ruka pulled on the creases of his pants. "Did she-"

Natsume stood, uncomfortable and unwilling to divulge anymore details. "Geez, Ruka. You want a play by play?" he sighed when Ruka kept his head down.

"Look, we both like her and we've been tip toeing around her for years. I just..I saw an opportunity and I took it, that's all. I wanted..I needed…something." Feeling like crap like he always did whenever he hurt Ruka because the guy never tried to hurt him back. It even probably never cross his mine, which was annoying and frustrating. He ran his fingers along his hair, messing it up again. "Look, it's not like I planned it, it just sort of happened." Natsume sat down again, always uncomfortable when talking about his feelings especially when it concerns a certain girl. He struggled with himself. "I'm sorry that I did it without telling you but I'm not going to apologize for kissing her."

"Is this..like before?" Ruka's forehead wrinkled. "Like when we were ten?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are we going to pretend it never happen?"

Natsume opened his mouth, closed it then shook his head. "No. It won't be like that."

"So, you're finally making a move?"

"Yes."

"Oh." After a while, Ruka leaned back, his eyes far away. "Hm."

Crimson eyes searched Ruka's face but Ruka's eyes didn't waver from the imaginary spot he was looking at. "Are we good?"

Ruka nodded, slowly. "We will be."

Natsume waiting for Ruka to look him in the eye. When he didn't, Natsume leaned forward, his elbows on his thighs. "What do you want me to do, Ruka?"

The slight smile that curved Ruka's lips was a bit sad, a bit bitter. "If I ask you to back away, will you do it?"

Natsume blinked in surprise at the question that he didn't expect but he thought it over anyway. When he answered he couldn't help the chiding tone in his voice. "No. And if she chose you, I'll never ask that of you."

"Then why the hell did you ask that for?" As soon as the question..no..the accusation slipped out of his lips, Ruka waved a hand, asking Natsume to disregard it. "Well, at the very least, now all of us can finally move along."

"Huh?"

The crooked smile on Ruka's face held a trace of amusement. "I've been waiting for you to make a move. I know that she likes me but it's obvious that she likes you more and though it's also pretty obvious that you have feelings for her, you never _did_ anything. I kept waiting for you to make a move because as long as you didn't, I can't stop myself from hoping that maybe someday she'll look my way." Ruka rubbed a hand on his face. "Guess the wait is finally over now." He frowned. "I always thought I'd feel more relieved."

Guilt gnawed on his insides, Natsume pulled on his tie. "You can't be sure that she won't choose you over me." _Any sane girl would._

Ruka snorted. "Don't insult me, Natsume. I'm her friend, that's how she sees me, while you are, well, she's never been quite sure what you are and how she feels for you but she stuck by you anyway."

"Like a goddamn leech." Natsume shook her head remembering her persistence on befriending him while he tried his damndest to get rid of her.

"Don't be stupid about this, okay?"

Natsume frowned. "What?"

Ruka's bright eyes looked straight at his, sending the message that he was not playing around. "Don't chicken out. She deserves to be happy and, well, you always know how to make her smile."

Natsume winced. "Shit, Ruka. We don't even know how she feels about me. Besides, I think she likes you better."

Ruka made an exasperated sound. "See, it's starting. You always do this and don't you dare use me as a reason." He sighed when he looked at the miserable look on Natsume's face. "Look, do you really think that I'd be so chavelier about this if I wasn't sure that she's not interested in me?"

Natsume pursed his lips. "I try not to look too far into your head, Ruka, God knows what I'll find."

Amusement bloomed in Ruka's eyes. "The truth is, " Ruka shook his blond hair. "I've always known. It's different."

"What do you mean?"

Ruka scratched his chin, trying to find the words. "Our feelings. It's different. I'm not saying that your feelings are stronger than mine or vice versa. I like her, very much, it's like when I'm with her, everything else is a blur and yeah, I'm going to sulk, bitch and probably stick a few pins on you until I get over it and even than I'll probably gonna do it again from time to time just for the hell of it. I like her so much that sometimes I feel like hitting you over the head and bury you underneath that stupid tree of yours-"

"Thanks for controlling yourself." Natsume cut him off.

The wry tone made Ruka smile, "But it's different for you. You don't like her." Natsume opened his mouth to protest but Ruka beat him to the punch. "You love her."

Natsume's eyes widened. "I..aah, hmm."

"It's different with you. When you're with her, everything else not only blurs, it disappears. It doesn't exist and you couldn't care less. She doesn't only brings you comfort, or hope, she also brings you.. peace. You change when you're with her, you change _for_ her and everyone sees it, don't fool yourself into thinking that no one noticed." Ruka smiled slightly at the tense look on his best friend's face. "Before her, you were.._we_ were, " He amended. "in a dark place. Even though how hard I tried to keep it all together, tried to not give up, tried to be strong for you, inside I was so afraid. So afraid that I'd fail you somehow and I hated myself, hated how you always had to stand in front of me, protecting me. I hated how I didn't have the courage or the strength to push you aside and fight beside you." Ruka licked his lips nervously, finally having the chance to say what he'd wanted to say for a long, long time, he didn't want to screw things up. "My fear, my weakness fed yours and we were choking in it. I dealt with it by drawing more and more into myself while you lash out at the world. You were so angry, so desperate and I couldn't help you because I was too busy with myself. Do you remember? How we just couldn't seem to care anymore?"

Natsume nodded, his face solemn and serious. He remembered all right, he still could taste the burning at the back of his throat, the sharp twisted points of desperation. He still remember the agony of having what you love most turned into the very knife that twists inside you.

"We were at our darkest point when Sakura finally came." Ruka smiled. "Don't you think it's strange, that she came right before we were trying to escape? Then to have her alone with you in that room." The serious expression on his face changed into a grin. "And that you suddenly developed an interest in her when you've never even so much as glance at other girls. You were even interested enough to meddle with her skirt. I was always curious on why you did that."

Natsume merely chuckled, his expression rueful. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Ruka snorted. "That should've tipped me off, you know. It confused me, why you were so curious about this one girl so I paid attention. In the end, I figured it out and ended up falling for her as well."

Natsume looked down at his hands. "You don't have to give up so early in the game, you know."

"Early my ass. It's been six years."

"It would be better for her if she picked you."

"Now you're pissing me off. Besides, it doesn't matter what I feel. She doesn't love me and…you need her more than I do."

"I…don't.." The denial faltered against the gleam in Ruka's eyes. Ruka doesn't usually contradict Natsume so when he does, Ruka made sure Natsume listens.

"Don't even try to deny it." He crossed his arms and stared Natsume down. "She helps you deal with so many things about yourself, about your Alice. She brought so many good things about yourself and others to your attention. Because she trusts you, because she believes in you, because she persists in you, you feel like you have so much more to offer, that you think that maybe the world is not as hopeless, and that maybe, just maybe, your life is not as useless as you once thought it was. Every time she's with you, you find yourself thinking that maybe someday you'll be forgiven for all the bad things that you've done. Because she fought to be by yourside, you think that she must've seen something inside you to make her try so hard, something good. Something as good as her, as worthy of her." Ruka's voice softened as a smile curved his lips.

Natsume gave Ruka a confused and slightly freaked out look. "How do you know?"

Ruka chuckled low in his throat, enjoying the fact that he was able to confused Natsume. "Because that's how she makes me feel."

The two young men exchanged a look then a smile and a laugh. "God, who'd ever thought that we could ever fall for the same girl?"

Ruka grinned. "Not me."


	7. In Daylight

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Seven:Daylight

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

Don't stray, don't ever go away

I should be much too smart for this

You know it gets the better of me

Sometimes, when you and I collide

I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time

Don't let me drown, let me down

I say it's all because of you

And here I go, losing my control

I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face

It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye

Let all the things you mean to me

Come tumbling out my mouth

Indeed it's time to tell you why

I say it's infinitely true

Sway by Bic Runga

Mikan tried to pay attention to the teacher. She really did but her eyes kept glancing towards Natsume's empty seat.

"He's not back, yet." She murmured, her eyes worried.

"Of course not. Ever since Hyuuga reached the ripe old age of thirteen they started to assign him in longer missions, haven't they? He left on Monday which makes today the third day he's away. His mission can last a week for all we know."

"I know. It's just…I don't know."

"What?"

Mikan shook her head and smiled. "Probably nothing."

Hotaru aimed her cool violet eyes to one of her best friends ponytail. Mikan's feelings for the rude, red eyed boy that they've known since they were kids has always been complicated, it consists of a mix between frustration, a deep affection, a strange wonderment, awe and curiosity.

Natsume's feelings however is, ironically, more understandable and straightforward.

But no one that has ever met them or saw them can deny the deep and strong bond that binds them together. Even when they were fighting like a pair of wild dogs, the amusement in Natsume's usually hard and world weary eyes and the twitch on Mikan's lips betrayed their obvious enjoyment in each others presence.

It is there in the way Natsume can calmly close his eyes and sleep peacefully even when they're a lot of people around as long as she is by his side. It is there in the way Mikan always seem to know whether Natsume has sustained an injury or not just by looking at him.

Truthfully, it worried her.

Oh, Hotaru knew that Natsume will bite off his arm before hurting her and if he ever did, he did it because he had to. Natsume was a lot like her; everything they do, they do for a purpose because they know that there are always consequences, always a price to pay, a fine print to read.

Nothing comes for free, even or especially when you have something that other people want. It's the way of the world after all and among the students here in Alice Academy, who knows about this better than the two of them?

Hotaru respects Natsume, respects what he's doing, she respects the way he's handling the fact that one day his Alice will kill him. And when it comes to Mikan, Hotaru knows Natsume will give up anything for her. Even his love. His peace of mind. His life. His freedom.

Which is exactly what she is worried about.

That some day, Natsume will sacrifice himself for Mikan and Mikan being Mikan, will suffer for it.

Men and their egos.

Hotaru lifted her eyes at Koko's snort but when their eyes met, Koko sent her a surprisingly understanding smile before turning back towards the teacher. The class was quiet, it is always like this following Natsume's third and fourth days of absence.

But this time, it didn't last long.

The quietness of the class was suddenly shattered by a loud scraping sound, an exclaimation of pain and a loud thud as something heavy fell to the floor. All eyes turned towards Mikan who sat red-faced on the floor, rubbing her butt, looking pissed.

"Don't mind me. Just being my clumsy self." She announced and as soon as the teacher returned towards the black board, she glared at Ruka who reached out a hand to help her up. The four of them sit side by side after all.

"You're best friend is back." She mumbled towards him and Ruka frowned at her.

"How do you know?"

Mikan picked herself up from the floor pulled Ruka's hand and touched it to the bottom of her chair. Eyes followed their actions when Mikan mentioned Natsume's returned.

Hotaru watched him jerked back his hand and swallowed a curse as he waved his hand as if it was burned. Mikan stood over him and scowled. "If that's not your best friend being charming, then what do you think cause that?"

Ruka pressed his lips together, trying hard not to snicker. _Trust Natsume_. "Hm. Spontanous combustion?"

Muffled giggles erupted among their closest friends who sat near them, relieved that Natsume was back and from the looks of things, all in one piece. Mikan scooted over Anna's seat, crossed her arms and glared at Ruka as if he was to blame.

"As soon as I get my hands on him, I'll kill him."

Ruka smirked. "So, tonight at Natsume's place right? Same time?"

Mikan, Hotaru, Koko, Yuu, Kitsuneme, Monchu, Sumire, Anna and Konoko or The Pack as others call them, exchanged nods and grins.

--------

Natsume lifted an eyebrow when Ruka stepped into his room, looked at him then shook his head. "What?"

"What's wrong with flowers? Chocolates? Cards?"

"Please, stop. You'll make me sick."

Ruka snorted and watched as Natsume entered the bathroom. "The mission went well I gather?"

"Most boring party I ever got into. Old people. Lots. Talking out of their asses. At one point I almost jump and yell boo behind some old guy just to see how many will get a heart attack."

Ruka lips twitched at Natsume's words that came out clear although muffled by the door and the sound of water.

"Everyone's going to be here tonight?"

Ruka snorted. "Don't we always?"

"Yeah, you guys are such freeloaders."

"Shit, whatever, man. You know you love us." Ruka smiled when he heard his friend snort. "I'll leave and let you get some sleep."

"Yeah, okay. Hey, wait up." Natsume opened the door and poked his head out. "So. She was mad?"

Ruka grinned. "Oh, man. She is so going to kick your ass. She'll probably use some of those moves you've taught her."

Natsume pursed his lips, looking thoughtful. "That pissed, huh?"

Ruka laughed, shook his head, rolled his eyes then left. "See you tonight, Natsume."

------

Ruka grinned at Natsume from across the table when their eyes met and he couldn't help but grin back. He sipped on his cup of tea as Anna served their desserts. This 'welcome home, Natsume' dinner has been going on for two years since they were fourteen. It developed from snack nights to full course dinners as they got older.

Natsume hid a snicker when Koko lifted an eyebrow at him and Yuu slid a chiding yet amused glance towards him. Monchu hid a smile behind a napkin but his eyes gleamed with laughter.

Natsume turned his head towards the girl who sat on his left, eating her chocolate cake with delicate little bites, amber eyes forward, back straight. "Thanks for the dinner, youjo."

"You're welcome." She answered without looking at him, her tone was frostbite temperature. He stifled a laugh.

Hotaru licked her spoon, wrapped another piece of cake with a tissue, finished her tea and stood up. "I have to go, Ruka come on."

Ruka looked at her, saw the look in her eyes. "Oh, yeah. Got to go, helping Hotaru out with a thing."

Yuu slapped a hand against his forehead. "Shoot, I forgot about the..thingamajig. Konoko, you promised you'll help me out right?"

Konoko stood up and grasped Anna's hand. Monchu, Koko, Kitsuneme dragged a whining Sumire away.

Mikan frowned at them as she cleared out the table. "Anything to get out of washing the dishes, huh?"

They grinned at her. "You bet."

"Leave them, I'll have the maid take care of it tomorrow."

Mikan stacked the plates on the sink and ran hot water on them for a little while. Then turned it off. "So, when were you going to mention your wound to us?"

Natsume who was leaning on the kitchen counter behind her bit down a grin. _She always knows._ Mikan turned and faced him, wiping her hands on a cloth. "Lose the shirt, Hyuuga."

Natsume smirked but before he can say anything, Mikan cut him off. "And can the stupid comments."

He watched as she expertly cleaned the shallow wound on his ribs, her amber eyes squinting as she observed it then wrapped a bandage over it. "So, you're mad at me, huh?"

Mikan didn't answer, but peeked under his arms to reached for the roll of bandage on her other hand, he smiled and enjoyed the feel of her hands on his body. Oh, she was pissed at him, all right, but that didn't stop her from caring or respecting his privacy, she still waited until the others left to say something about his wound, like she always did.

"Are you mad about this morning or because I kissed you?" He grunted when Mikan tightened the bandage around his ribs. "Okay, both."

He touched her hand gently but she slapped it away. "You weren't hurt, were you?"

"Just because I wasn't hurt doesn't make it okay."

Natsume pursed his lips. "But you have to admit it was funny."

"No, it wasn't." She snapped, finally lifting her eyes to look at him. Their eyes met for one tense minute. "Oh, forget it."

"Look, I know you'd be worried, all of you. I just wanted to lighten up the mood."

She slid a glance towards him. "Then couldn't you have used Ruka's butt or Koko's?"

Natsume grimaced. "Stop. You're giving me weird images."

She tossed the bandages and her kit into her bag and packed everything up. "Serves you right."

"Where are you going?"

She zipped up her bag. "My room. Where else?"

He gripped her bag and tried to look at her face. "I thought you were going to stay."

She snorted and pulled on her bag. "What gave you that idea? Just because I let you kissed me once doesn't mean I'll do it again."

He tightened his hold on her bag. "So, that's it. You're not mad at me, you're mad at yourself."

She glared at me. "Don't try to analyze me, Hyuuga."

He pulled on her bag until he can grab one of her hands. He smirked. "I'm right, aren't I? Don't feel too bad, Dotties, I mean if you feel angry now, just imagine what you'll feel when you kiss me back."

Mikan gritted her teeth. "That will be a cold day in hell. Let me go."

"Come on, youjo. What's the big deal? You slept with me before."

"That's when we were kids."

He quirked and eyebrow. "What? Don't you trust me?"

"With my life? Sure. I've always trusted you there."

"But not with your body." _Or your heart._

The look in his eyes were starting to make her nervous again, he suddenly looked too serious and too…adult but then again, Natsume never did look much like a kid since he never did have much of a childhood.

"That I learned from experience."

His fingers loosened and she pulled away. "What if…what if I promised not to do anything. Will you stay?"

She turned. "We have class tomorrow, Natsume-kun. I have to get up early."

He watched her back as she walked away. "Mikan."

She stopped and when she realized what she was doing, she bit her lip. But it wasn't just because he called her by her real name, it was the solemn and quiet tone in his voice.

"_Koko ni itekure. Hitori ni narita kunainodo_."

_Stay. I don't want to be alone._ It was as vulnerable as Natsume ever was in front of her and even though how uncomfortable she was with him right now, she can't deny the silent peading. She sighed.

"Fine. But only until you fall asleep."

The night was extraordinarily still, not even the air moved. It disturbed her, she can't quite shrug off the feeling that something is wrong. She rubbed her arms and closed the window before walking up to Natsume's bed. She stood and watched him breathe deep, her heart breaking at the softness of his sleeping face.

She always knew there was softness in Natsume, gentleness, generousity and a deep caring heart. She likes them in him, cherishes it in fact. But it was the very same qualities that makes him suffer, doing what he does.

"He'd be better off if he _is_ cold, cruel and mean." She whispered as she sat gently on the bedside, careful not to wake him. "But then he won't be Natsume."

She looked an as he sighed and turned his head towards her, his bangs covering his closed eyes. She leaned over and pushed it back. "Does this really help, Natsume? Do the things that we do really help you?"

Mikan stifled a sob when Natsume reached for her hand that was on his face and pressed it to his heart. His heart was beating in a steady strong rhythm_. One day, one day, this heart will stop then what will I do? Can I bare it? Can I live throught it like ojiichan's death? Like I've lived through all the lies and politics in the academy?_

A tear slid slowly on a smooth cheek.

_Can I live through Natsume's death?_

_Will I want to?_


	8. Late Night Thoughts

**  
Into You, I Go**

Chapter Eight: Late Night Thoughts

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

There's always something

In the way

There's always something

Getting through

It's not me

It's you

And I find peace

When I'm confused

I find hope when

I'm let down

Not in me (me)

In you

It's in you

YouSwitchfoot

------

Natsume woke up with a jolt. Eyes snapping open and with it, his brain took a jump start. Instantly alert, instantly aware, his senses registering everything around him as his brain tried to hone in on what woke him. But before his senses gathered the information and brought it to his brain to be processed, his heart already realized what was wrong. Or more precisely, what was missing.

_Mikan._

He frowned and touched the bandage on his ribs as he sat up. "Mikan?"

He knew she was gone, he knew that his room was empty except for himself but his eyes kept scanning the room, trying to find honey blond pigtails. When he didn't find her, he flopped back to the bed and turned to his left where he caught her scent. _She must've sat here while I was asleep._

He wondered whether she was watching him and if she was, wondered on what she was thinking. He inhaled her lingering scent and clutched the pillow, missing her.

_Kami, I'm such a sap._

Determined on regaining his macho dignity, he unclenched his hands from the pillow and with a powerful will that bordered on supernatural, turned onto his back but didn't have much success on pushing her out of his mind.

_She really is mad at me. _

But he noticed that it was different, her anger _felt_ different. Usually her anger was as hot as fire until it blows up, burning itself away until nothing is left. Since Mikan is not a great believer in hiding her feelings, she doesn't keep grudges, she doesn't keep her anger inside to simmer and spew. That was his method.

This time, her anger felt…empty, lacking heat. It was cool and lifeless which is nothing like her at all. It told him, that it was not caused by some slight, imaginary or otherwise, it was because of something else.

Something is bothering her and she's not telling, which means…it's him. He should feel happy that she is thinking about him, but he'll be happier if thinking about him makes her happy.

He notices the way her eyes take note of each and every scar on his body, he sees the pain and hurt in her eyes whenever he is hurting. It is instinctive, elemental. Like Ruka said, his bond with Mikan was just there without any attempt on his or her part. Even when he tried to break it, he couldn't. He tried to ignore it, pretended that he didn't feel it but the more he tried, the more real and tangible it became.

It's frustrating as hell.

When he finally acknowledged it and let him feel it, feel her, it was like seeing the sea for the first time. You know it is there, you see pictures of it, heard it on TV, you smell it in the air but all of that is nothing when compared to standing, knee deep in it with the powerful waves crashing against you and the irritating sensation of sand between your toes.

Overwhelmed and way, way over his head, Natsume fought against it, he is a soldier after all, fighting is in his nature, but try as he might, he lost and finally surrendered.

He jolted when a window blew open and frowned at the billowing white curtains, somehow it felt like it was tempting him, calling out to him.

He knew that if he approached it, he'd sweep it away, climb out the window and inch his way into Mikan's room and probably get toss out of the window for all his trouble. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, unconsciously inhaling her lavender scent. It eased him, comforted him but also triggered a restlessness in him. His body remembered how she felt against him, how her skin shifted underneath his fingers, the slide of her legs against his. He pressed his lips together and somehow tasted her.

He needed her, that was a given while the progression of his want for her was a slow, long and steady process.

She was the first girl to catch his interest.

The first girl to ever come close.

The first girl that was brave enough to stand up against him.

The first girl that was brave enough to stand up for him.

The first girl he learned to trust.

The first girl he felt affectionate with.

The first girl he had a crush on.

The first girl he kissed.

The first girl he fell in love with.

She had been a lot of his firsts and he hoped that it will continue.

He kept his eyes closed and it was as if he can feel the outline of her body, lying next to him. It was the way he slept when he was away on missions, the only way he can get a couple of hours of shut eye but it didn't help now, maybe because his brain knows that he can actually have the real thing.

He opened his eyes and huffed out a breath, knowing that he will not get any sleep until he cured himself of his restlessness, he sat up and started to stretch to ease the stiffness in his ribs. After what he thought as sufficient stretching, he dropped and did push ups, absently counting as he felt his muscles contract and stretch. Reaching two hundred, he folded his left hand on his back and continued his usual regiment, only feeling a little twinge from the wound on his rib. Light sweat covered his skin when he switched hands, concentrating on his breathing, frowning when he started to pant.

Rolling his shoulders, he stood in a familiar stance and started his favorite kata. A leg swept the air in a fluid continuous motion, a combination of punches and elbows followed, he kept the movement painfully slow but precise, concentrating more on the flow of movements rather than a show of force that made him move in a slow, sensual but deadly dance in the dark. The sound of his steps muffled by the fluffy white carpet of his room, but even without it, the only sound that came from him was the soft whispering sound of air and the wet sounds of dripping sweat.

Shadows of his movements chased each other and blurred over the walls, his muscles, strained by his slow exacting movements was starting to tremble and ache but he pushed on, determine to get rid of his maudlin thoughts and maybe when he is through, he'll be able to think of…nothing.

Maybe that is the meaning of peace, true peace; the absence of everything, but without discontent, without sadness or fear, how will we recognize peace for what it really is other than thinking of it as just another type of foreign emotion?

Or does peace depends upon one's state of mind? If one feels satisfaction and felt complete with everything he does or doesn't have, is that not a kind of peace?

Is it the same with freedom? That if one is bound but does not feel the weight or the bite of chains on his hands and feet, does that still make him a prisoner?

Or is that just self delusion? An illusion given birth by hope?

Even if it is, does that make it so wrong? Does that make it pathetic? Does that strip a man of his self worth and dignity?

And as long as it makes him happy, does it really matter?

Angry with himself and his thoughts, Natsume delivered a punishing roundhouse kick that can break a person's neck even at half strength.

He moved on to a different style that needed more dexterity, agility and flexibility. Usually he preferred a more spartan style; a simple street style like Krav Maga or the fluidity of Aikido, but the flamboyant flair of Wushu has its uses.

Sweat was blinding him, sliding over his skin as his muscles started to cramp but it surrendered to the demands of his motions.

He only stopped when his legs gave out on him and he stumbled onto his knees. Panting, he took huge gulps of air before finally lying on his back, propping his feet on a nearby stool to lessen the heaviness.

He closed his eyes and ached.

--------

Natsume growled in exasperation. He turned his head to peek over his shoulder and saw a long, long way to fall. He leaned his forehead on the window, feeling the cool of glass on his skin.

He didn't know how he got here. He's not even sure that he wanted to know.

He remembered that after his exercise, he finally pulled himself together and dragged himself to the bathroom for a hot shower. After thirty minutes of being pounded by full blast heat, he dried himself, put on T shirt and shorts that came down to his knees and a towel for his wet hair.

Then, before he knew it, he ended up here. Crouching in front of her window. And if he didn't make a move soon, he'll either be caught by someone or he'll die of exposure which is pretty pathetic considering what his Alice was.

But never one to hesitate for long, Natsume shrugged. Figuring that he was already here, might as well make sure that she wasn't abducted by aliens or something. As soon as he pushed the window open, her scent attacked his senses and he gripped the window frame, just in case. He stepped into her familiar room and instantly turned towards her bed, predictably, she was already there, wearing a deep green baby doll nightgown, breathing deep, her blanket kicked to the floor.

He slicked back his wet hair and watched her sleep, standing beside her bed, he smiled at the orange shaped alarm clock on her bedside table, his gift to her after he found out that she destroyed the last one he gave her.

To his way of thinking, his gift of alarm clocks was a way for him to be sweet and annoying at the same time. He gave her something that she needed but also something to remind her of that one constant flaw of hers; her inability to be punctual. Trust Natsume to have double meanings in his gestures.

When she murmured and shifted in her bed, the decision was made for him; he took off his shoes and T-shirt then careful so not to wake her and thus wake every body else up with her screams, he crawled towards her without really touching, but entangled his fingers in her hair that was spread behind her. Natsume paused when Mikan flinched because a drop of cold water from his hair dropped on her cheek, she turned and her eyes fluttered open and focused on him.

_SHIT. Quick, make up an excuse. There was a rat. A big rat! Aw, geez, hypnotize her. Your eyes are getting heavy…._

But Mikan peered at him with sleepy eyes. "Natsume-kun?" She turned her body and touched his chest. She frowned. "Your cold." She shifted on the bed and pulled on his hands. "Where's your shirt? You should be wearing you shirt."

Uncertain on how he should proceed but distracted by the feeling of her hand on his chest when she smiled at him. The smile made him catch his breath at how sweet and loving it was. "Never mind. Come to bed."

Choking but didn't want to ruin it all by laughing or teasing her, he submitted to the pull of her hands and curled beside her. Sighing when she nestled closer and wrapped her arms around him, rubbing the contours of his back with her soft, soft palms.

Her breath was sweet on his face.

He pressed his face against the curve of her shoulder, pressed a kiss on the curve where neck meets shoulder, his fingers running along the length of her hair and fisted at her back as he moved his legs, tangling them with hers. When he felt the first flash of lust that curled uncomfortably inside his stomach, he ignored it and cuddled with her. Losing himself in her arms. He didn't want heat, right now he needed warmth that only she can give him.

His lips curved upwards when he felt her falling back to sleep, lightly snoring at the top of his head, the soothing motions of her hands on his back halted to a stop. He shifted closer to her and she murmured softly, pressing her lips to his forehead and he chuckled. Oh, he'll be dead in the morning no doubt, but he is definitely going to enjoy this while it lasts.

They've slept like this before, back when they were kids, usually Ruka was their third and Hotaru as their fourth. Some times, the whole pack was there, a big pile of deadweight on his bed but when it was just the two of them, it was always different.

This is his peace, his salvation, his little slice of heaven. Maybe for people like him, peace is whatever he makes of it, a space in time that he carved out of the length of his long and dreary life. A short second between this and that moment. His eye of the storm; always still, always calm when everything around it rages.

Natsume inhaled her scent, closed his eyes reluctantly, he took a hand away from her body to pull on her blanket to cover the both.

At the back of his mind on the edges of sleep, he thought he heard her sigh melded with his.

------------

A disgruntled hand slipped out of a blanket and smacked the alarm clock. _What in God's name was I thinking when I bought this stupid shrill annoying clock?_ He blinked in the still dark room and squinted at the clock that pointed four am, _four in the freakin' morning? What the hell does she need to do at four am? On a Sunday?_

Natsume scoffed, _probably just getting ready to weave a path to Central Town._

So being the selfish egotistical bastard who also knows her to a fault thus figured it wasn't anything important, he turned the alarm off and snuggled back against her.

An hour later, he growled at the banging on the door and opened his eyes to slits while he tried to decide whether to make the person a brave dead person or a half crisped stupid one. Then he remembered that he was not in his room but in hers.

When she shifted and frowned, he caressed her hair while he slid off the bed. Sleep deprived and pissed, he snarled when a loud female yell disturbed the quietness of her room. "Sakura. Oy, Sakura. Wake up. It's time for you to clean up the attic."

He yanked her door open and the smirk on the faces of the three girls standing before him disappeared. Whatever they expected to see, a half naked pissed off Natsume Hyuuga was not one of it. The tall one stuttered while the two behind her were hypnotized by the rippling muscles on Natsume's body, he pressed a hand on the door frame, blocking their view of the room but of course what girl in her right mind will want to look at a stupid room when she can look at a half naked Natsume Hyuuga?

He was oblivious to the fact that several girls and boys screeched to a stop at the sight of him; his raven hair in a sexy mess, his shorts hung low on his narrow hips, standing in Mikan Sakura's doorway. Toned and fit, skin riddled with the slash of scars that looked shiny in the glare of hallway lights.

They knew Mikan and Natsume were close, but not _this_ close. Meanwhile, Natsume was too riled up to notice the attention that he was getting.

Red ruby eyes gleamed angrily. "What do you mean it's time for her to clean up the attic? She's a triple star, that's not her job any more."

"But, but our floor committee decided upon it."

He narrowed his eyes at the tall girl. "I _said_ that is not her job anymore. If your floor committee has any complaints tell them to see me. Mikan is tired and she's asleep. We are _not_ to be disturbed." Closing the door with a snap, he stomped towards the bed and crawled back in, nudging Mikan who was hogging the bed.

An hour later, light attacked Mikan's closed eyes and she sprung up from the bed, reaching out for her alarm clock. When she saw what time it was she smacked her forehead.

She dropped back to her back and groaned miserably. "Oh, no."

"Relax, I took care of it. Go back to sleep."

Mikan sighed when a hand snaked towards her waist and snuggled against the warmth. "Okay."

A second later her eyes snapped open and she sat up quickly, dislodging the hand and body beside her. Natsume fell to the floor on his butt, hard.

"Ooof. What the hell, youjo?"

She stared at the half naked guy on her floor, shocked. "What the hell? What the hell are _you_ doing here?"

Following his little theory of 'when in doubt, get angry', Natsume pushed his hair back from his face and threw an irritated look at her. "Getting abused apparently." He rubbed his aching tail bone. "You snuck away when I was sleeping, it was only fair that I snuck in while you were sleeping."

She pulled on her blanket to cover herself and hissed at him. "Keep your voice down, they'll hear you."

Natsume lifted an eyebrow and snorted. "Too late for that, they already know I'm here."

"What?" She glared at him when he took his butt off the floor, pulled on her blanket and slid back on her bed. She tried to push and kick him off but he merely snagged her ankle and pulled so that she found herself on her back again. Incensed, she wriggled away but he hooked an arm on her waist and threw a leg over hers, successfully trapping her. "Some of your floor mates came by, something about the attic." His mumbled around his pillow.

She winced, more because now Natsume knew that she's been cleaning the attic rather than her floor mates thinking that Natsume is sleeping with her. Her reputation is crap anyway. When she glanced at him, Natsume had one red eye open, the other side of his face was smooshed against the pillow. "Why didn't you tell me that they're making you do their dirty work?"

She turned her head but the hand on her waist reached up and grasped her chin. His fingers brushed away wisps of caramel colored hair, remembering the last time he was so free with touching her was his grade school days, but they were in bed, still warm from each other's body. The intimacy relaxed him, the years they've spent knowing each other, comforted him. He ran his fingers through her hair, down the skin of her left arm before pressing on her back, making her turn towards him.

Mikan watched him shift on the bed, fold an arm under his pillow, and prop his head up so he can look at her better. Red eyes blinked sleepily at hers, his hand rubbing her back and she can feel herself calming down, her stiffening muscles turning lax under his ministration. He always knows how to handle her. It irked her when emotions that she doesn't know how to handle twisted inside her, urging her to tell him things that she didn't want him to know.

Natsume stared when she pushed his hand away and before he can say anything, she climbed over him and walked towards the bathroom. "I'm taking a bath, you should go back to your room."

"Something's wrong. Tell me."

She stopped at the quiet and knowing statement but after throwing a steady glance over her shoulder, she closed the door.


	9. The Nature of Secrets

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Nine: The Nature of Secrets

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

What do you know about love?

Starts with a smile

Moves oceans

Lasts for awhile

She turns a corner

And you lose your mind

And you think how unkind, how unkind

What do you know about love?

Except that you kill

You beg for forgiveness

For the freeness of your will

You've broken the alter

Where her body is lain

And you question

Wherefore comes this pain?

What do you know about love?

Except that you don't

The heavens have opened

And you say they won't

So you rip out your heart

And you put it to freeze

She seems happier without me

She seems happier without me

What Do You Know About Love? By Damien Rice

Ruka closed the door after waving their friends goodbye and turned towards Natsume. He observed Natsume's stiff and defensive posture, the slide of eyes. "What's wrong?"

Natsume walked towards his closet. "What do you mean?"

Ruka scoffed. "Come on. You and Mikan didn't talk the whole time she was here, she didn't even look at you. Come to think of it, you barely talked to each other these last two days."

"That's her problem, not mine."

Ruka sighed. "What did you do this time?"

Not in the mood to be judged, even by his best friend, Natsume snapped. "Nothing. I haven't done anything." He took a deep breath, angry at himself for losing control, even for a second. "Just leave it alone."

Ruka blinked, Natsume rarely raised his voice, to him or to others, even when angry like he was now. He saw the frustration on the tightness of his friend's jaw, the stiff movements as he pulled his shirt off and put on…his uniform?

"Natsume, why are you putting on your uniform this late at night?"

Natsume buttoned the shirt and tightened his belt. "I have a mission."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I didn't want to ruin the mood."

Ruka watched as Natsume knotted his tie. "Did you tell Sakura?"

Natsume turned away in the guise of getting his jacket from the hanger. "Why should I?" For a long minute, Natsume felt Ruka's blue eyes dug holes into his back.

"I can't believe you. So, what? Because she has a problem that she's not telling you, you pay her back by not telling her when you go out on a mission?"

Natsume looked out, checked the weather and he pulled on a drawer to get gloves. He stared at the first one that caught his eyes and pulled it out. Usually he dislikes wearing gloves on missions because it interferes with the sensitivity of his fingers, restricted its movements. He put the glove on and felt the slick thin material molding to his fingers, it warmed his hands, protected his knuckles but it was also thin enough that it felt like he was wearing nothing at all. It was one of Hotaru's clever inventions, a gift from Mikan. Remembering that and because it felt too good in his hands, he took it off and put it back inside the drawer. "She doesn't need to know."

"That's not for you to decide." Ruka gritted his teeth and glared at his friend's back. "Why are you so angry anyway? It's not like you are always honest with us."

Natsume shifted his eyes towards Ruka's blue ones.

"What? You're going to deny it? You have your share of secrets, why can't she?"

He tried to find some witty answer but all he can come out with was a lame, "It's different."

"Why? Why is it different?"

"Because it's not like her to keep secrets. It's not like her to stay quiet with her problems." Natsume turned away and put on his jacket. "She's tired."

"Huh?"

"She's tired of me. Of my problems, of always having to worry about me." Natsume closed his eyes tight. "She's giving up on me."

Ruka stared at his friend who stood between the thin white curtains drifting lazily in the wind. He didn't know why, but Ruka suddenly felt like if he so much as blink, he will never see his friend ever again. He lifted a hand to touch Natsume's shoulder but his hand only touched air.

When Ruka leaned forward to look outside only shadows moved over the school grounds.

-----------

Natsume took off his mask and took a deep breath. He wiped the sweat off his brow and slicked his hair back. When he heard the sound of footsteps, he put it on again.

Persona appeared with a group of men dressed in black with military hair cuts and build. He stood from his crouched position on of a tree branch and jumped down without making a sound behind them.

"Ah, there you are, Kuro Neko-san." Persona chuckled beneath his mask when the men turned towards Natsume in a flurry of movements, surprised at being caught off guard. "Don't feel bad gentleman, our Kuro Neko is the best after all."

Persona noted the envy, the admiration and most of all the fear in the men's eyes which is the whole point of this demonstration of Natsume's power as a delegation of Alice's towards the military world. He also observed the animosity and nervousness of the men when Natsume came to a stop beside them; a mere boy of sixteen who can kill you without having to twitch an eyebrow.

Of course, they don't know that yet, today Persona ordered Natsume to not use his Alice but limit himself to his skill of martial arts and array of weapons. Persona enjoyed watching them sweat over Natsume's speed, agility and cool control. Natsume really is the perfect fighter; his excellent reflex, the ability to think on his feet and the way he can read his opponent made it look like his actions were pre-cognitive.

His grace and control made him a joy to watch and a fearful enemy to fight against. Slim and slender, Natsume looked more like a dancer than a soldier which is probably why they snickered when they first saw him. But then, they saw him in action.

At first glance, it looked like there was no power behind his fists and kicks, his hands a pale shadow in the darkness as it flickered and spun in moonlight. His long and lanky body twisted and straightened, dissipating into the darkness. Persona always thought his movements deserved music, as he came in and out of sight. But today, today there was only silence; it enveloped the boy like a wide long cloak, engulfing him in some twisted version of serenity.

Which is probably why they sent nervous and anxious looks to the boy who stood eerily silent, his two hands in his pockets, burning eyes looking out from the slits of his ask. The grotesquely smiling expression of his mask only made him look more intimidating. Persona knew something was bothering the boy although his performance was as flawless as ever, it didn't take a psychic to sense the burning anger behind each punch and kick, behind each throw of kunai and the slash of the katana Persona gave to Natsume.

The black saya of the katana was hanging on Natsume's back and Persona gestured his hand for it. Natsume gave it back without protest, he also parted with the kunai's, the stiletto knives, the thin acupuncture needles strapped to both wrists and two daggers that appeared out of nowhere.

"Very well. You may go and rest."

Without a word, Natsume turned on his heel and eyes followed as he leaped onto a tree and proceeded to disappear into the night.

The missions have its uses. Even these petty ones, he was now used to show off his skills to important people like the perfect pet that he was. It was Persona's and the academy's way of ensuring their cooperation, their version of lobbying that also serves as a silent threat. Their way of saying 'Special forces? Hah, eat this!' and/ or 'Feel free to mess with us, but please keep in mind that we have a whole squadron of dangerous ability types who can kill hundreds of you without breaking a sweat'. Personally, Natsume thought that Persona was just pissed that they snickered at the way he dressed. Not that he can blame them.

When he was far enough, Natsume took off his mask, relieved when cold wind blew across his moist face. He needed to blow off some steam and though he could've just headed out to the gym or picked an opponent from his dangerous ability class but the situation had came to a point that even his classmates try to avoid a hand to hand fight with him. So, this mission actually helped with dealing with his anger and his frustration.

It's been two days since he walked out of Mikan's room, confused and rejected. Anger shimmered just over the guilt. They haven't talked since then, even when they met in class and sat side by side with Ruka and Hotaru, even when they got together with their friends, even when the rumors about Natsume's sleepover in her room reached their ears.

She didn't get angry, she didn't whine, she didn't react nor did she responded to the gentle prodding of their friends.

But what pissed him off most was the fact that even when they are not talking, she still came over to change his bandages though she didn't even look at him, like he was just an obligation, so he responded in the only way that he knew how. If she was holding back things from him than he damn well going to hold things back from her. Because she rejected his help, he rejected her back. He didn't let her change his bandages or get near him for that matter. Civil and ruthless politeness backed up by stone cold silence was how he treated her for the last two days.

Bitterness was choking his throat and he gagged in his silence, anger starting to spill over made his feet moved faster and faster until he arrived at the edge of the southern forest in record time. He dropped to the ground and leaned on a tree, sliding heavily against it until he finally came to sit on the ground, catching his breath.

His words to Ruka finally catching up with him.

_She's tired of me. She's giving up on me._

He can't blame her if she was. He can't blame her if she did. He understood, he really did. He was lucky that she lasted as long as she did.

Natsume heaved out a breath, ran trembling fingers through his damp hair.

He couldn't stand it. He couldn't bear the thought of not having her with him. He clutched at the front of his shirt, trying to ease the heavy pressure in his chest. He wanted to claw at the hurt, to yank it out.

Unconsciously releasing a burst of power, the small circle of ground where he sat was reduced to black ashes.

"Aniki, calm down."

Red eyes snapped up and honed in on the intruder. He saw a glint of silver hair, a flash of pale green. His answer to the pleading was a gasp as he tried to draw air into his lungs but the effort was too much.

Yoichi maintained his distance as he felt the slap of hot air, saw the grass around Natsume starting to wilt but he was more worried about the look on Natsume's face.

"Aniki, you have to calm down. Your Alice is leaking out."

When Natsume didn't answer but continued to gasp and clench his chest, Yoichi knew that something is very, very wrong. It was not just a matter of overusing his Alice anymore. He stood from his kneeling position.

"I'll get oneechan." He pivoted but was stop by Natsume voice and he felt the air trembled and thickened.

"No."

"But, aniki, she's the only one who can help you with your Alice."

"It's my Alice. I'll deal with it. I don't need her."

Yoichi's heart thumped hard and fast, he didn't like the sound of that or the look on Natsume face. The last time Natsume told himself that he didn't need Mikan, he almost blew up a big chunk of the academy. Although Yoichi never said it out loud, on those long, long months, Yoichi found himself fearing his surrogate brother/ father figure.

Nowadays he was often times busy with his classes and his own friends, but his relationship with Natsume, Mikan and their close friends did not change. Ruka told him that he was worried about Natsume, which is why he found out where Natsume was and waited for him here, he knew that Ruka is never wrong when it comes to Natsume.

He watched as Natsume closed his eyes, his brows snapping in a long line until finally, Yoichi felt the air clear. The nine year old wiped the sweat off his brow and took a deep breath"Are you okay? Can you stand?"

"I'm fine." Natsume shifted his eyes towards the boy. "Ruka sent you."

Since it wasn't a question, Yoichi merely stood there, his two hands in his pocket, unconsciously mirroring the older boy's trademark stance.

"I'm fine, Yoichi. Go back to your dorm."

"I'll go back after I see you to your room."

Their eyes clashed. Yoichi's stubborn, Natsume's resentful.

"There was a time where you followed my every word."

Yoichi's lips twitched, relieved when Natsume managed to stand up steady and straight. "Are you hurt?"

"No."

Yoichi frowned. "You're bleeding."

Natsume blinked, looking as if he just knew that there was a damp dark patch on his upper right arm. "Nothing new." He walked in front of Yoichi with long, fast steps, itching to be alone.

"Was the mission difficult?"

"No."

"Are you overusing your Alice again?"

"No."

"Then why are you losing control? It's been a long time since that ever happen."

"Just tired."

Yoichi saw it. Saw the quick glance, the hesitation in his steps, the darkening of his eyes. For four years, without fail, Mikan always placed a candle by the window every time she knew Natsume was on a mission. In the spirit of the long honored tradition as a prayer for safety and a guide for wayward travelers to find their way home, it's warm glow has always been the first thing to welcome him home.

But now, Mikan's window is dark and empty. Youichi can't help but identify the window with Natsume whose face also looked dark and empty.

"Maybe she fell asleep."

Not even bothering to misunderstand what Yoichi was referring to, he shrugged. "She doesn't know."

Yoichi blinked, his mouth dropped slightly but Natsume didn't give him the opportunity to question him. With a sharp order to go back to his dorm and a quick ruffle of Yoichi's hair, Natsume entered his dorm.

--------------------------

He desisted from slapping a hand on the lap switch. Opting on candles instead, he struck a wooden match and light up one near the bed, the other on the coffee table. He didn't want to risk using his power tonight, anger and frustration, as he came to know, only fueled his fire. And he _was_ angry _and_ frustrated, dangerously so. He can feel his power responding to it, like a glass filled to the brim that only needs one more drop for it to spill over, his power coiled and twisted inside him, searching for a way to escape, it hummed across his skin, just waiting for something to push him over the edge.

Natsume stopped and stood in the middle of his room, not knowing what to do with himself now that he was alone so he just stood there, his flesh riddled with goose bumps, his muscles jumping with the electric shock of power.

There was a brush of wind, a whisper of cloth behind him and he pivoted. When he realized what or more precisely who it was, his body tensed even more. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Mikan stood in front of the window, wearing a loose powder blue sleeveless night dress, its material so light that every time she breathed, layer after layer drifted in the air. Natsume stared at her, long and hard, watching the way her hair drifted around her shoulders, curling around her arms, her big amber eyes were dark, her feet bare.

He felt his power rise and fought against the chains of his self control even when unbidden thoughts like 'she must be freezing' entered his mind, so did images of him wrapping his arms around her. He gripped the back of the sofa, unwilling to be controlled by his emotions. He hated himself for the weakness, for wanting so much, loving so much that he was prepared to forgive every hurt, every slight, and every wrong just to have her. Hated her, simply because he couldn't bring himself to hate her.

Desperation was an ugly emotion, a weakening, debilitating feeling that can change a proud man into a slave. And he was desperate for her, desperate enough that he felt his heart jumped straight into his mouth at just the sight of her.

He gripped the sofa tighter when she stepped closer. "I want to make sure that you are alright."

He turned away when a shaft of moonlight touched her silhouette, refusing to drink in her presence. "Ruka or Yoichi?"

She ignored his question. "You're hurt."

His feet finally steady, he turned and walked towards his closet, dropping his jacket and time onto the floor. "Go back to your room."

"You're bleeding."

He glanced at the blood staining his shirt. _Funny, it doesn't hurt._ "It's just a graze. Nothing I can't handle."

"Let me take a look at it."

He didn't need to look at her to know where she was. He felt her, a solid presence behind him. When he sensed her close, he moved away. "Leave it alone."

He stripped off his shirt, didn't even flinch when he had to yank the sleeve off his wound since the blood made it stick to his skin. He tossed the shirt away, not caring where it ended and took off his belt. "Leave me alone, youjo."

Mikan heard the anger and the slight threat in his voice, but she stepped closer. "I'll go after I take care of your wound."

He slapped her hand away, ignoring the way she blinked at him. He pulled on his belt. "I _said_ leave me alone."

"Natsume." She started but he cut her off. "Leave. Me. Alone."

She detected the tightness in his shoulders, the stiffness of his back. He was so angry that he couldn't even look at her. She stepped closer and watched his spine went ramrod straight. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Hurt me? Hurt_ me_?" He whirled towards her and she felt the air simply trembled with his anger. The expression of his face was mean and cruel. Candle light gleamed on the red stone of his left earring, in his eyes. "I don't know where the hell you got that idea." He stepped closer to her, his body language turned intimidating and menacing but in contrast, his voice was softer and lower. "In order for you to hurt me you actually have to mean something to me." The hand that he lifted towards her cheek felt coarse and strong. "Just because I kiss and cuddle you, it doesn't mean that you actually mean something to me. You are just another girl in a long line of girls." His hands slid down and wrapped around her neck, squeezing lightly as he leaned down, his lips hovering over hers. Red eyes intent on her lips. "But the fact is, sweet, sweet Mikan. " He lifted his eyes and caught hers. "You mean absolutely nothing to me."

Natsume pushed her back and turned away after he saw the flicker of hurt in her eyes. "Now go away like a good little girl that you are. We'll play doctor another time."

Mkan fought against the hurt that was impossibly huge and swallowed back her tears. She knew he didn't mean it, but it still hurt to hear the words come out of his mouth. "I came here to take care of you and I'm going to do just that. You can be angry all you want but I _will_ take a look at that wound."

"Will?" He rounded back at her. "This is my body, this is my room. And this is what I think about _you_ and your _stupid_ savior complex." With a fast, strong sweep off his hand, the first aid kit in Mikan's hand bounced off the wall, cracked open and spilled it's contents onto the floor. She watched a bottle rolled out of the box and she returned her eyes towards Natsume. "I make the decisions here and I want you to go. If you want to play nurse, go and find one of your little friends. I'm sure one of them will be happy to slice open a vein and have you take care of it."

Natsume watched as Mikan only stood there, looking steadily at him. He wanted her to hit him, to scream at him, to scratch his eyes out, anything to channel the heat and pain that raged inside him but she turned quietly and stepped towards her first aid kit. He curled his hands into fists to stop their shaking, the air around him pulsed and thickened.

"Leave it." He bit off but she kneeled and started to gather the scattered bottles and bandages. "It'll only take a minute."

Mikan winced when strong fingers gripped her left arm, nails digging into her skin as he yanked her off her knees. "I said leave it." He dragged her to the door.

"You're hurting me."

In reflex, his fingers loosened for a second before he gripped her harder. "I don't care."

"Yes, you do." Her eyes shifted to something at his back. He stopped when her hand touched the hand that was gripping her arm, her fingers circling his wrist. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. Calm down."

He snarled at her. "You didn't. Don't flatter yourself."

"Natsume, calm down. The candles."

For a second, he didn't know what the hell she was talking about then he followed her eyes. The candles that he lit was burning fast, wax sliding in rapid drips like tears, its flame eating its own body; responding to his emotions, the flames of the two candles elongated and stretched high towards the ceiling, dancing in the darkness. He stared at it as visions of him burning down his room for the simple reason because he could, entered his mind. But in the end he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and strived for control. He didn't particularly succeed in shutting off his power and he'll worry about that later, but the candles turned back to normal.

He pulled the door open and pushed her out, but she held onto his wrist. He felt his power wind itself inside him, ready for another try for escape as irritation sparked. "Let go."

"No."

"Move it or lose it."

Mikan tilted her chin up. "Go ahead. I'm not letting you go until I treat that wound. Look at it, it's still bleeding."

From the corner of his eyes, he saw red lines spilling down his skin, the blood stain on his undershirt widening. He ignored it.

"Natsume, your control is not at its best tonight. You need me here."

He pulled his hand away but she held tight, extraordinarily pissed off at her for reminding him that he really did need her, Natsume pulled hard on his hand, but he only succeeded in pulling her across the door way, bumping their bodies against each other. Breathing fast, his eyes intense, his power screaming inside his head; he looked down at her. Fierce red eyes narrowed on her stubborn expression.

"You're not going to let go." It wasn't a question or an order, it was a statement of fact. His eyes flashed when Mikan tightened her hold on his wrist but instead of pulling himself away, he took hold of her arm. "Fine."

She found herself pulled across the living room, her feet barely touching the carpet because he was half dragging, half lifting her. Anxiety fluttered in her stomach when he slammed the bathroom door behind them.

"What are you doing?" She asked when he took off his white undershirt, exposing the extent of his wound as blood glinted darkly in the pale rivulets of moonlight that entered from the small window above. He reached into the shower and turned the water on full blast. Mikan kept her eyes on Natsume's face when he took hold of his pants and dropped it to the floor. "I want to take a shower, and since you're not going to let go of me or leave, you might as well join me."

He stood in front of her in loose black boxers, his eyes glowing with challenge, mockery and speculation. She stared at him, uneasy but suspicious of his motives. "You're bluffing. You're just doing this to scare me." _And it's working_. Mikan suppressed the urge to take a big step back when he leaned closer and put a hand on her almost naked shoulder. Only a thread of thin lace stood between his palm and her skin, suddenly feeling that she was under dress her insides jumped when his hand on her shoulder squeezed gently then slid slowly down, tracing a hot line from her shoulder to her wrist.

She forced herself to stay still when his breath touched her left ear, his bangs sliding against her forehead. "Am I?"

She sucked in an indignant breath when without warning, hands gripped her waist and pulled her into the shower where she sputtered at the shock of being pummelled by ice cold water. She blinked frantically and wiped the water from her face, pushing her hair from her face while she tried to escape the hard pressure of the sprays. When she finally managed to blink water from her eyes, her sight was blocked by a cloud of steam, her eyes widening when she realized that the steam was the result of cold water touching Natsume's heated skin. The hissing sounds of water evaporating filled her ears, made her heart pumped faster as was the sight of Natsume broad shoulders looming over her, casting her even more in shadows. She jumped when he slapped his hands on the tiles behind her, caging her in, blocking the spray of water that drummed his shoulder. His head down, half his face covered by his wet hair, his breath was coming out in fast pants filled with curses. White steam coming off his body like angry clouds.

"Natsume? What's happening? You usually have better control than this." It's a good thing that her Alice is Nullification, if it was someone else, judging by the steam rising from Natsume's body, that someone would be in extreme pain right about now. Amber eyes watched worriedly when Natsume gasped out a breath then slammed his hands on the wall behind her, his chest heaving as he gulped down humid air. Tears pricked Mikan eyes when Natsume's body bent forward with a sharp exclamation of pain. She wanted to touch him, to comfort him but Natsume always refuse her touch when he was like this.

It took a long time for him to finally let her be around him when he was like this.

Her hands hover over him, ready to catch him and her eyes shifted to the wound on his upper arm, it was still bleeding, the water only encouraging it further. It was a nasty gash but thankfully not deep. Trails of dark red circled on the floor, under their feet and into the drain.

She jumped when Natsume's head dropped on her left shoulder, his breath was incredibly hot on her skin. He was tensed and shaking, and she can feel his power inside her head. It _felt_ wrong.

"Don't touch me."

"Natsu.."

"Don't you _dare_ touch me."

The anger in his voice was another slice to a heart that was already hurting. He always had a knack for hurting her; just a word, a look and he can send her to tears. She clenched her hands on her wet skirt, heavy and sticking to her skin, feeling the weight of Natsume's head on her shoulder and she stood there quietly, trying not to cry.

"I didn't mean to hurt you by keeping secrets. I just wanted to deal with it on my own. To see if I can. I'm sorry."

Mkan swallowed the lump in her throat, feeling miserable as she always did when she was fighting with Natsume, when he didn't answer, she felt her lips tremble and a huge pressure appeared in her chest.

"You're lying."

Mikan stepped back from the accusation and to better see his face, but he kept his head down. "No, I'm not."

"You're just like them. Keeping secrets, lying. Next time, you'll just be gone."

She stared at him, hearing the bitterness and disbelief in his voice. "No. Natsume-kun. I won't leave you."

He snapped his face towards her, the shine in his eyes told her how hurt he was, how devastated he felt when she closed herself from him, when she deliberately put something between them. "Yes, you will." He slapped her reaching hands away, harder than he ever did because he wanted so much to come to her, to be held by her. "We're done here. I don't need you."

Ignoring the ravaged look on her face, he turned his back on her, letting the cold water cool down his face and head. "Get out."

He closed his eyes when he sensed her move, clenching his hands at his sides to fight the urge to stop her and keep her with him. He struggled on a breath while he felt his heart break into a million pieces, scattered shards that can never be put together again because it was never whole in the first place. His legs giving way, he pushed a rigid hand against the wall in front of him, another hand covered his face as he tried to push through the pain.

Natsume's ragged breaths hitched, his heart stopped when he felt familiar arms went around him. His skin was burning but he felt her warmth on her back, her softness, she might as well shoot him straight through the heart.

"I'm sorry, Natsume -kun."

He felt himself soften, felt himself respond to her gentle touch, to the pleading in her voice. _How could this have happen? How did she make me so impossibly driven that I might, at any second, beg?_

His anger reared his ugly head as did his injured pride and his broken heart. His frustration warred with his exasperation and once again his power shifted inside him, responding but he ruthlessly pushed it back.

The hurt was overwhelming, the pain unbearable, it swallowed and drowned him, leaving him weak and like every hurt animal, he lashed out at its cause.

"I hate you. I _hate_ you." He gritted his teeth, his voice an angry hiss, nearly bursting with emotion. "I hate _you_."

His hands on the wall curled into fists when he felt her tightened her arms, felt the press of her little palms on the chest as he fought the clawing need to hold and beg for her forgiveness. Beg her to love him. Beg her to never leave him.

And if he did, he knew he will come to hate her though he would probably hate himself more.

He closed his eyes because he so desperately wanted to look at her, to see himself reflected in her eyes. He kept his head down, his view obstructed by his drooping wet hair, his rapid breath mingling with the cloud of steam rising from his own body.

He closed his eyes. Air shuddering in his lungs as feelings churned inside him, he let it out in a tumble of quietly spoken words, his voice slightly trembling, "_I hate you_."

And although the words were the same, its meaning was not. She understood that. She shut her eyes tightly and responded the only way she knew how.

The only way both of the understood.

She pressed her cheeks against his back, her lips moving on his skin as she whispered softly, so softly;

"I hate you, too."


	10. Of Love, Friendship and Sacrifices

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Ten: Of Love, Friendship and Sacrifices

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

A/N: Hey, my first Gakuen Alice Fanfiction. Reviews please. Gentle with the flames.

I love you more than I should

So much more than is good for me

More than is good

Oh, the timing is cruel

Oh, I need and don't want to need

More than I should

I am falling, say my name

And I'll lie in the sound

What is love, but whatever my heart needs around

And it needs you too much now

Lie in the Sound by Trespassers William

Natsume slept with his back to her, ignoring her soft eyes and the fragrance of her skin as she slipped in beside him. He shifted his injured arm, already bandaged and taken care of. A process that he endured without looking or saying a word to her, paying no attention to her searching eyes, the gentleness of her touch or the patient way she looked at him. He paid no attention to how she looked in his pajamas; small and vulnerable. It killed him to have her so near but untouchable, he clenched his eyes tight and wished for sleep, no matter how restless, no matter how filled with nightmares it'll be. Anything is better than this.

He twitched in his sleep, somehow sensing something was wrong. He felt movement that was not his, heard voices that was not his.

Someone is crying.

His eyes snapped open. _Mikan._

He turned and saw her body jerk, soft keening sounds were coming out of her mouth. Her face was twisted into a picture of pain and grief. A breath came out as a sob and tears fell from her eyes. Helpless against his heart, Natsume reached out and touched her, shook her when she fought him.

"Nonononononnononono."

"Mikan, wake up. It's a dream." Natsume swallowed back his own fear when she cried in her sleep, sobbing like her whole world was crashing down, like she was losing everything that mattered. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, rocking her, wiping away her hot tears. "It's only a dream. Come back to me." He caressed her hair, her face, rubbed his lips against hers, willing her to feel him, to sense him, to seek him out in whatever darkness she was in. "Please." His heart was aching in his chest at the sound of her cries. "Come back to me."

Finally, after what Natsume felt like a lifetime, her eyes opened, wet with tears, glazed with pain, it searched through the darkness frantically and found him. With a sound between an anguished cry and a sob of relief, she sat up and crawled onto his lap, her arms clawing at her back, fisting on his T-shirt, desperately trying to wrap herself around him.

Confused, but glad that she was awake, he rubbed his hands on her back, buried his face in her hair and kissed her neck. She sobbed onto his chest, her whole body shaking as she curled in his lap like a child. "It's okay. It's only a dream. It's okay. I've got you."

"I've been having dreams…about you." She blurted out as if the words came out unwillingly, without her permission. He tightened his hands around her, finally knowing why she's been so secretive. "There were screams…and people were just…but I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe." She sobbed, big fat tears fell down her face and she lifted those eyes to him. The pain he saw sliced him in two. "I didn't mean to hurt you by keeping it a secret but I just couldn't…. "

"There's something wrong with you." When he opened his mouth to deny it she slapped a hand on his shoulder. "_Don't_ lie to me."

Fresh tears dropped from her eyes. "There's something wrong with your Alice. I can feel it like a hum inside my head. It's different." She looked straight into his eyes, daring him to lie to her. It almost made sense that she was the first one to guess. He knew Ruka felt that something was wrong, but he probably couldn't put his finger on it.

But she did. She always did.

She stared at his face, as if memorizing every line and every curve, every strand of hair. Her next question seemed to be pulled out from deep inside her. "You're dying, aren't you?"

Natsume look back at her, at those big amber eyes, the cute button nose, the firm and sweet, sweet mouth, feeling his lips curved in a smile, with her in his arm, all of a sudden dying didn't seemed so bad.

"I've been dying everyday of my life. You know this."

She buried her face against his chest and shook her head. "I can't handle it. I can't. It's too much.. I don't know how…" She broke off and held him tighter. "If I lose you..."

He touched her lips to her cheek, not thinking of himself at all. He only wanted to comfort and take care of her. To sooth and love her. "I understand. It's okay."

She shifted on his lap, their legs tangling as she raised herself to circle her arms around his neck, desperate for human contact, for his warmth and pressed against him. "Don't be angry at me."

He pulled her closer, righting her position on his lap so she can press closer, to give what she needs, ignoring the jerk of his stomachs muscles, the sharp teeth of lust gnawing on his insides when she ran her small palms on his back, pressed her softness against his chest, her lips on his shoulder. "I'm not."

Keeping his hands around her, holding him to her, he hissed out a breath when she brought her hands on his face and pressed her lips to his cheek. It was an innocent enough gesture, one that she did regularly. But it won't be innocent tonight, not when she was on his lap, in the middle of the night and on his bed.

"Stop." He snagged her arms and pulled at it gently. The look of confusion on her face almost made him laugh.

"You're still mad at me."

He closed his eyes and chuckled, shook his head and laced their fingers together. "No, it's just if you keep doing that…" His voiced trailed off when his eyes returned to her. Her hair was messy and still a bit damp from 'their' shower, her amber eyes were misty, light tinted eyelashes clumped together like lace, her expression soft and a little lost. He felt his heart bumped once, twice against his ribs and when he inhaled a trembling breath, her scent fuddled his brain, reflexively, he licked his dry lips. When he finally managed to speak, his voice sounded like it came from somewhere far, far away, "...if you keep doing that..I might have to kiss you."

He watched her reaction, watched her eyes darkened before her eyelashes fluttered, her cheeks tinged with pink, her lips opening slightly when he felt her fingers jerked against his. And he also felt her heart jumped and pound against his chest.

"Do you want to?"

Keeping his eyes on hers, his lips curved slightly in a self mocking smile. "Do I ever not?"

Tentatively he leaned forward, gauging her reaction. When she didn't move away, Natsume tightened their fingers and rubbed his lips against hers, opening his lips to catch her sigh. If it occurred to him that he might be taking advantage of her vulnerable state, he shoved it away. If it occurred to him that she might be willing tonight but not tomorrow, he pushed that thought away, too. After all, tomorrow is another day. Cross that bridge when we come to it..yada, yada, yada..

He persuaded her hands to encircle his waist, his own hands lifting to cup her face, thumbs brushing her cheeks, slightly moving her head to the side for better access. Softly he pressed his lips to hers, prolonging the touch by a breath, a sigh, a gaze. He cradled her jaw and felt her leaned into him when he ran his fingers along the clean line of her neck. He pressed little kisses to her eyelids, her nose, the corner of her mouth, her temples, slowly rubbing their cheeks against each other then nipped her chin before covering her mouth with his, enveloping her completely in his arms as he melted into the kiss, taking her deeper, deeper along that delicious slide of desire.

He murmured appreciatively when she opened her mouth and he deepened the kiss, a hand making its way to massage her nape, the other sliding down her thigh and to her legs, straightening them as he lowered her onto his bed. Careful and hesitant, his trained senses ready to detect her slightest resistance. When it did not, he laid her gently on the bed, covering her body with his own, sliding a leg between hers, elbows taking on his weight as he continued their soft open mouth kisses.

He didn't take anything for granted, he savored every feeling, every touch, every breath, every sound that came from her. He worshipped every strand of hair, every line and curve, the texture of her lips, the taste of her mouth, impatient with the few seconds that he was forced to break off their kiss in order to breathe. A few seconds were too long for him to be parted from her.

He clenched his fingers into the bed sheets when she let out a soft moan that did wicked things to his insides. When he felt her practically dissolve onto the bed, he broke off the kiss to catch his breath and regain his control. He pressed his lips to her jaw line, breathing deep before lifting his head to look at her. Just look at her.

When she blinked at him, weakened and thoroughly seduced; eyes dark, face flush, her mouth red and swollen, soft caramel hair spread beneath her, her body languid beneath his, he wasn't a man if he wasn't the slightest bit tempted to continue. But swallowing his lust, he gathered her into his arms, rolled and let her lie on top of him before he reached for the duvet and covered them both. He sucked in a trembling breath when she squirmed on top of him, trying to find a comfortable position.

He closed his eyes and smiled when she ran a hand up his chest and his neck to grip his hair. "G'night, Natsue."

He rubbed her back and pressed a kiss on her forehead then just touched his cheek to the top of her head before closing his eyes. "G'night, youjo."

----------------

He felt something pulsing inside of him, something that was coming alive. Blooming like a flower, slow but sure. It shivered, trembled but gradually grew stronger and stronger.

Beautiful and untamed, wild and free.

He knows and recognizes it, and fears it as much as he wants to embrace it.

Natsume snapped his eyes open and clutched his chest, struggling to breathe, he turned towards Mikan who was still asleep and managed to inched away from her but a fresh bout of pain tore a sound of pain from his throat and he shot off the bed and fell to the floor, under his hand, the white fluffy carpet started to char. He eyed in it horror.

_No, not now. Not now. Please, not now._

Gagging for air and clenching his fingers into the carpet to ease the pain, he watched the singed mark growing wider under his hands. His vision was starting to grey and spotted because of lack of oxygen and he fought to concentrate. Fought to find his balance.

_Come on, you know you can do it, you bastard. She's here for God's sake. She'll know._ Struggling to calm down and to suck air into his lungs, he finally found an opening in his consciousness. He felt his Alice fighting his attempts to control it, to smother it, heard its protest, its demands and can't help to sympathized.

All his life, he knows, just as he knew that the sky was blue, his Alice was different from everybody else's, that unlike others, his Alice was actually alive. It has a mind of its own, a will of its own. And Kuro Neko, his alter ego, is only its instrument, its conduit.

When he put on that ask, he is no longer Natsume Hyuuga, he is no longer human. He is something else.

He was his Alice. He was fire.

Fire has no feelings, no emotion, no vices, no weaknesses, no wants and desires. It only has one purpose which is to burn. To consume whatever that stands in its way. Which in effect made him the perfect killing machine, unfortunately it also made him the most reckless one because more often than not, he forgot that he was flesh and blood and that he can be hurt, he can bleed and he can die.

When he put on that mask all his cares and worries disappear under the surge of power that overwhelms. It was like possession.

Lately, Natsume felt a little weary of the thought of being someone else because he felt it, felt that underneath all of that power, there was also a mean sort of happiness. His Alice's gleefulness of being free, it sang in his blood, in his mind, the sense of freedom that can only be exchanged with losing certain parts of himself; like his heart, his logic, his sense of right and wrong, his conscience.

Those little parts that made him human.

But he wasn't worried about that, what worried him was the fact that he liked it. That he wanted that kind of freedom. The fact that apart of him wanted to be like that terrified him.

Natsume heaved out a breath and forced himself to a sitting position. He had to do something but not here. He should go somewhere far from here where no one can see him. He'll take care of it. _I can do this. I can beat this._

His muscles were aching with his effort, straining as he lifted himself onto his feet. He clenched his teeth when he felt something was tearing through his insides and pressed a hand to his mouth to muffle a cough. Shocked ran through him when he felt a dampness on his palm, he lifted his hand to moonlight and saw blood. _No. No. Why now? It's impossible. Not now._

Thoughts running in full speed, Natsume felt his feet weakened and he stumbled and leaned against a wall near the window, his vision wavering. _What's happening to me? Is this really it?_

As though in answer to his thoughts, he felt his power Alice moved inside him, pulsing like a heartbeat, sensing a weakness in his control and like the worthy opponent that it was, it shifted sneakily to find it. He felt it, the rocket-like rise of his body temperature, the dissolving of that logical part of his brain and the surfacing of his instincts.

He can only watch in horror as his hands started to shiver and fire started to envelop it. He was losing control and his mind was too befuddled to think of a way out. He threw his gaze across the room to…to do something and his eyes fell on the sleeping figure. _Mkan. She'll be in danger. I can't let her see me like this, _he straightened ignoring the little voice inside him said…_'I can't let her see me die'_.

He was ready to jump out the window when something stopped him, a voice calling out his name; her voice.

Struggling between wanting saying good bye, his desire to see her face one last time and the need to assure her safety, he finally turned his head towards her.

Her expression told him that she knew, she understood what was happening and although she couldn't think of any words to say, she opened her mouth anyway.

"I'll get help. I'll get Hotaru, she'll know what to do."

She was already halfway to the door, half blind and choking with the knowledge she saw on his face when he finally found his voice.

"No."

She continued, her voice trembling with tears. "Ruka should know and the others."

"No."

"I'll stay with you."

This time, his refusal came much slower and softer. "No."

She took a step towards him but stopped when he backed away from her, seeing that, she finally broke. "Natsume-kun. Please."

The sight of her tears paining him more than what his Alice was doing to him, he shook his head…and fell to his knees, coughing hard, his body shaking by the force of it.

"Natsume -kun."

The fire on his hands was reaching his shoulders and he held out a fiery hand. "Stay back! Don't come near me."

Mikan was also kneeling on the floor, her heart pounding hard with fear when she saw the blood on his palm, at the corner of his lips. "Please, let me help. I can help."

"No, you can't. We tried that, remember? You can't completely stop my Alice, it's too powerful."

"But that was two years ago, I'm stronger now."

He managed his usual cocky smile that always irritates her. "So am I."

Their eyes met and he smiled a sad and gentle smile that rarely appeared on his face while his memories of her spun and played in his mind.

She saw it, saw the resignation in his eyes and shook her head in denial. "No. No. Don't you dare."

He stood up and she ran towards him but he was still too fast for her. Her hand reached out, ready to grab any part of him but he slipped out of her fingers, she caught a flash of his smile, a flare of his fire before he disappeared from her sight. She searched for hi, eyes gazing out of the window but there was only darkness.

"**NATSUmE**!!!!"


	11. White, Black and Shades of Gray

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Eleven: White, Black and Shades of Gray

Disc: Not Mine. Not mine. NOT MINE.

-------------

Time has told me

You're a rare, rare find

A troubled cure for a troubled mind.

And time has told me

Not to ask for more

Someday our ocean will find its shore.

So I'll leave the ways that are making me be

What I really don't want to be

Leave the ways that are making me love

What I really don't want to love.

Time has Told me Nick Drake

---------------------------

_..dying doesn't seem so bad…._

-

-

Natsume's eyes twitched beneath his eyelids, his body jerking beneath the blanket that covered his aching body.

_-_

_-_

_Ruka hissed in pain as heat exploded beneath his feet. A wall of fire erupted seconds after he jerked back on the ground where he just stood. He gulped down the sense of betrayal, a sick ball of bitterness that choked his throat and lifted his eyes to stare disbelievingly into the long slanted eyes of his best friend._

_"Natsume. What the hell are you doing? Come back."_

_From behind the fiery wall that snapped and hissed, Natsume's cold eyes stared back at him. "This is one journey that I won' t let you follow me, Ruka. Stay away."_

_Ruka bared his teeth. "The hell I will."_

_-_

_-_

_His breath was fogging his glasses and he pulled and wiped it with his pajama top, the gesture was so familiar that Natsume almost smile. "Class president, do your job. Lead them home."_

_Yuu put his glasses on and smiled tightly. "You should know by now, Natsume-san. Class B has a penchant for ignoring authority figures."_

_-_

_-_

_"You can't figure out what's wrong with me. You can't fix me like one of your damn toys, Imai." _

_Hotaru looked cool and composed as ever, even when she was surrounded by a wall of fire two feet tall. "Is that a challenge, Hyuuga? You'll lose."_

_-_

_-_

_Koko lifted both his hands in a gesture of surrender, an amiable grin on his face while sweat rolled off his back. "Hey, don't look at me. They dragged me here."_

_Natsume gritted his teeth. "There's nothing you can do. Go back and don't follow me." He shifted his feet and tried not to fall, the pain was excruciating and it rippled inside him with every move and breath. _

_He halted when someone blocked his way. He should've known really, there was no way she would make it easy for him_.

_-_

_-_

_Amber eyes glinted angrily. "Why don't you ever let us help?"_

_"There's nothing you can do." He snapped back._

_"We can get you to the hospital-"_

_"And what? Let them drug me? The only thing that's controlling my Alice is me. If I'm unconscious, it will go out of control."_

_"Maybe one of the teachers-"_

_"Are you serious? Do you know what they'll do? They'll only lock me up in some room like a prisoner either that or they'll put me down like a rabid dog." He watched as their faces flinched. "I can't choose how I die but by God I'll choose where. I am not gonna waste away in a little forgotten room. And if you care for me at all, you'll let me go and let me keep my dignity."_

_Red panicking eyes met the familiar faces behind the wall of fire. "Please go. I don't want to hurt you. Please, let me have this."_

_-_

_-_

_"I said go! I don't want you here!!" The slap didn't sting as much as the frantic, desperate look in his eyes. Shock and grief stricken eyes stared at him for his display of unnatural hardness towards their stubborn friend and he surprised them even more when he bowed his head and begged. "Please. If something happens to you and it's because of me…" He didn't need to continue, his clenching hands and ragged breathes said it all._

_-_

_-_

Tensed fingers gripped a handful of sheets as he twitched and shifted his weight in his sleep.

-

-

_One by one they turned and left him, silent tears slid on their young faces, helplessness crippled their hearts, making their steps heavy with thoughts about the unfairness of it all. Except her._

_His name was a whispered breath upon her lips as they stared at each other, countless memories of days gone by sprinted in their minds. Each and every second of their lives seemed to entwined, bringing them to this exact moment._

_"Sayonara."_

_A deep careless farewell flitted in the air before he turned his back on her and as he heard the sound of footsteps moving farther away, he closed his eyes against the bitterness and wrenching imaginings of what could be. Mouth opened to a soundless scream, he gave in to the pain and demands of his power and opened himself up to the vacuum silence of the night._

_Muscles clenching with the ferocious slide of his power as it budded open and burst through ever fiber and pore of his body, unrestrained, relentless and defiant. Numb and indifferent, he succumbed totally, uncaring of his fate. _

_Finally, he thought, finally there will be peace._

_His knees dropped on the damp earth as his blood boiled inside his veins and his mind hazed with relief, his head bowed, chin touching his chest in a gesture more suited to a child nodding off to sleep._

_There he knelt, a solitary figure bound in place by a tower of fury that blinded the night and shadowed the stars._

_His last breath was spent on her name and he smiled when he could almost hear her voice._

_-_

_-_

Natsume drew a strained breath and flinched, his face was a mask of pain and he gasped as events screamed inside his mind.

-

-

_Red eyes snapped opened at the feel of familiar arms around his shoulders and he breathed in smoke and lavender, realizing that what he first thought as God's much awaited last attempt to make it bearable for him, was actually the Devil's little twist for that extra flair of drama. _

_Damp amber eyes stared into betrayed red ones and when he spoke, it was to curse her and himself. "Damn you, Mikan."_

_"I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me."_

_Her lips curved just as her eyes closed and he felt her arms held him tighter as indignant flames pressed higher, tighter, and stronger. It swept over them, surrounded them and swallowed them. A flash of light filled the night. _

_Then silence. _

_-_

_-_

Red eyes shot opened dulled by pain and grief, his body twisted and arched off the bed, a howl of rage and pain tore from his throat and he struggled against panicked hands that held and bound him. His mind was a tunnel of twist and turns that was inescapable. It hurt to breathe and the pain shot through every nerve in his body in a never ending circle but he didn't care as he fought for freedom.

_This is only a dream. A bad dream._

He was dead. He had to be and she was no where around him that night. She couldn't. She left. She did. She was nowhere near him. She didn't…

"…tsume…stop it, you'll only hurt yourself."

"Natsume, it's us. Just us. You're okay."

His agitated mind sensed familiar voices, familiar hands and smells but not the one he hoped for. Yearned for. Hands slid over his weakening body, slipped over sweat and blood as memories continued to drummed his battered mind. Even as he once again fell into unconsciousness.

_She wasn't there. She wasn't…._

-

-

Ruka shot off his bed at the sound of a knock. "It's open."

Yuu took in the tense shoulders and the dark circles under the blond's blue eyes. "Did you get any sleep at all?"

Ruka shook his head and pressed fingers against his eyes. "You're one to talk."

Yuu shifted his weight from one foot to another. "Natsume woke up today."

"What? Why didn't you call me? How is he? Can he talk? Does he remember?"

Yuu shook his head at the hope that bloomed in Ruka's blue eyes. "It was just for a few seconds. He was…" He closed his eyes and tried to banish the anguished and pained look in Natsume's face from his mind. "Incoherent. He was dreaming I think, and he lost unconsciousness soon after."

Ruka noticed that his hands were shaking and he sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. "Dreaming? About… that night?"

Yuu nodded, he never minded being Class B's class president, even when they bring him trouble but this time, his responsibility hung heavily on his shoulders. All he wanted to do is crawl onto his bed and hide under the covers. "How…how is Hotaru-san? I haven't seen her lately."

Tired blue eyes shifted to the floor. "She's…Imai." Ruka shook his head.

Yuu's gentle eyes shifted towards the window. It was so beautiful outside. "She probably feels guilty…"

"Why the hell shouldn't she?" Bitterness bubbled up Ruka's throat. "If she did what she was supposed to do, Mikan wouldn't have-" Ruka's breathed hitched and he yanked at his collar in a gesture that showed his anger and frustration. "She wouldn't have-" He pressed his shaking fingers to burning eyes.

Yuu moved his eyes from Ruka's tensed figure, giving privacy to his friend's display of grief and because seeing the usual steady Ruka breaking down did nothing for his dwindling composure. "Ruka, if..when Natsume wakes up, what ... what do we tell him?"

Ruka closed his eyes to block out the question that circled his mind in his sleepless nights. "The truth. We tell him the truth."

He actually already figured that out but he wanted, no, needed a second opinion. Yuu nodded, pivoted and opened the door. "Ruka, did we..what we did..was it the right thing to do?"

Ruka flinched, the emotions on his face were naked and raw. "I…I don't know. I just…don't know."

Yuu nodded again, stepped across the door frame and closed the door, leaving Ruka to his thoughts as he walked away with his.


	12. The Path of Thorns

Into You, I Go

Chapter Twelve: The Path of Thorns

A/n: Guys...thanks for all the reviews...!!! I love you guys!!!!

---------------

You are a razor blade

You are precision-cut

You are a stare sharp as the tack in my eye

At rest in my veins

Your pulse in my neck

As sharp-edged as questions the time I have left

And so you are on my mind

I need a burning stake

I need a piercing dart

I need something as hot as it is sharp

And I need to bleed

I need to burn

I need a sure thing

I need a sure thing

And you are a mystery to me

I Need A Sure Thing by Dashboard Confessional

----------------

Anna slid the platter of cookies and adjusted the tea set in the middle of the island on the cooking class where her friends gathered. Well, some of them.

Konoko smiled in appreciation. "This looks great Anna. You out did yourself." The black haired girl eyed the stakes of cakes and cookies and aimed an impish grin at their designated cook. "Although, I think it's a bit much."

Anna's hands twitched in her apron. "Is it? Really?" Her fingers fluttered helplessly as she touched the plates and spoons. "I didn't realize..I mean..usually.." Her voice faltered and ended in a trembling breath as they gazed at each other in silence.

_Usually Mikan would …._

They started at the sharp sound of a cup clattering against its saucer when tired blue eyes opened and stared back at them. Ruka set down his tea, unsure of the steadiness of his hands and looked away from his friends. Something was growing in his chest and it was blocking his airway, suffocating him. His throat felt tight and unbelievably stretched, the weight in his chest amplified when he caught a glimpse of chilly violet beneath straight black bangs.

Something inside him screamed.

"Why…?"

Yuu who had been watching both of them from behind his glasses tensed at the question. Ruka's voice was harsh and hoarse…and accusing. "Ruka-" He stepped between Ruka and Hotaru, both were at different corners of the room, looking out their windows as if trying to find something, anything that will distract them from their thoughts or their dreams but before he could say anything else, Hotaru cut him off.

"Why what?"

The flat, cool tone of her voice made Ruka clenched his fists against the sudden heat that burst inside him, scalding his reason and shoving away his more pacified side. "Why did you do it?"

Ruka's blue eyes were bright and glazed with some kind of emotion that worried Yuu, especially when he found himself pushed to the side none too gently as the blonde stalked towards Hotaru.

At sixteen Hotaru was as slim and petite as her best friend. Her looks were delicate with her porcelain skin and large violet eyes. She still wore her hair as short as she did six years ago but apparently she had forgotten to get a hair cut because the edges of her black hair almost reached her chin and it framed her beautiful face. A shock of black amidst pale white and deep lavender.

For as long as Yuu knew her, Hotaru never looked small or weak despite her stature. In their minds, Hotaru was just as cautious worthy as Natsume because they hide so much and talk so little but now as they saw Ruka standing in front of her; body tensed, eyes flashing, they were struck at how…fragile she looked. Even if her candid gaze didn't waver from his.

"Did what?"

Anna and Konoko jolted and held each other's hands when Ruka slammed his palm on the wall hard enough to rattle their nerves. They held their breaths when Ruka leaned slightly towards Hotaru who didn't even bat an eyelash. Yuu wanted so badly for Koko to be there so he could pick his brain while the mind reader picked their brains.

Seconds filled silence passed by as they eyed the pair that stared into each other's eyes without even blinking. "Don't fuck with me, Imai."

Finally, in an agonizingly slow movement, Hotaru's long lashes swept over her eyes. "If you have something to say, Nogi, say it."

Blue eyes narrowed, looking straight into violet, trying to find even a speck of guilt or grief or anything but all he found was a dark chasm that did nothing to dispel the scorching heat inside him. _There must be something,_ he insisted, _is she really that heartless?_

An elegant brow arched slightly at his prolonged silence. "Then I'll excuse myself."

Hotaru's step hesitated when a strong hand clamped on her right arm, holding her in place. Her eyes shifted to said hand then to its owner. "Well?"

Ruka gritted his teeth at the way the word dropped from her mouth; smooth, careless. Granted, the damn girl always had a way of kicking down his ice walls but he never felt so angry with her. He hated her composure, that ridiculous mask she call a face, he hated the way she stood there, so unaffected while he felt crushed, unbalanced, desolate, devastated, angry…hollow. He felt like the ground was pulled out from under his feet and he was struggling, legs fumbling and arms waving in the air, just so he could maintain his balance while she did it so effortlessly. Looking at how calm she was made him feel all the more lacking and it raised his ire when he met those still, blank eyes. She wanted to shake her, hit her, and make her show some kind of emotion, anything than the icy demeanor she's been showing off.

He tightened his hands on her arm, expecting her to grimace or flinch but there was nothing. Her features remained smooth and flat.

His fingers gripped her upper arm tight enough to leave a few bruises in the morning but she merely looked at him dispassionately. Incensed and frustrated he pulled her closer, strong enough to make her feet fumble.

From the corner of his eyes he saw Yuu moving to intervened but a quick sharp glance managed to discourage him and he returned to stare at the girl in front of him. "What is wrong with you? Don't you feel anything?"

"Feel?"

He shook her once, not hearing the shock gasps around him since he was totally focus on Hotaru, on the look out for any kind of change on her impassive face. "Yes, _feel_. You were there with us on that night. You were there _with_ her."

"So?"

"So? So?" He hissed through clenched teeth. "God_damn_ it, Imai. What the _hell_ is wrong with you? Don't you feel anything? Sad? Angry? Guilty?"

This time she did react but the reaction hit off the mark in Ruka's mind. She looked inquisitive, confused even.

"Guilty? Why should I feel guilty?"

This time Yuu was really alarmed when a deep flush covered Ruka's face, his body shaking that he met Monchu's glance and they stepped towards Ruka but stopped when one by one, his fingers released their hold on Hotaru's arm then took a deliberate step back as if afraid that if he moved too fast or too soon, he'll be unleashing something that he didn't want or will regret later. As it was, Ruka took deep and careful breaths, trying to calm down. "How can you ask that? Does she mean so little to you?"

"By 'she' you mean Mikan?"

All of them felt something flinched inside of them at the mention of her name. It was much too soon, the wound was much too fresh.

"Yes." He hissed angrily.

"Mikan's my best friend." She said shortly, as though that was enough to explain everything.

Obviously not.

"Exactly. So how can you be like this? How can you not feel guilty? It's because of you Mikan is..that she's…"

"How come?"

At the question, eyes that were down cast lifted to her silhouette, basked in moonlight that dripped through the window, emphasizing her pale, pale face and her dark eyes. She looked eerily inhuman at that point but the silence that covered them broke by Ruka's stinging words.

"How come? What the fuck do you mean how come? If you stuck to what you should've done, if you didn't let her go, if you pleaded her not to go, if you advised her against it, if you held on to her…"

"..then she would still be with us." Shadows flitted across Hotaru's face that had nothing to do with the night or the dimming lights. "Is that what you think?"

"_Yesss_." He blurted out as if it should've been obvious.

Apparently not.

"And Natsume would've died."

Ruka's anger faltered.

"Mikan would still be here but Natsume wouldn't." This time it was Hotaru who took a step forward to him. "Is that what you want?"

"Of course not."

She took another step. "If things were the other way around. If Mikan was in danger would you have stop Natsume from coming to her?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why should I have stop Mikan? Because she's a girl?"

"No. You're putting words into my mouth, Imai."

Another step.

"If something happen to Mikan do you think Natsume can be comforted by thinking 'there's nothing I can do' and then walk away without doing anything in his power to help her?"

Another step.

"Do you think he can live with himself?"

Shock was a tangible thing in the room, it glided in the air to touch each and every one of them and Yuu sat down hard on a table fighting the hard lump in his throat at the emptiness in Hotaru's voice as they hear her whisper into the quiet night. "Do you think he would even want to?"

As they stared at her willowy, pale figure, memories of that night returned to them unbidden.

-

-

_Heat rolled off in waves and pushed on their backs as they forced their legs to run faster. Ruka's felt a tug on his arm and he slowed down so he can turned. "Mikan, come on."_

_Their paces shortened and slowed, their breaths were hard pants that sounded loud in the night that was devoid of any animal sounds. Even the wind was still._

_"Mikan. It's dangerous. We have to go." Ruka tugged at her hand and she stumbled. When their eyes met, Ruka shook his head. "He told us to go and he's right." He swallowed the hysteria in his voice. He must be strong now. She needed him to be strong. "We can't help him, Mikan."_

_"Ruka, I can't leave him."_

_Yuu coughed, the heat was burning his throat. "Mikan-chan. He's right. We can't turn back." He touched her other hand. "Natsume wouldn't want you to."_

_Ruka held her hand tighter and pulled her forward and breathed in relief when she followed. _What is she saying? She couldn't stay. It's too dangerous.

_He couldn't lose her, too._

_They could see the light from the dorms as they neared the edge of the forest and they ran faster, emboldened by the welcome sight._

_Ruka stumbled to a stop when he felt Mikan twisted and pulled her hand out of his grasp. HIs heart jumped up his throat. "Mikan. What are you doing?"_

_Their feet stop and turned to see Mikan inching back into the forest._

_"Mikan, no."_

_She stopped but not because of their urgings but because standing in her way, was her best friend, the one she had chased down, hounded and loved all her life. _

_They eyes met and they stared at each other._

"_Hotaru."_

_Violet clashed with amber as memories of their times together, of shared secrets, punches and laughter. Of violent actions and calm words. _

_And a bond so strong it was indestructible._

_"Hotaru."_

_The first time, her name was a shock whisper. The second time, it was a plead for understanding._

_Hotaru felt something inside her tore apart as she nodded slowly, that something shred to pieces and dissolve into nothing when she heard herself said. "Go."_

_But the light that returned into her amber eyes healed it and made it stronger when soft, loving arms encircled her neck. Violet eyes closed and knew it was something that she would never forget as long as she lived. Her eyes opened when she felt her go and met numerous shocked eyes. Not feeling the need to explain herself like always, she stared back at them. _

_"Let her go." _

-

-

"If I asked her, Mikan would've followed us but do you really think that is what she really wants? Do you really think that she would be happy knowing that she could've done something but didn't?" Her voice cracked at the end and she turned away from them, away from their stares. "I refused to hold her back just because I want her with me and I'll live with the consequences of my actions just like Mikan did. Like Hyuuga did. I have nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about."

With that, she walked out of them.


	13. Sleep Don't Weep

Chapter Thirteen: Sleep Don't Weep

A/N : Sorry for taking so long. I'll make it up to you guys so please don't stop reviewing me...

----------

Sleep don't weep

My sweet love

Your face so wet

And your day

Is rough

So do what you must do

To find yourself

Wear another shoe

Paint my shelf

There are times that I was broke

And you stood strong

I hope I find a place where I belong

Sleep Don't WeepDamien Rice

-------------------------

Shame.

He hadn't felt this way in a long time but he recognized the sick, twisting feeling in his stomach for what it was. Usually, he felt this way because of something that he didn't do or because of what he wasn't; strong enough, smart enough or brave enough.

This was the first time he was ashamed because of something he did.

For being what he was.

A bully.

It didn't help that he just realized it a few seconds ago…after he broke and entered her lab, spewing with self-righteous bitterness, blinded by anger, biased by selfish sorrow, until he saw her hunched over one of her on-going inventions in the dark amidst scatters of moonlight; her knowing hands that ran over the device lacked her usual grace and energy, her eyes were missing the gleam of discovery and excitement. Looking at her like that, sitting in unnerving silence he finally saw what he wanted to see.

The debris of her stoic composure.

The cracks in her unrelenting mask.

The glimpses of vulnerability in her fathomless eyes.

Somehow, it didn't make him feel any better, instead, it only made him feel worse.

He hunkered in the dark, watching her slow, dragging movements and felt like the worse kind of scumbag ever to exist in the world. The fact that this was actually Hotaru made him feel unbelievably ….he couldn't find the words.

A sharp clang and a sharp gasp returned his attention outwards and his blue eyes caught the way Hotaru stared at the pinprick of blood on her thumb. Before his very eyes, Hotaru's shoulders folded forward making her look even more vulnerable and dainty, the small gesture, the slight shift of weight told him everything he wanted to know and in knowing, understand.

He spent the last hour watching over Natsume's bedside; hoping, worrying, dreading. Trying to imagine how he would feel if it was Natsume who ran back that day. He tried to put himself in Hotaru's shoes.

Would he have done the same?

Would he have been able to let go of Natsume?

Would he have been as selfless?

The answer that came from deep within him only managed to coat his shame with small pricks of remorse and self-doubts.

Hotaru watched as the drop of blood that looked so red against her skin welled up while she constructed her thoughts on….nothing. Thinking she was alone, she gave a loud, long sigh and lifted the injury to her mouth.

"You should know better than to do that." She would recognize that slightly chiding voice anywhere. Hadn't she heard enough of it aimed at her over the years?

It wasn't like she was impossible to scare, surprise or catch of guard, she was just pragmatic enough to accept everything while it happens. So, seeing Ruka standing in her closed off lab that only she can access into, she didn't bother to scream or asked stupid questions. Instead, she sucked on her thumb and carried on with her work, ignoring the annoyance etched onto his face.

"I don't have time to deal with your tantrums, Nogi."

Ruka winced at her choice of words. _Guess I deserved that._

"I can see that." _So, this is what she's been doing?_ He eyed his surroundings, observing the mountain of new inventions. _I should've known that she would bury herself in work._ A question niggled at the edges of his mind.

"Imai, why is it that everything you make are shaped like animals?"

The creaking sounds of iron against iron tore into the silence. "I like animals. They don't judge you."

Ruka stopped observing her work and sneaked a look at the girl, suspecting a dig but she was currently busy trying to wrap a band-aid on her thumb. He dropped beside her and pulled on her hand. "Here, let me."

He felt her flinty eyes on him but ignored it. "Is this your roundabout way of apologizing, Nogi?"

Ruka bit his tongue. "Hell no."

"Good. For a minute there I thought you're going to get all sappy on me."

Maybe he pulled on the band-aid a little tighter than necessary but could you blame him? _What is it about her that rubs me the wrong way?_ "There."

She merely gave him a bland look before grabbing a hammer and started to pound on the lump of machine in front of them. He shook his head as his temper warred with his guilt and decided that he might as well grit his teeth and suck it up.

"Look, I didn't mean what I said back there."

THUNK!

Was it just him or did her pounding sound…cynical somehow? Or maybe it was just the sound of his conscious, snorting at him with disbelief.

"Okay, I did. But it wasn't…I was angry and I just didn't understand.."

THUNK!

"..maybe I was out of line.."

THUNK! THUNK!

"..all right. I _was_ out of line.."

THUNK!

"..can you _stop_ that..?"

THUNK!!!

Frustrated in the way only she could make him, Ruka swiped at the hammer in her hands. "Damn it, Imai. Stop that and listen, will you?"

Hotaru gave him a look that did nothing to calm his nerves, but damnmit, he was willing to scrape his pride, the least she could do is hear him out.

"With Natsume, I expected it." He combed his fingers through his rumpled hair. "I accepted it because I've known it for some time that his power would someday go out of control and take him along. I've readied myself as much as I can that someday I would lose him and as much as that scares me, I expect it. I_ know_ it."

Hotaru watched as Ruka's pretty face darkened, his blue eyes glinted with emotion; his breath, trembled through his lips as he sought to find the words. She wondered absently why he felt the need to.

"With Mikan I didn't." He shook his head, his blond locks glowed silver in them dark. "It wasn't supposed to be _her_…She wasn't supposed to... She shouldn't have…"

"There are a lot of things she shouldn't have done. Did you ever know her to regret it?"

"No. I know she did what she felt she needed to do. I just wanted to explain why I was so hard on you."

"Nothing I can't handle."

Ruka's soft blue eyes met her cool ones and he saw the shadows under her eyes, the tired look in them and his heart twisted knowing that he caused some of that while a small part of him thought it was interesting that he could.

He offered a smile when she shot him a familiar calculating look. "How are you? Really?"

Her usual cutting remark was at the tip of her tongue, he knew, but something made her hesitated and relented. Maybe it was because of a twisted sense of companionship or maybe it was because of their shared losses. Maybe it was because even though how different their personalities are, they also have their similarities.

Or so Ruka hoped.

He didn't think he could take it if she dragged him into one of her hare-brained schemes.

"I'm…dealing." She picked up a cloth and started to polish the giraffe's head. "How is Hyuuga?"

"He's still unconscious." He watched the circular movement of her hand on the gleaming surface. The pressure in his chest finally forced him to blurt out the words he'd been holding back. "Is it wrong for me to be relieved that I don't have to deal with him now?"

Her short answer made his lips twitch. "You're not a hypocrite."

"What are you going to tell him?"

He followed his instincts and for the first time since that night, he looked to someone else for confirmation. "The truth?"

When she nodded, he felt himself settled, more at rest than he was before, finally finding some sense of balance. A smile curved on his face at her next question.

"How did you get in by the way?"

"You should update your cat robot. My mice ran circles around it."

He could all but feel her annoyance and it made him feel considerably better.

"Mind if I borrow your mice?"

"They're not playthings, Imai."

"Cheapskate."

"Sadist."

"Give me back my hammer."

He handed it over but held on to it when she pulled. "When was the last time you slept?"

The look on her face was almost a sneer worthy of Natsume. "Playing nursemaid, Nogi?"

"I'm serious, Imai. You look..un-Imai like. It will destroy our morale if you go around looking like that."

"Like what?"

"Defeated."

Her hand stuttered but carried on its current task, pulling the hammer from his hold. He felt bad and damn if she didn't have the right to, but it needed to be said just as things needed to be done.

"Go look into a mirror, Nogi."

"Bet I look better than you."

She shot him a glance, a look of pure affronted vanity that he lifted an eyebrow, surprised at this hidden side of her.

He sighed when she kept pulling on the hammer. "Look at it this way, Imai. The worse.." He coughed when his voice cracked, rubbed a hand on his chest to ease the pain that clawed at his heart. "..is not yet over, we need our strengths to deal with what's going to come as soon as Natsume wakes up and I don't think he'll be…much help. We need to help each other out. We need to keep a strong front."

"Why should I?"

He stared. "What?"

"Mikan is no longer here. Why should I help you?"

It was so easy, so easy to misunderstand, so easy to take her words at face value. To write her off as a hopeless case and stomp away, mad. Fortunately or unfortunately, he knew her too well, at least well enough to know that she didn't mean to offend. It was just a simple question and luckily, a question that he had the answer to.

He followed her gaze and watched the way pale fingers of light touched the overwhelming shadows.

"Because," he said. "We're all that you have left of her."

He let that sink in, let her mull it over in her head, let her decide how to take it, let her read between the lines.

_You still have us. We're your friends, too. _

He busied himself with inflating her cocoon-like bed. "There. Go to sleep."

"What if I don't want to?"

He deliberately dropped her hammer into her tool box and closed it with a sharp click than stood before it, his hands crossed on his chest in a universal gesture of intractability. "Seeing as you're smarter and more logical than most females and is not prone to hysterical episodes, you probably already deduced that you'll be of no use if keep going on this way so, " he waved to the cocoon bed. "Sleep."

When she merely eyed the cocoon in distaste, he quirked an eyebrow. "Or am I wrong? I'm hoping I'm wrong so I can manhandle and stuff you in it. Both of us know that in your current condition, you can't possibly fight me."

When she stayed quiet, he sighed and crouched to eye level. "Imai, let's just get along for once and admit to each other that both of us are tired and are in no condition to battle it out. All right?"

Knowing that she would keep sitting there until she falls flat on her face, unconscious if he kept watch, he turned his back and made himself gather her tools and put it in its rightful place. God knows he spent enough time doing it, induced by the prospect of blackmail, that he could practically do it in his sleep.

He closed the various drawers and boxes when he was done and finally turned…and saw that Hotaru was already sound asleep inside the bug cocoon.

"Stubborn female." He complained to no one in particular. He sat and leaned on the outer body of the cocoon, finding it soft and warm. Already comfortable, he half heartedly gave the command to set the lab on sleep, not really expecting the order to be followed since the lab was only voice printed with Hotaru's so he was surprised when the hum of machines softened, various lights dimmed and the blare of the air conditioner turned into whispers.

"Huh." He peered at the ceiling from his position. "That's new."

He straightened his long legs along the floor and rolled his head on the cocoon. _I really should go back to my room_, he scowled as a suspicion crossed his mind. He knew that faking it was not beneath her. _I should stay for a while and make sure she stays in there._

He covered a yawn and rolled his shoulder. _Yeah, there's no harm in staying a while._

Blanketed by darkness and pale glowing lights, he closed his eyes and drifted into slumber.


	14. Drifting

Chapter Fourteenth: Drifting

------

Larger than life is your fiction

In universe made out of one

You have been drifting for so long

I know you don't want to come down

But somewhere below you, there ar people who love you

And they're ready for you to come home

Please, come home

Drifting by Sarah mclachlan

--------

It was dark and familiar.

He'd been here before.

He was empty and hollow.

He had felt like this before.

He was eleven.

They were eleven.

And he was alone. Again.

He was always alone.

He was meant to be alone

It was the only way.

He was eleven again and the Gods were merciless and without pity.

He fell for it. Fell for Persona's meddling and threats.

He was afraid, not for himself, but for others. For her.

So he pushed them away and stayed away.

He was alone in the dark.

Where he was supposed to be.

Where he was meant to be.

--------

_"Hey, listen to me when I'm talking to you!" _

Why won't she go away?_ Natsume gritted his teeth and kept walking_

_"What is wrong with you? If I did something wrong why don't you just tell me?"_

Why does she even care?

_"Everything about you..."_

_"What?"_

_"I hate everything about you."_

There_, he thought_, _the words slipped from his lips like satin_._ Lying came so naturally to him now, he didn't even need to take a moment to think about what he should say. He knew her enough to pick out the words that he was sure to get a rise out of her. _

_"Well, I hate you just as much!"_

Figured she'd said that, so predictable._ He ignored the slight twinge inside his chest, subdued it with reason the way he did so any times before but as he walked away, Natsume wondered why it didn't seem to be enough anymore._

_-----------------------_

_ "Natsume, what's wrong?"_

_He shifted his eyes towards his best friend, made sure his eyes were unpredictable and cold. He knew he succeeded when Ruka flinched and stared._

_"Natsume."_

_He eyed the hand that grabbed his arm, _this is the hand that had always been there for me. The hand that grounded me all this time.

_He pulled his hand away and met Ruka's blue eyes that shimmered with hurt and disbelief. Seeing those eyes he felt something inside him die a little._

_"Go away."_

He'll be okay, he has his friends now. He'll be fine. _At least that's what he hoped as he walked away from the boy that was more brother than friend._

---------------------

_Big surprised amber eyes met his red cynical ones across the dark._

_"Natsume-kun, is that you?"_

_He shifted his feet to hide more in the shadows that draped over the forest but he cursed and leaned more heavily on a tree, the kick he received on the chest was making it hard to breathe. "Natsume-kun, are you okay?"_

_He pushed and moved pass her only to stumble again and she huffed indignantly, huffed like they haven't been avoiding each other for the last month. _

_"Don't be stubborn, here, let me help you."_

_"No."_

_"You can barely stand."_

_"I said, no."_

_"God, what is _wrong_ with you?" _

_Natsume let out a stream of curses when she clamped on his arm and pulled that hand over her shoulders, dragging him along with her through the line of trees. "Will you stop moving around? You're not exactly lightweight, you know."_

_He was in pain, disgruntled and irritated. He was also fighting a sudden urge to pout and he never pout, but she was treating him like an errant child._

_"Let go."_

_She glared at him that did nothing but made his scowl deeper when she suddenly let go of his arm, crossed her arms and watched him stagger. "What are you trying to prove?"_

_He felt inexplicably angry and he tried to walk past her before he did something rash but she persisted and kept up with his steps. "What is up with you?"_

_He avoided her eyes but she slapped at his shoulder, pushing at him, not letting him walk away this time without an explanation._

_Something inside him snarled when she planted her feet in front of him, daring him to go through her. "You owe us an explanation." _

_"I don't owe you anything."_

_Her eyes narrowed. "How about Ruka? Do you know how worried he is?"_

_He sneered at them mention of his best friend's name. He noticed how close they've gotten, one can't see one without the other trailing behind. It was one of those things that mysteriously annoyed him. "I'm sure with your help he'll get over it."_

_"What does _that_ mean?"_

_He shrugged and the second time she made a move to keep him in place he caught it and squeezed, disgusted when he found himself enjoying the flash of pain in her eyes but at that moment, he hated those eyes that always saw too much. In that second, he simply hated her with a purity that was astounding._

_He pulled on her arm until their faces were only inches apart. "_Don't_ push me. You won't like what you see."_

_He pushed roughly and started to walk away._

_"I don't like what I see now."_

_Those words echoed through out his mind the rest of them way._

_He hated her most of all because hurting her, hurt him more than anything else ever did._

_--------------- _

_Something was wrong. The mission was a success like all his missions before but he knew with certainty that something was wrong. _

He_ was wrong._

_A wave of dizziness hit him and he curled in the dark. _

_He sensed her before he saw her and he didn't bother to lift his head from his folded hands. _

_"Don't come here."_

_It told him something that when she spoke her voice was quiet and serious. Maybe she was finally taking the hint or maybe she was finally getting tired of not getting any answers. "Are you okay?"_

_Without looking, he knew that she held back and did not move any closer. He wondered whether she smelt the smoke…or the scent of blood. He caught himself moving away and felt his chest burned with anger. _It's always like this, every time she was near everything he tried so hard to suppressed, resurfaced in full force.

_When she moved closer, he growled low in his throat. "Go away." _

_"I just want to know if you're hurt, that's all."_

_"I said go away."_

_He felt movement and the burning in his chest multiplied by a thousand, he could feel sweat dribbling down his back. _

_"Was it that bad?" _

_The soft sound of her voice, the worry in them stroked his anger gently, stifling it with guilt but he didn't want it to go away. He wanted to stay angry because if he didn't he would feel too much and that was just something he couldn't handle, not right now. Not when she was staring at him with those eyes._

_She had no right, no right at all to make him feel bad. To feel guilty. To feel anything except emptiness. _

_She had no right!_

_"Natsume-"_

_He was fast and precise, his movement executed with an odd grace. With a speed that was staggering he had her beneath him, his blood crusted hand on her throat. _

_Crimson latched on amber in desperate confusion, his breath ragged on her face._

_It would be so easy, so easy to tighten his fingers on her slim, white throat and make her disappear. Make these feeling disappear. She didn't even struggle._

_His fevered mind fixed on that thought._

She's not struggling.

_He saw prickles of fear and the remnants of shock in her wide eyes and the sense of victory was bitter on his tongue. "Afraid?" He rasped._

_"Yes." Her voice may tremble but the fingers that curl around his wrist were steady…and so were those eyes. _

_"Of me?" He breathed, fluttering his bangs, the edges of it brushing her face._

_"Yes."_

Honest to a fault_. It shouldn't annoy him. _

_"Of you." Her fingers on his wrist tightened. "For you."_

_The expression in her eyes made his throat clamped shut that the order came out as a breath and it quivered in the dark. "Shut up." _

_"Can't you see what it's doing to you?"_

_"Shut _up_."_

_He could do it. He did it before, didn't he? Just hours ago, he'd look into their eyes and took the life away from it. Just like that. He didn't even hesitate, didn't even pause. He didn't even think._

_He could do it. He only needed to squeeze and he didn't have to feel this way anymore. He didn't have to look into her eyes every single day and…feel._

_She was not supposed to have the ability to make him feel._

_In front of his eyes, her eyes started to haze, her face blurred. The only thing that was clear to him, were his hands on her neck._

_There was blood under his fingernails._

_He fell away from her as fast as he reached for her, he crawled on his hands and knees and retched. His throat was painfully dry and his stomach empty so nothing came out but still he heaved as his insides rioted trying to rid itself of everything. His fingers dug into the ground and clenched the earth while his body shook and trembled._

_When he was done he stayed on his hands and knees, breathing hard, sweat dripping off his face. He felt horribly cold so it was a shock when warm arms curved around him. "Whatever it is, I'm here. We're here."_

_And suddenly, blissful numbness was a swarm of the inevitable. Suffocating him. Drowning him with sensations._

_He ran. _

_And ran._

_Away from her arms, away from her eyes. _

_Away from her._

_He ran into the comforting dark._

_Where he belong._

_---------------_

Pain.

Why is there so much pain?

Did he faint again? Where was he?

_Images swam across his eyes and he felt suspended in motion. _

_Weightless. _

_Free._

What is that sound? Where is that coming from?

Tired…so tired…just want to sleep…

"_YOU IDIOT!! What are you trying to do, baka?"_

_He felt something hit his cheek. It stung. _

_A face appeared before him. "I know you."_

It was hard to breathe. Hot.

_He heard a snort. "Do you? We've only been partnered for a year now."_

Partner?

_He squint his aching eyes and focused on the face._

_He felt something wet hit his face. "Is it raining?"_

_He saw sad amber eyes. _Why is she so sad?

"_Does it hurt?"_

"_It always hurts."_

_He felt something wet on his face again. _Not rain. Tears?

"_Always?"_

"_Always."_

_------------------------------_

_It was burning like rage, burning like anger._

_His bed, his carpet, his sofa's, TV, everything. There were banging on his door and it reverberated like thunder._

_Everything was burning. Everything but her._

_His fire simply faded away where it touched her as she once again stood before him."Stop it! Stop this!"_

_His fire started to crawl up the wall and voices were yelling, lost in the roar of his power."Afraid?"_

_He knew she remembered the last time he asked that but he didn't expect the tears that filled her eyes. "Stop it! You're only hurting yourself."_

_Fiery arms heightened and spread wider, covering everything in their reach but it danced above everything, ruthlessly checked from actually burning, by her power. But it vibrated, pulsed like a living thing, just waiting for a chance to strike. Counting the hours until it can be let out._

"_I can't."_

"_Yes, you can."_

_He wheezed out a breath, his knees giving out from underneath him. "No, I meant I _can't_."_

_She was in front of him. "I'll help you. You don't have to do it alone."_

_Desperate crimson stared into pleading amber. "Why would you want to?"_

_Her lips opened, closed and opened again in an impish smile. "Because."_

_She wrapped her arms around him and he felt something unfurled and pressed against their bodies. He closed against the blinding light, the force of their conjoined powers blasted the windows and the door open. The last thing he remembered seeing was the awe on familiar faces on seeing his fire, rippling and disintegrating, rolling and swirling like glowing snakes in the air in a fantastic show of lights and fire. Soft and gentle like water, soothing like the glow of fireflies._

_He also remembered thinking, as his head dropped on the curve of her narrow shoulder, how beautiful it was and that maybe, just maybe, there is something more to his power than he knew. Maybe he could find another use for it other than to destroy. _

_Maybe, he thought as his eyes focused on her face, maybe._

_When there is darkness there is light._

_He woke up the next day at the sounds of humming and the scent of oranges. The light of morning was blinding._

_His whole body ached when he searched the source of the humming and he found it on the shape of a skinny, pony tailed girl._

_The hospital room was cascaded in sunlight that bounced off them white walls but today, he didn't mind. He watched the play of light on her face, on the strands of her air and felt everything inside him settled. Felt his slightly eschewed world balanced once again. And when she turned and saw him awake, her smile took care of the rest._

_He felt a little flutter of anxiousness when she turned away to the door but it disappeared when she came in again, followed by a troop of smiling faces._

_The hour passed with the sounds of bickering, conversations and laughter. There were the bittersweet smell of chocolate, the fresh fragrance of oranges and flowers. _

_When night filled the room with pale silver shadows, it was filled with silent whispers, stifled snorts and the not so subtle sound of snoring._

_The sounds and scents of home. _

_And when he turned his head, she was there, sleeping soundly on the extra bed that she cajoled a nurse to bring._

_Watching her breathe, a prayer surfaced in the midst of uncertainty. _

_--------------------------------------_

Yuu took off his glasses to rub his tired eyes. He closed the book he was reading and stood to stretch and almost jumped a mile when he saw that Natsume's ruby red eyes were open.


	15. The Delusions We Encourage

**Into You, I Go**

Chapter Fifteen : The Delusions We Encourage

-------------------------

I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Yeah, stumble until you crawl.

Sinking into sweet uncertainty.

If you're listening.

Are you listening?

Sing it back.

I'm still running away.

I won't play your hide and seek game.

I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

What a dizzy dance.

This sweetness will not be concerned with me.

No the sweetness will not be concerned with.

Sweetness by Jimmy Eat World

------------------------

Yuu fidgeted with his glasses and peeked at his friends. They all look tired and anxious and considering what they were going to talk about, he didn't blame them. But from all them maybe it was Koko who got the short straw, being a mind reader he probably got a liberal dose of everyone's thoughts and he didn't need to be a mind reader to know that isn't pretty. He looked burned out and unKoko-like which is probably why he got a dispensation from the teachers and they let him have a mind reading limiter. Even now he huddled inside of Sumire's shadow in one of the corners of the room.

The only highlight…well one of the two highlights of the day is that Ruka and Hotaru seemed to have made up and Natsume is finally awake. But, of course….judging by how still Natsume was standing with his back towards them and the inevitable topic of their soon to be conversation, he knew that it's still too early to celebrate.

Yuu wiped the beads of nervous sweat on his top lip with the back of his hand. The silence was grating on his nerves which was already pulled thin by his lack of sleep and …everything that had happen. Everything happened so fast and he didn't have enough time to think it out and take it all in, he could literally feel his brain cramping with everything that were forcefully packed into it and it bothered him how…quiet Natsume was after he woke up.

How Natsume can look so intimidating in his pajamas is a mystery to Yuu.

The situation was ridiculous and far from normal but they were Alices, they were never normal in the first place.

He'd accepted that fact that unlike average children, Alices spend their whole lives away from their family and he'd also accepted the fact that despite what others said, they would be bound to the Academy for the rest of their lives. They would be constantly called upon whenever their services were needed and they would be expected to come running.

He earned his special position in the academy by the sweat of his brows, ensuring the welfare of his family. He studied things from cooking to self defense to advance chemistry to world politics as what was expected of him. He saw and experienced things that no sixteen year old should have and he admitted that it jaded him somewhat, chiseled away his deteriorating innocence. He'd been law abiding (mostly), obedient (at least before he found a loophole), and kept his faith that yes, some parts of the academy does have their good interests in mind.

But nothing, not a single thing of what he'd learn or saw or did or believed in could ever prepare him for this, or readied him for the conversation to come.

Finally, after a lot of eye flicks and endless fidgeting, Ruka braved the quiet. "Natsume-" Ruka paused, hesitation visible on his face and Yuu understood his agony. What do you say? What can you say?

Are you okay?

Are you alright?

How are you feeling?

How do you do?

It all sounded crazy in his head and equally trite.

"How are you?"

Natsume didn't give any signs that he heard Ruka, he still stood as quiet and as unmoving as before. For an insane moment, Ruka suspected that this was one of Hotaru's cruel jokes and that Natsume isn't Natsume at all but one of her robots or a hologram. Surely no one can stand so still for so long?

"Natsume?"

Natsume merely looked at whatever he was looking outside of the window. They were doing a lot of that, looking outside windows. Yuu wondered whether there was a psychological significance to that. He should look it up later.

To say who was more surprised when Natsume finally spoke up was difficult as all of them jolted at his raspy voice.

"I'm alive."

Yuu didn't know what to think or say to that so he merely nodded in fast and jerky movements and was chagrined when the others did the same thing, well, except Hotaru who stood unflinching at the door.

"How long?"

Ruka shifted his weight from one leg to another. "Five days."

Natsume's bandaged hands that hung to his sides twitched and Ruka wet his lips nervously then blinked, confused by Natsume's next question.

"Did I miss… it?"

"Miss what?" He asked automatically and immediately regretted it. From the rising tension he felt rolling off of Natsume, he knew that he won't like the question.

Those hands twitched again and Ruka felt his stomach plummeted to the ground when Natsume's broad shoulders that were blocking half the window shifted slightly.

"Did I miss the funeral?"

Yuu could feel the air around them vibrated like butterfly wings at the sounds of those words that passed Natsume's lips in a strange, hurried whisper.

He saw Ruka shifted back as if something pushed him back, his face pale. Even then, even at the sob that escaped Anna and Konoko's hurried steps as she guided Anna out of the room, Yuu would have never interfered if not for the raw, naked pain that was carved upon Ruka's face. So, like the responsible one that he was, he lifted a hand to sign at Ruka and took control. He took a moment to gather courage and find the words. "Natsume-san, we only managed to find you. Everything else was-"

Destroyed?

Annihilated?

Wiped out from the face of the planet?

Yuu still got nightmares over the destruction of that part of the forest, he doubted that anything will grow there ever again if not because of the effects of Natsume's power then because of the memories that will remain to haunt it.

"-not there."

It was like the air simply quieted and grew even heavier at Natsume's sharp intake of breath and their eyes stung when he laid one trembling hand against the window frame and another to cover his eyes as if he could block out the news and the impossibly searing pain that came with it.

Wounds that had not yet heal started to bleed again, adorned with new cuts, oozing out fresh pain.

His evident pain and grief feeding theirs and it pulsed in the air, suffocating them.

Koko was the first to leave as he pivoted and hurriedly led the way, Yuu suspected his limiter was not doing a good job as he looked like he was punched in the stomach, Sumire guiding him to the door. Ruka who stood frozen in his spot finally moved when Natsume's shoulders hunched forward, worried, but a voice held him back. A voice that he'd come to hate all his young life.

"Now, now. Why the long faces?"

Yuu and Ruka's head snapped towards the door and met the last person they wanted to see. Persona stood languidly at the door frame. At ease, subtly amused and strangely curious.

Yuu could actually feel Ruka bristled at them man's surprising yet calculated appearance and held on to his friends arm, just in case because although Ruka is mostly mild in nature and amiable to a fault, he is also terribly loyal and impulsive. Yuu shifted his eyes towards Natsume and saw that Natsume had return to his earlier pose with his back ramrod straight, broad shoulders blocking the window, hands on his side.

Still as stone, silent as a shadow.

Yuu suppressed a shudder, he never got used to this side of Natsume. He watched as Persona gracefully straightened while his eyes still stayed on nobody but Natsume. "So, the prodigal son returns." His lipstick smeared lips twisted in a mocking yet pleased smile. "Really Natsume, I thought it was the end for you but undoubtedly you have the devil's own luck."

Purple long nails fluttered in the air in a careless wave. "Of course you had help, but that it self is an accomplishment if you think about it. Who would've thought that the girl would be so useful?"

Yuu strained his lungs as he held his breath, just waiting for either Ruka or Natsume to do something but both of them barely flinched. Something that almost looked like disappointment flickered on Persona's asked face as he shrugged.

"Oh, well. It's a pain to train a new protégé anyway. I guess you will have to do. The doctors say they will discharge you in a few more days, I expect you'll be training extensively if you want to return to your usual strength."

"You've got to be kidding me."

Since Yuu was pretty much thinking of the same thing, he merely goggled along with Ruka instead of admonishing the boy.

"He nearly died and now you want to send him off again on a mission?"

"Yes."

"When-"

"Ruka."

The stern command stopped the venom that was threatening to spill from Ruka's lips but his anger crackled and filled the air.

"Give me a week."

Ruka turned sharply towards Natsume. "What the hell, Natsume?"

"Fine." Persona aimed a smile that was unappreciated by those who saw it. "See you in a week."

Nobody watched him go because they were busy watching Natsume, Yuu only realized that Hotaru was still in them room with the when he saw her exit from the corner of his eyes.

"Natsume-"

"Leave me."

Persona's visit seemed to sapped Natsume's energy, his back was bowed again. His shoulders hunch, even his voice that was so commanding earlier was now as wispy as a sigh. Yuu saw that Ruka was fighting with himself but when Natsume once again covered his eyes, Ruka's face fell into helpless lines. Grieving for the friend that was lost and for the one that returned.

This time, no comfort can be found. This time, they can't toss a casual _c'est la vie_ and shrugged their shoulders. This time they can't ease their hearts with saying that it was for the best. This time all they can do is face the facts, swallow the pain and curse the world and everything in it.

They knew better. They know exactly how the world works.

But, as they closed the door, although they didn't say it out loud they couldn't help but think it as they saw the image of Natsume's crumbling composure.

_It's not fair._


	16. Scenes from Yesterday

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter Sixteenth: Scenes From Yesterday**

**------------**

So what would you think of me now?

So lucky? So strong? So proud?

I never said thank you for that

Now I'll never have a chance

On sleepless roads the sleepless go

May angels lead you in.

If you are with me tonight

I'll sing to you just one more time

A song for a heart so big

That God wouldn't let it live

Hear You me by Jimmy Eat World

-----------------

Four days had passed when both Ruka and Yuu were shown exactly just how unfair the world could be. They made their way from lunch and found the normally good natured and amiable Anna hissing, spitting and clawing at an upperclassman one year ahead of them. They were even more surprise to see Konoko glaring menacingly at another upperclassman who was holding a big box of…something.

"Give that back! That's not yours! You have _no_ right to take it away!"

"We're not going to steal it. Besides, it's not like she's going to use any of it."

"What's the meaning of this?" Yuu's gentle but no less commanding voice rang in the now silent hallway. "Kira-sempai , Ura-sempai. Please, let go of my friends."

Ruka eased his way beside Yuu, pulled Anna and gestured for Konoko to stand beside him, it always surprises him when Yuu exercised his status muscle since he usually uses it for them, not _on_ them.

"Will somebody explain to me what the problem is?"

At the question, everybody instantly looked the other way, including the on lookers. It was obvious to Yuu that nobody was willing to talk which told him that it was nothing good and he was in no mood to be patient. Luckily, Konoko had no such compunctions, without any preamble whatsoever she pointed to the box Kira was holding. "Those are Mikan's things."

Ruka who stood by without any kind of interest since he knew Yuu will handle whatever problem it was to everyone's satisfaction, turned his bright blue eyes to zoom in on the box at Mikan's name. Then slowly, his eyes followed the hands that held it to its owner, his usually bland eyes icing over as they reached the guy's face.

Yuu didn't blame Kira when he took a step back and paled because although Ruka's pretty face didn't change much, his eyes burned with hatred and rage and he understood why. He really did, because he felt the same way.

Finally.

Finally there is someone to blame, a face to hate and a body to hurt.

Finally there is something he can do to fix what was wrong and everything will be all right again.

Both of the upperclassmen seemed to read their minds…or their faces because they gently lower the box. "Look, we don't want any trouble."

"Then you shouldn't have made free with Mikan's things. How did you get in her room anyway?" Demanded a red faced Anna who was being uncharacteristically opinionated.

Ura, the older of the two took a step forward. "We have the dorm manager's approval, we weren't trying to steal her stuff, we were just going to put it on storage until her family can pick it up. There are other students who can make better use of the room and we were told to empty it."

"You can't do that." Anna whispered, her little fingers clutching onto Ruka's sleeve. "They can't do that."

Konoko looked stricken. "It's only been nine days-"

"We know and we're sorry but-"

"She has..had no family."

Ura shifted his black eyes towards Ruka whose eyes, thank God, were no longer aimed at him. Instead it was focused on a particular door two doors down from where they were standing, Sakura Mikan's room. He sighed inwardly, he felt really bad for doing this but he knew Kira, damn the guy for reeling him into this, would have ransack the room if he wasn't there to keep watch for the sole reason because he was a materialistic bastard. The fact that he would upset a few people was just a bonus. This new information about the former owner of the room made him feel even more like crap.

"If no one is going to pick this shit up you might as well toss 'em away."

"For God's sake, shut up, Kira, before somebody shuts it up for you." He glared at Kira's sullen face, taking his eyes off of him when he was sure the guy would do as he was told. "If no one is going to pick her things up maybe you and your other friends can settle things among yourselves."

"We _can_ do that." Yuu started, a mocking smile on his lips. "It's just that you caught us at a bad time. "

Kira scratched his chin, of course he knew just whose room he'd entered. He also knew each person that was standing before him, it was kind of hard not to since they've been the topic of gossip for years. Their reputation as trouble makers and rebels ensures that there was always juicy gossip developed in one corner of the academy, it didn't help that they were also the few people that was close to the notorious Kuro Neko aka Hyuuga Natsume. He also knew of the girl with big bright amber eyes and an equally bright smile, not only because she was close friends to the four most unapproachable students but also simply for being herself.

Happy, good, sweet.

Three qualities that was rare in one person especially in the academy, especially in a girl who started from a no star and climbed up to become a three star despite the many obstacles while partnered to Hyuuga Natsume.

Now, she was dead.

Hyuuga Natsume is in the hospital.

Imai Hotaru seals herself in her private lab.

Nogi Ruka walks around with rage in his eyes, just waiting to snap while her other friends looked…like they just lost their best friend.

"I'm sorry, I really am, but we still need the room."

"I'm just asking for a few more days."

"We're busy, you know. We don't have time to come back again at your convenience." Kira, tired of being ignored opened his big fat mouth but before Ura snapped out an order, someone beat him to it. The voice was definitely male and young but nevertheless, it caught their attention.

"How about at my convenience?" Pale green intelligent eyes peeked out of silver strands and although he was inches shorter than everybody else, the crowds parted and eyed him warily. "Or aniki's?"

Breathes were held at the arrival of the nine year old and his mention of the word 'aniki' since only one person deserved that title by Yoichi's standards.

"You seemed to have forgotten just who Sakura Mikan's partner was. Would you like to explain to aniki when he found out that her room is occupied by somebody else without telling him first?" Yoichi tilted his head to the side as if thinking. "How would he react I wonder?"

Ura exhaled slowly, this is starting to be more difficult than what he expected. "Then when can we-."

"Aniki's schedule is hectic. Unlike other students he doesn't have the luxury of standing around, listening into other people's private conversation." The sarcasm in Yoichi's voice was sharp enough to draw blood, the on lookers disappeared so fast it was like they were teleported away. "Or hassle people who has enough on their plates like some people."

Beaten, Kira did what other immature people do when they were bested, they sulk. Ura sighed heavily at the sight of Kira's quickly disappearing back.

When he bent slightly to pick up the box, Ruka beat him to it. "I got it."

Ura watched as one by one they turned and headed towards said room. "Tobita-san, I really am sorry. She was…well, unique."

The so serious eyes stared and Ura watched as the usually steady honor student scrambled for composure, you could just feel his emotions scattering everywhere all at once and his death defying attempt to keep it all together for the sake of his friends, himself, perhaps his reputation or simply, as the usual case of Alice students, to stay sane. Wordlessly, he stayed and watched as the doors closed on their weary faces.

_Has it really been nine days already? _

Yoichi opened the window to let the cool autumn wind in and drench him with the sweet scent of jasmines that was kept on little pots at the window sill. The room still smelled like her and everything still looked untouched, he watched as Konoko and Anna opened the box and replaced everything to its usual place with a focus that was heartbreaking. Her familiar orange robe was still tossed over the foot of the bed, a shoujo comic laid on the bedside table a long with a half empty glass of water with the orange shaped clock beside it, lopsided as though it was smacked aside in a stint of bad morning temper.

It made him smile.

Half of her ribbons were dangling out of its usual cupboard, her shoes peeked out of its drawers, her favorite pair was hiding at the corner near the door. Her black cat bed slippers, a gag birthday gift that he gave her, were at its usual place at the right side of the bed.

It was as if any moment now, she'll rush out of the bathroom or from wherever she was before, muttering apologies for being late with that big goofy smile like the million times she made them wait. He expected to see her jump out of the closet, screaming like a banshee and then pout when no one was caught by surprise. She would smile that annoying smile that he secretly found endearing and embarrass him with wrapping her arms around him while he pretend to dislike it. He was too old for hugs and kisses…atleast for the sisterly kind. There were so many pictures, framed by the bedside and bookshelves, on her vanity, inserted on the mirror, hung on the wall. Proof of the six years they had spent together, it hadn't been all fun and games but…it wasn't so bad.

On the bedside table were four frames; a picture of their inner circle, a picture of both Hotaru and her, another was a picture of Natsume, herself, Ruka and Hotaru, another was an old picture of a five year old Yoichi who sat on her lap and Natsume who laid on the grass beside her with pink Sakura petals falling down like rain.

Yoichi remembered that day, his fingers were in her hair, playing with its long strands trying to fight off sleep, lulled by the soft conversation between Natsume and Mikan, about what he didn't remember but she was giggling and he remembered the annoyed but amused undertone in Natsume's voice. He remembered how it felt so comfortable and warm. He remembered thinking that this must be how it feels to have a family.

He put the picture back precisely where it was before but couldn't seem to take his eyes off of it. He took a deep breath to ease the pressure in his chest. It was hard, so hard to believe that she was no longer here, especially here, surrounded by her smell, her things. It was hard because he simply couldn't believe it.

He didn't want to believe it.

The sound of breaking glass was unnaturally loud to his ears as he whipped around, his heart in his throat.

"Stupid! What the-I broke it. I am so_ stupid_!" Anna kneeled on the ground, her hands fluttering above the broken vas, trying to pick up the pieces. Ruka kneeled in front of her. "Anna, it's okay. Leave it."

"No. I have to fix it. She loved this vas, she made it in class." Her voice was betraying her feelings as it trembled.

Yuu joined them, a folded duct tape around his fingers, ready to help. "It's okay, we'll just glue it back."

Angry, frustrated, Anna snapped."No!! You don't understand! It can't _be_ fixed. It won't be the same now. It'll never be."

When Anna simply broke down and cried anguish tears, they all knew she wasn't crying over a broken vas. They all knew that she was right.

It will never be the same now. Nothing will ever be the same again.


	17. Of What Was

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter Seventeenth: Of What Was**

---------

Come to me in dreams so I can give;

Breath for breath, pulse for pulse

Christina Rosetti

--------------

Tonight of all nights, Natsume found himself grateful for Persona.

It was enough to make him sick but nonetheless, he felt it.

Skin slick with sweat, muscles weary and aching, limbs trembling with the kata he forced on himself for the thousandth time, Natsume pinpoint his concentration on perfecting his movements and tried to focus on his breathing rather than the burning in his lungs, the stinging pain in his arms and hands that let him know that he had reopen some wounds.

His doctors will give him hell for that.

But he ignored the pain like he ignored everything else that he didn't want to acknowledge.

Like the building pressure in his chest that threaten to do what the pain, the weariness, the stress couldn't do; bring him down.

And although he knew it was a losing battle, he finished the last session and started another. It was just his nature to fight, but it was getting harder and harder to do so.

He shifted his feet and even as more than half of his concentration was on himself, he still noticed the third person that sat on the branches of a tree not so far from where he was standing; watching, studying. He felt the eyes of the first and the second observing him, ever so watchful. His senses were always well defined, but they always grew even more so after a particularly hard ordeal.

Cheating death can do that to you.

He could smell the aftershave on the one that stood in the shadows to his right and taste the fear on the other. The third however was better concealed, better at hiding his or her presence but Natsume knew they were there, and knew the reason why they were there.

He knew he was being watched, the academy wanted to know if he was stable, they wanted to make sure he still knew who was boss. After all, what good is a weapon if it can not be controlled?

They needed to know whether they still had his allegiance.

The problem was, they never had his allegiance in the first place.

Anger swept through him; hot and unrelenting as his hands jerked when he felt one of his watchers shifted his or her feet. Ignore them, focus on the task at hand, he told himself, they are nothing.

Nothing else mattered.

This is all that mattered.

Nothing else.

Like the hollowness that drums inside him like a heartbeat or the nightmares that stay with him when he's awake. The soft, whispered voices that he long to hear but wish he didn't instead, or the memories that chased him like shadows that fanned out in the darkness at the very promise of light.

His lungs constricted and the pressure in his chest tighten around his heart.

The night around him seemed to breathe, the wind danced around leaves and grass, twirling, fumbling like an errant child. Sighing heavily like a cast off lover.

His senses working overtime, he was aware of every shift of wind, every flicker of movement, every sound, it would be a rush if it only ended at that. But it didn't, instead, somehow, tonight made everything more vivid, sharper in contrast, including the churning emotions that spun out of control inside of him.

Insane rage, severe guilt, crippling grief, all the emotions that he managed to block out ever since he found himself awake at the hospital, ambushed him, the time that passed didn't soften it, but made it more intense.

The events of that night flash before his eyes and played over in his mind with startling clarity.

The feel of her arms around his neck.

Her voice.

Even now, Natsume can see her; her eyes, drenched with tears that dried as soon as it leaked through the corner of her big amber eyes that shone with gentle acceptance, her touch that was fierce with possessiveness and the desire to protect.

"I'm sorry."

He had looked into those tearful eyes and cursed her for being who she was.

What she was.

But she smiled, smiled as the curtain of his flame covered them, once and for all. Her smile was the last thing he saw when everything went black.

His stomach turn as his mind bombarded him with images of that smile aimed at him through the years.

How that smile stayed constant even as his feelings for it continue to change.

How ironic, how fitting, how poetic, that it was his Alice that ended everything, that took away the very thing, the very thing that had always kept it back all these years.

Natsume would give anything, anything to live, do anything, but that was because he knew she'll be there, but now…

Ruka was still here, his other friends was still here and they tried so hard to pull him back, to keep things as normal as possible but a big piece that made them such a close knitted group was missing and the lost can never be recovered.

They all felt it.

Worse, being together, made the stark reality even glaring.

It was as if there was a big gaping wound in their hearts that will never close.

And it hurt.

It hurt so much that Natsume just wanted to yank the pain out that pulse so strong that sometimes he felt everything inside him was in pain.

A rebel in nature, it disgusted him that he couldn't make himself fight it, but the pain was too huge, too blinding, weakening that he handled it in the only way he knew.

He trained with intensity and a focus that bordered on obsession.

Push himself over his limit with ruthless calculation.

Coming back to the dorms only when he was past the breaking point so he can slide into blissful unconsciousness.

Focusing on only getting stronger, faster, fiercer, secretly wishing that maybe, maybe he would someday burn out.

That's how it was suppose to happen anyway…, Natsume's breath grew ragged and he pressed his bloody hands on his face, uncaring if he smeared it on his face or anywhere else.

Uncaring of his wounds that throbbed and ached with every breath because it was nothing compared to the constant pain inside him.

_Damn you, Mikan. _He cursed her, even as he would offer anything to have her back. _Damn you._


	18. Conclusions At the End of the Day

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter Eighteenth: Conclusions At the End of the Day**

**--------------------------------5**

Natsume held on to his temper when once again he heard the sound of the door opening. Why did he bother locking it anyway? People still find ways to get in. His friends had been in and out of his room for the last few hours, trying to get him to see 'reason', that what he's doing is 'crazy', he was still injured, not back to his strength, Nonoko even went so far to make him sit through a lecture about immune systems and body fatigue. Ruka even came twice, which is why he was sure this was his bestfriend, trying to stop him for the last time.

Fat chance.

He said he was going and he will.

He needed to get out of the academy, even if it was for a mission.

Secretly, he was just spoiling for a fight.

When he sensed eyes on his back, he put on his jacket and fixed his tie. "Ruka, for the last time, I'm going."

"Maybe they are right, if you've mistaken me for Ruka then there must be something wrong."

The hand on his tie froze when he met cool violet eyes, reflected in the mirror he was standing in front in. "Well, didn't know you care, Imai. What do you want?"

"Other than to see if you're alright?"

Cynical sneers were exchanged.

Hotaru took her place on the sofa, eyeing her surroundings before she fixed her eyes on him. "I'm here to remind you."

"Remind me about what?"

"Why you're still here. That you owe me. Big."

Wild, hurt, stretched thin, was Hotaru's image of Natsume when he turned towards her in a harsh gesture of animosity. "I owe you shit."

"Then there is another reason why you can't even meet my eyes other than guilt?"

"Fuck you, Imai."

"Always succinct."

It was an effort, but Natsume managed to meet her eyes. "Just tell me what you want and get out of here."

"If it wasn't because of you, she would still be here."

_Kami, she gets straight to the point, doesn't she?_

Bitterness spewed from inside him like poison. "If you held on to her, she _would_ still be here."

Hotaru went still, like a figure captured in a fraction of a second before she shrugged. "True enough. We're both to blame then."

Natsume digested the statement and let out a bitter laugh. "Don't tell me you're worried that I'd become suicidal, Imai?"

"No." she answered, as calm as you please. "But the others do."

"They'll get over it."

"Hyuuga."

Natsume gritted his teeth and stopped within inches of his escape. "What now?"

"When you come back we have to discuss the other problem. Do you agree?"

Natsume looked over his shoulder and met her eyes before jumping out of the window, all the while shaking his head. _Trust Imai to notice._

He leaped over a branch and ducked his head, his senses telescoped and his mind in the game and in the mission. The woods seemed to opened up to him, melted away to a blur of green and brown as he twisted, turned, jumped and ran along the tree branches of the Northern Forest, that welcomed him like a long lost friend. He'd barely traveled a minute when he noticed them, two on his left, three on his right.

"You're early."

"You're on time."

He didn't bother to look at the guy. He knew who it was under the lion mask, his usual second in command, Leo.

Leo shrugged. "Thought you would be anxious to get back to work." They leaped together over a long twisted branch and effortlessly landed on another one. "Has Persona briefed you?"

"No."

"It's a pick up."

Natsume frowned. "Why are we on it?"

"Daddy pulled a few strings, it's a son of friend of the Prime Minister." The scoff came loud and clear through the mask. "Like that's going to matter when he gets to the Academy. If he expects special treatment when he's in, he's in for a big surprise."

"It still matters outside."

"Big deal."

Natsume slanted his eyes through the slit of his Kuroneko mask. "Tell me, since this is merely a pick up job, why are you here?"

"I'm not gonna let you catch me in a lie. I'm much too smart for that."

"So, you're here to baby-sit me, huh?" He flicked his chin to the others that followed them. "Are they your helpers?"

"Aw, hell, now I'm insulted. While I'm here in case you snap and go insane, they're new recruits, here to learn from the master."

"Meaning you."

Natsume could almost see the cocky grin on seventeen year old's face. "Is there any other?"

Natsume snorted. "Well, then you better watch for that tree limb, master."

Leo blinked. "What tree li-oh, SHIT!"

Natsume watched Leo did a black flip only minutes before he rammed his neck onto a tree limb covered by thick leaves and sneered. "Are you alright, _master_?" He asked from his crouch on higher branch, looking down on Leo who landed below him, whereas the recruits also stopped not far from them.

"Oh, shove it. You did that on purpose."

"You should have paid attention." He voice lowered and made sure his mask was firm in place. "We're here."

Leo shrugged as a shiver ran through his back as he watched his leader's transformation from boy to the weapon. The air that surrounded him, stilled as he blended with shadows and became the darkness. His posture was relax but poised, ready to spring into action. His feet balanced on the branch as if it was home. The red glint of his eyes didn't waver from the stretch of road that led to the Academy main gates but Leo knew that Natsume noticed everything happening around them, and as though to prove it, Natsume reproof a recruit that had slacked off way, way behind him.

"Just because this is a pick up job, doesn't mean you can lower your guard. Be vigilant and extra careful. We are worth a lot of money in the real world and these people wouldn't care how they deliver us. Even if you're dead, you're still worth something."

"Geez, Natsume, easy on the truths there. Don't scare them so soon."

"Better sooner or later. The three of you are here to observe. Don't even move a muscle. If something happens to us-"

"Unlikely-"

"Go back to the academy. Don't try to be a hero."

Leo watched as the three of them froze under Natsume's sharp stare.

"Tell me that you understand."

"We understand."

Leo shook his head, a little more of Natsume's stare they'll piss in their pants. He didn't blame them, with his notorious reputation along with the new rumors flying around, it was stranger if they weren't scared shitless.

The details on the night were made secret, but Leo knew enough that Natsume shouldn't even be here.

Trust Persona to be such a bastard.

He knew Natsume tolerated him, he could say less about other people in their ability class but they weren't particularly close. Oh, Natsume gave him certain liberties that he didn't give to other people but he was his second in command and they've gone through several life and death situations.

But they weren't friends.

They were brothers in arm, sure, and that bond is strong, it needed to be for them to survive the endless missions that throw them into all sorts of trouble.

He knew about Sakura Mikan's death, a person with as notorious a reputation to rival Natsume's without any fault of her own. There seemed to be a mystery surrounding her, then there was her rare nullification Alice and add up to that she was Natsume Hyuuga's partner, it was impossible not to pay attention to her.

And because Leo paid attention, he knew what her death meant to Natsume.

That's why he asked to be in on the mission.

"Are you sure you're up to this? You've just gone out of the hospital like, what? Two days ago?"

"I could be strap into a hospital bed and still be better than you."

"Fuck you."

"Just watch your six."

"I always do."

"Here they come."

Leo flinched at the heat that rolled off from where Natsume was crouching, as patient and deadly as a panther.

"Slow or fast?"

"Oh, I want it slow."

"Then reign in your Alice or we'll make quick work of this."

Leo wiped the sweat from his neck when the heat was suddenly cut off, sensing his leader's impatience, he felt the ripple of excitement course through him. It was a beautiful night to pick a fight. Of course to him, everyday is day worth picking a fight on.

"Well," He smiled under his lion mask when he sensed the enemy. "It's time to party."

He shrugged when Natsume frowned at the earphones that he plugged into his ear, ignoring his disapproval. The car with their package passed beneath them pursued by a black unmarked van and four guards in motorcycle. They barely landed on the ground, blocking the black van before the ear deafening electric guitar riff of AC/DC filled his ears.

And the dust from their feet barely settled when their opponents let loose a stream of bullets.

-----------------------------

Ruka petted the brownish owl that settled on his forearm before letting it loose through an open window and watched it fly into the darkness. "He's out of the Academy."

"He said he would, didn't he?" Monchu hid his nervousness with munching on a pecan chocolate chip cookie.

The silence that covered them was broken by Anna's trembling sigh. "I'm scared."

Yuu, reached over to put a hand over her shoulder. "It's gonna be okay. He'll come back."

"Will he?" Koko asked, his face still pale and sad, when eyes focused on him he shook his head. "I'm sorry but, I know what he's feeling and...it's bad."

Ruka closed the window to block the chill, he was cold enough as it is. "He'll come back."

"You don't know that." Koko retorted. The gathering emotion around him, thoughts and hopes and wishes made him edgy.

"What are you guys worrying about. This is Natsume, of course he'll be alright." Sumire added, a shrill note in her voice.

Nonoko hugged herself, keeping an eye on the view outside. "He'll be back."

"He will be back." Hotaru's clear voice released them from the tension they were all feeling. "He won't leave you guys."

"How do you know?" Challenged Koko.

Hotaru didn't take offense and took her time to pick a cookie from the table. "Because, he knows exactly how much his life is worth."

They stared at Hotaru who merely sat and poured herself a cup of tea and strange though it was, felt comforted.


	19. Overflow

Into You, I Go

Chapter Nineteen: Overflow

A/N: People, will you please stop asking me about what's going to happen next, I mean come on! ANyway, much angst ahead , I didn't feel as if I've tortured Natsume enough. But next chapter will continue with the story...if you can, while reading this story, listen to eastmountainsouth's So Are You to Me, the story sort of wrote itself while I was listening to that song...

---------

"That was fun." Leo took off his mask and grinned at the new recruits who also had their masks off. Their faces pale and clammy. "Or not."

Both Leo and Natsume made short work of the fight and they've managed to reach the southern forest in one piece. "Oh, well, we'll have to report back to…" Leo drifted off when one of the new recruits raised his hand to get his attention. "What?"

"Hyuuga-san parted ways with us."

Leo blinked and searched the area around them and true enough, their leader was nowhere to be found. "Huh. Slippery bastard."

"Should we go search for him?"

Leo scratched his copper colored hair, his eyes towards the dorms, imagining his warm, soft, bed. "No need. If we need him I know where he is. Let him take it with Persona later."

Ushering the newbies, he gave a last look towards the dorms before he hurried over to the dangerous ability grounds.

Natsume gripped the window frame with white bloodless fingers. His uniform drenched with sweat and decorated with the bit of blood from his various nicks and cuts. Nothing serious.

He never intended to come there, but before he even knew it, he was already halfway there.

When he realized where he was, he spent fifteen minutes looking up at the window trying to find what he'd always saw before.

A soothing, flickering glow, guiding him home.

But all he found was darkness.

He shouldn't be here. He should turn away and go back to his dorm.

But again, he climbed the enormous old tree the way he'd always done so many times before.

Which brought him to his current predicament.

In a fast and abrupt movement, he opened the window and breathed in.

Orange blossoms.

Lavender.

Something equally sweet and fresh filled his senses as he slowly stepped in.

He should feel something.

He knew that at the very least. Expected that as he stepped further into her room, as he saw the things she surrounded herself with, the things she'd collected through all the years she was here, proof that she once did live.

That she wasn't only a dream that his subconscious cooked up in order for him to survive this place.

There was that hideous pumpkin coffee table that she insisted on.

Dangling from a half open drawer was multi colored bows and hair ribbons that she used daily.

Pictures in colorful frames, reminders of their days together. Happy days, important days, further proof that she did exist.

He should feel something, shouldn't he?

For days he'd agonized over coming into this room but now…

He felt nothing.

There was just…nothing.

The room looked the same, everything was in the same place from the last time he was here, except for the robe that was carelessly draped over the foot of the bed.

Orange satin, with loud, flamboyant pink flowers.

He reached out to touch it and found it warm to the touch, as if it just came off her body. It even still smelled like her, of the perfume bath gels and fragrant oils she often bathed in.

He'd given it to her on her fifteenth birthday.

His remembered how he had lain there on the bed with her, warm and content. At peace that at least for a few stolen hours, he wouldn't have to worry about anything.

A flash of red caught his eyes and he saw the art piece above her bed, the red ruby butterfly made out of glass, the one that was the same shade as his eyes.

It was the first time someone thought the strange color of his eyes were beautiful.

He blinked when a shaft of light bounced off the red butterfly and came out of his daze to realize that his hands were clenched upon the orange robe, crushing it to his chest.

It was then, as if he'd just awaken from a dream that something opened inside of him. He struggled to breathe against the tightness in his chest, but he was fighting a losing battle as memories bombarded his mind. Everywhere he looked, added another one, glimpses of the past.

Pictures, reminding him of what he'd lost.

Scents, sounds that triggered feelings that he knew he'll never feel again.

His eyes struggled to find something, something to hold onto, something to stop the ache that clawed at his insides but there was nothing.

He froze when the bathroom door slowly opened and for a crazy half second, he'd expected her to come out and yellat him for coming into her room without her permission.

For a crazy half second, he hoped.

For a crazy half second, his world expanded.

Only to be destroyed back again.

_I can't breathe._

Natsume's fingers trembled with the sheer impossibility of reining in his emotions. They tangled in her robe, releasing a fresh waft of scent that strangled him.

Not any of Persona's training, not any of the wounds, the trials, the pain that he'd experienced through all the years had ever made him feel this way.

_I can't breathe._

It was just impossible. There was no way someone could live through this. There was no way _he_ could live through this.

It was too much.

_I can't breathe_

All at once, out of nowhere, everything that he'd been holding back rushed out of him like a raging storm, and unlike the occasional rare events where this happened before, the one thing he'd always held on to was gone.

The ripping pain, the ache that settled deep, deep inside of him roared awake and tried to claw through him and he could do nothing, nothing but let it.

Nothing but feel.

He didn't know when he'd dropped to his knees, didn't remember when he brought her robe to his face, to stifle the sound of gut wrenching grief that was ripped out of him.

Tears, mercilessly hot, wet his palms, the fingers that were fisted inside her robe.

Outside, the sun started to streak the dark sky with light.

It was a start of a brand new day, filled with soft spoken promises.

But inside, it was still the darkest of nights.

And the room was filled with shadows, the tick of seconds and the ragged whispers of a mangled name, voiced out of despair.

_I can't breathe._


	20. Realization of the Hardest Kind

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter Twenty: Realizations of the Hardest Kind**

**A/N: Dum dum dum dum….****suspense music**

**----------------**

Natsume rolled his eyes, still undecided between amused or pissed off.

"This isn't going to be a habit, is it?"

Violet eyes stared back at him, her face as bland as ever. "We've decided to mooch off of you for dinner."

He shrugged into a blue T-shirt and dragged fingers through his hair, he should have known really, after they saw him in class this morning, they've been following him like puppies with hawk-like stares.

"Figures, where are they?"

"They'll be here eventually, but first things first, how about we discuss that thing that we planned to discuss over a game of chess?"

Crimson flickered towards violet. "Anything wrong with your usual opponent?"

"I got bored of winning too easily."

Natsume stifled a smile. Ruka was always hopeless in chess.

He lifted his eyes to Hotaru's poker face over the chess pieces after a few minutes of silence where they'd slaughter each other. "So, are you going to start talking anytime soon or are we just going to play to the death?"

"Patients, Hyuuga. I'm thinking." She moved her rook to take out his knight. "Check."

He tsked, it's been like this since they've started playing, every action countered and reencountered, every attack blocked and reblocked. Atleast in strategy, they were equals though their approach differed. He moved his remaining knight. "Check."

Hotaru blinked slowly, the only sign that showed she was as irritated as he was, which made him feel better. "What's the point really?"

Natsume waited for Hotaru to define the question, when she didn't, he sighed. "The point of what?"

"This. Chess."

"You're the one who wanted to play." Natsume bit down the second sigh when she merely looked at him with those silent eyes. "It's a play on game theory; strategy, planned attacks and retreats, educated guesses and even imagination; all the requirements to stimulate the mind. It teaches us to think ahead, anticipate, to separate ourselves from the pieces and think impassively. A good game to practice leadership."

A slender pale finger tapped at her side of the coffee table they were playing on. "It also shows the player's character, doesn't it? Whether you are careless or cautious. We play the pieces but we depend upon them to plan our next move. It begs the question, doesn't it?"

The little smile that appeared on her delicate face did nothing to assuage Natsume's rising anxiety, as always, she wanted to tell him something, but only enough to toss crumbs at him and not the whole piece. But he also knew, if she felt the inclination to actually tell something to someone, it meant that she'd reach a dead end and that it was important. "Do we play the pieces or do the pieces play us? What do you think, Hyuuga?"

"Stop insinuating and just tell me what you got."

She flicked her eyes to the slim watch on her wrist. "I'd rather wait for the others. I have a feeling we'll need a joint effort on this one." Her eyes lifted to his. "Checkmate."

He quickly spread his gaze over the game and found that he was neatly trapped.

_Bitch._

_------ _

Hotaru's unique colored eyes spread over the pack like it did over her chess pieces; calculating but not unkind. "So? Do any of you notice?"

The pack stared at Hotaru and Natsume then exchanged glances and shrugs. As always Yuu was the first to acknowledge a problem. "Well, it's kind of hard not to, really."

"Yeah." Ruka nodded. "Talk about out of character.

"We've asked around." Anna passed around her basket of cream puffs, fresh out of the oven. Nonoko frowned, "But it's either no one knows anything or they're not talking."

Monchu shuffled a hot cream puff from hand to hand. "He's also not showing to any of his classes."

It was Natsume's turn to stare, _so much for keeping it quiet._

Koko turned towards Natsume, a grin on his lips. "We've been discreet."

Natsume shrugged. "Anything else you've found out?"

Koko slumped over the sofa and jerked his head towards Sumire who sat on the sofa's arm on his left. "We found out he's been spending a lot of time in the restricted section of the hospital.

"More like he's being kept there." Sumire took the glass of ice tea from Koko's hand.

Sumire smiled prettily when Natsume aimed a bland stare at the both of them. "Do I want to know how you got this information?"

Both of them just smiled innocently as the other chuckled which just goes to show that they've been spending way too much time with Hotaru.

"Restricted section, huh?"

Sumire nodded. "But that's not the most interesting part."

Koko leaned forward. "The room that he's in, is guarded." He nodded when Natsume's eyes sharpen. "By dangerous abilities. Notice anyone missing, Natsume?"

"It's not like we're chummy with each other. Other than when we train and have missions, we try not to get in each other's way."

"You wouldn't anyway." Sumire ignored the half hearted slap to her wrist when she pinched Koko's cream puff. "They change shifts over three or four hours so that no one will notice they're missing."

"I've tried peeking through the windows." Ruka explained his contribution to the investigation, "but the windows are always close. I can try to put one of my animals into the room but they'll know it's me."

Kitsuneme who's been hovering over their heads finally joined the conversation. "We don't know yet if he's the detainee or if he's accompanying someone."

Yuu wiped his glasses on a white pristine handkerchief. "None of the students seems to be missing either." He tucked the handkerchief neatly into his pocket, a line appeared between his brows. "We've seen Persona going in and out of the room. Maybe it's a new recruit for dangerous ability?"

"I haven't heard anything about it, besides if it is, why would Narumi be the one watching over them?"

Hotaru who remained quiet since the beginning suddenly shifted and produced something from her panda bag pac when something inside it growl..

"Well, we'll know soon enough."

Ruka's blue eyes narrowed. "Imai, what did you do?"

A cool gleam appeared in Hotaru's violet eyes and Ruka lifted a hand. "Nevermind. I don't want to know."

She adjusted the feed on the portable monitor that was shaped like a butterfly. They covered their eyes when a loud shriek came out of the speakers but Hotaru, cool as you please, only fiddled with the buttons and before long, the monitor cleared up.

Eyes shifted to Hotaru who stared straight ahead when they deduced that she probably stuck a bug to one of the guards, a dangerous ability no less, without them knowing. They wondered on how she got close enough to do that but the possibilities were so vast that they quickly gave up.

Natsume gave a sound of displeasure when a familiar mask showed on screen.

"You know him?" Yuu asked.

"Yeah."

"Then can't you ask him for a favor?" He asked again.

"And with that he meant can't you just threaten to throw him out of a window or something?" Asked Sumire.

"Unlikely. He hates my guts as much as he's afraid of me. He'll probably jump out of the window before I get to do it just to spite me."

The pack stared but it was Yuu who verbalize their thoughts. "When we just thought we've figured you out, Natsume-san."

Natsume merely smiled.

Hotaru's pleased sound brought their attentions back to the monitor that was now hooked to Natsume's wide flatscreen. Relieved sighs filled the room when a door opened and Narumi sensei's pretty face appeared on the screen.

"He looks tired." Anna commented with a sad little girl voice that made Yuu and Koko patted her back and the top of her head.

Their faces almost glued to the screen, their eyes squinted to the furthest corner of the room where a bed was surrounded with machines.

"Who is that?"

"Look left, you idiot. LEFT!"

Natsume let a small smile appeared on his face at the way most of them threw insults that put into questions their sleeper spy's intelligence, paternity and looks, not the mention the way they tilted their bodies as though trying to influence the movements of said spy.

Though curious, seeing Narumi's face already put his mind at east, from his point of view, they already got their answer.

He let his mind drift and was satisfied with listening to their busy chatter or the loud explosion of Hotaru's baka gun when somebody was getting too rough with her merchandise. But no matter how safe and tired he was feeling, his senses weren't so dulled that he didn't realize it when the pack suddenly went quiet. Protective instincts alerted, he went ramrod straight on his chair. "What is it?"

One by one they turned towards him, clearing a spot to look at the flat screen. It was hard to see who was paler than the other.

"What?"

Ruka's bright blue eyes were opaque with violent emotions. He lifted a trembling finger to the screen where honey blond hair spread over white sheets, and as Natsume slowly stood and stared, a face so endeared, so loved, turned towards them with a sigh as soft and sweet as her sleeping expression.

Ruka's breath hitched. "It's Sakura."

A/N: Come on! There's no way in hell I let her die just like that!!!!


	21. Resolution

**INTO YOU, I GO**

**Chapter Twenty First: Resolution.**

**A/N: This one will be short because it actually serves as a prologue to the next one...which will be a song fic...haven't done that one in a while.**

**------------------**

Natsume didn't know what to think.

He was lucky if he _could_ think.

His chest ached, but he realized that it was because he stopped breathing.

When he finally took a deep hard breath, ever so slightly. every sensation returned to a body that was cold and numb.

His throat closed, his heartbeat drummed in his chest and roared in his ears.

His wounds started to tingled and throbbed, his muscles reminded him of the forceful way he used them these last few days.

Every time he breathed, he could actually feel his blood rushing forth under his vibrating skin.

Finally, with every breath, he felt alive again.

His eyes didn't waver from her gentle sleeping face, afraid, afraid if that little doubting voice inside him was true. His suspicious self concluded that surely there was someone behind this, surely there was a reason why they said she was dead.

It hit him like a fist to his stomach.

_Who said she was dead?_

There was no official notice.

The academy didn't actually say she was dead.

There was no body, so everybody just assumed she was dead because in all reality nobody can possibly survive that kind of explosion of power.

_Except someone who has a nullification Alice._

The sole pupose of her alice was to protect herself first and formeost. after all.

Why? Why didn't he realize it?

Because he was afraid, that's why.

Afraid to hope, to believe.

She was the one who always hoped, who believed.

She was the strong one while he was the one who took strength from her belief.

Ruka shifted his eyes away from the naked raw emotion on Natsume's face, but was careful to keep him in view, just in case...well, there are too many things that can happen. It was hard enough for him to look at Mikan's face even as his eyes drew comfort from it, his heart torn apart with joy that she was alive, that they'll be together again.

But he was afraid, as the others were, to say or even breathe to hard, afraid to break the hush that blanketed the room, that clung to their skin.

But he jerked sharply when the picture tilted and wavered from Mikan's face.

"No."

"No."

It was hard who said it first or distinguish one voice from another but the last one, spoken in a hard uncompromising tone was unmistakable.

Ruka and the others spun slowly in their seats and saw...an empty space where Natsume used to be.

A different kind of dread silence filled his absence, broken by the ever succinct and blunt Koko.

"Fuck."


	22. To Get To You

**INTO YOU, I GO**

**Chapter Twenty Second: To Get To You**

**A/N: Blast on YellowCard's ONLY ONE...I changed my mind and not make it a song fic...but I still make the song a soundtrack to this chapter.  
**

**-------------**

A small branch whipped across his face that left a cut on his cheek, the blood unheeded.

Natsume was deaf to the shouts of his name; pleading, begging him to stop, to think.

But he was beyond reason, beyond logic.

Knowing that all this time she was there all along, without him, was another tear deep in his heart.

He'd given up on her, and that would forever burn inside him.

There's been moments, moments in his life where darkness ruled him, it was quiet, contained and lonely but somehow, that darkness helped him in the hardest times in his life.

It was comforting even.

He made peace with the darkness inside him long ago, but that was because he finally learn that there were people that waited for him in the light who accepted the darkness within.

But this kind of darkness was a whole different creature.

It is not calm, not comforting and it is definitely not still.

It raged inside him a like caged beast, it rattled its cage, snapped its jaw against its restraint, fought to be let loose.

It was not cold, it was hot, he could feel it oozed from his pores that his skin vibrated with its power, boiled his blood, stirred the air around him with his alice.

The desire to hurt, to maim, to kill ran rampant inside him fueled by a hurt, by an ache that was unbelievingly huge and overwhelming.

He leaped further, faster, passing through the thick branches like they offer as much resistance as the air around him and flew into an open window, rolled as he hit the ground and without losing a beat, blurred towards the restriction section. He ignored the people that ogled him, even the security who let him pass, but he knew he was tagged and he only have a matter of minutes to form a plan.

But he couldn't _think_.

All that mattered right now, all that existed in Natsume's mind was the image of her face.

_Mikan._

He passed a corner and knew immediately that he was in the right place.

Dangerous abilities riddled the hallways like black spots on the white halls.

_Had she ask for them? For him?_

_Did she wonder whether he was okay?_

_Did she wonder why he wasn't there to see her, be with her?_

_Did she wish he was there? _

The first to block his way ended up as a very ugly, very big, very unnecessary decoration on the cracked wall.

Bodies crashed, flew left and right, dropped to the floor like flies as Natsume made his way further into the hallways.

Ribs cracked, bones broke, nobody was spared. The harder they came, the faster they fall.

He didn't hold back, he didn't hesitate, he merely let instinct take over and reacted.

And it raged like an animal abused, howling for sanctuary.

_Mikan. _

He released the one he was choking when he felt the back of his neck prickled in warning and turned fast enough to block the hit, countered with a fire infused punch that burned and cracked his attackers red, gold mask.

Looking out of the pieces that dropped to their feet was a face that was all too familiar.

Natsume's dark rage was so intense that his red eyes seemed to glow with it. "You knew? You fucking knew?"

Leo gritted his teeth when Natsume slammed him to the wall, hard.

Natsume's hands on his neck.

"I didn't. If I did I would have told you. That's why they didn't bring me in until they know you know."

Natsume's crimson eyes emptied when Leo still found the strength to block his way. "Think about what you're doing, Natsume. This won't do you any good or her for that matter."

Natsume's reaction for that well meaning advice was to use Leo as a battering ram against a huge, heavy, door that blasted open.

He kicked Leo's limp body away from the doorway, stepped inside and locked the door.

His senses instantly searched for her presence but he stopped when he caught his reflection on a window; clothes mussed, blood drenched, eyes wild. His steps slowed and shut his eyes to calm the storm within. He swallowed painfully, wet his sudden dry lips at the sight of honey blond tressed, clenched his hands when he felt them shook uncontrollably.

Call it adrenalin, call it expectation, call it whatever.

His dry and spit lip, the result of a lucky, haphazard sucker punch, cracked into a cautious smile as her face came into view, peaceful with sleep. His ruined hands reached over to find comfort but the sight of it; torn and bloodied over her softness stopped their motion. Instead, it hover over her fingers as it tried to search for warmth, yearned to touch skin but was afraid.

_Mikan._

He circled the bed for her charts but didn't find it.

His left hand whispered over her face, to brush gently at a strand of hair. A sound of dismay escaped his lips when a smear of blood stained her cheek.

Quickly, Natsume grabbed at the tissue box at her bedside and with a gentleness and intensity that was heartbreaking, wiped it carefully away.

His hands froze when Mikan's eyelids flutter.

'Mikan?"

The name flowed from his tongue like the most fragile of silk.

He waited for her to open her amber eyes and see himself in them because that was the only way he could ever see and like himself; through her eyes.

He waited for her to call his name.

But in between minutes that was filled with longing, what he actually heard chilled his blood.

A subtle click that was all too familiar.

He could've dodged it with ease as his instincts screamed at him to do, but love made him stood in a position to protect Mikan even as he swiveled on the balls of his feet to face the intruder.

Natsume grunted in pain as the bullet sank home in his chest.

..._Mikan._

_-----------_

_A/N: Snickers and runs away, howling with evil laughter _


	23. The Waiting Game

**Into You I Go**

**Chapter Twenty Thireen: The Waiting Game**

--

He was in hell.

Surely that was the only reason why he still ached in places he shouldn't be when he was already dead.

He felt as if there was an elephant dancing the tango on his chest.

"Fuck."

The pained groan echoed in his ears, the extent of agony in and along his limbs made him conclude that he was in fact alive and not dead. The fact that there wasn't a hole on his chest where the bullet hit him reinforced the conclusion.

His head was pounding, his knuckles felt raw, his eyes were throbbing and felt like they were going to explode…

A small part of him wished he was dead just so the pain would stop, while most of him wondered why he wasn't.

He tried to open his eyes slowly, and even that small movement of his eyelids was an effort. Not that it gave him any information whatsoever on where he was anyway, but at the very least, he knew he could move them.

At first, he thought that he was blind and panic clutched at his throat.

All he could see was darkness.

He sincerely hoped that he wasn't in a coffin and buried in the middle of somewhere.

The nasty suspicion disappeared with a few quick sniffs. He smelled dust, sweat, and blood, but the air was fresh enough. His senses came back to him one by one, and with them, he detected that he was in fact not underground and certainly not in a coffin.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, considering the situation, he'd been inside the room often enough to know exactly where he was.

He was in what the dangerous abilities dubbed with affection as "The Black Box".

Persona's favorite isolation room.

He'd spent hours, days in fact, doing nothing inside the box, but breathing and waiting.

The name referred to the walls, ceiling, and floor that were painted black; soundproofed and windowless, the square small room resembled a box. Any kind of light was instantly leeched off by the dark.

It gave the perfect impersonation of a black hole.

It was like being so blind and deaf to the world that you didn't know whether it was day or night, or how long you'd been there.

Natsume had no problem with silence and solitude, but even he had trouble dealing with the Black Box.

Even in this age of modern technology, isolation and deprivation were still the best methods on making soldiers break.

And when you're a dangerous ability, your mind was the last thing you wanted to be alone with.

It was usually the waiting that got on Natsume's nerves; the time it took from one beating to another, for Persona to love to catch him off guard with a few beatings now and again.

When you were subjected with this punishment, the sight and sound of an open door did not mean freedom.

Sometimes, he would leave the door open just to see what you'd do. If you tried to escape, you'd get punished. If you didn't, you'd get punished anyway.

Persona had no need of soldiers who broke at the smallest of things and were unwilling to fight back.

Natsume tried to lift his arms and found them heavy, not just because of his aching muscles, but because they were weighted down by steel limiters on each of his wrists. He gritted his teeth and raised his upper body, straining and cussing as he did so. He struggled against his screaming bruised body, breathing hard as he stretched, testing his body for broken and fractured bones.

And while he reacquainted himself with his body, his mind focused on the one thing that made all of this worth it.

Mikan was alive.

And there was no way in hell that he wouldn't get out of here, ready and able, because to his way of thinking, a lot of people had a lot of explaining to do. His feverish mind concocted a line of questions and a list of people to ask them to.

First on that list was Narumi and why the freakin' hell that stupid cross-dresser shot him.

Narumi wiped his nose with a dainty white handkerchief as a sudden bout of sneezing came and went. A sudden chill passed by him; a vague suspicion entered his mind and he rubbed a hand over his tired face.

"He is gonna be pissed."

Narumi sighed over his inevitable fate of having his ass handed to him by one of his students, but shrugged his worries away while he walked toward his other student's bedside...to find her awake, sitting up with a slightly confused look on her face. Her amber eyes spread over the room as if in search of something, something that should've been there, but wasn't.

"Natsume?"


	24. Killing Thoughts

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter 24****th****: Killing Thoughts**

_Falling in the black _

_Slipping through the cracks _

_Falling to the depths, can I ever go back? _

_Dreaming of the way it used to be _

_Can you hear me?_

_Falling in the black _

_Slipping through the cracks _

_Falling to the depths, can I ever go back? _

_Falling inside the black _

_Falling inside falling inside the black _

_Falling into the Black by Skillet_

_She's alive._

Natsume closed his eyes against the perpetual dark, as if that could somehow dispel the tantalizing thought of shades within shadows. His lips moved in the still, eerie silence, his words, a talisman against the gathering storm of malice that boiled inside, induced by his surroundings and the cutting betrayal of his mind.

_She's alive._

His hands trembled with restraint by the sheer, wrenching agony of his realization while he held onto his knees, pressing them tightly against his chest—an unconscious habit that he'd broken years ago—trying to find something to hold against the sensation of weightlessness, against numbness, against the paralytic horror that was waiting at the deepest, farthest corners of his mind.

Waiting for a weakness to exploit.

Patient and sly.

Waiting to twist everything he once held dear until all that were left were shambles. Broken reflections of reality.

_She's alive._

Hours ago, the realization had joy surging inside his veins; heating his blood, animating the black, puckered, crumpled _thing_ he called a heart.

But now…

The Box was doing its job; it perverted something that was so _absolute_ into oddments of inconsequential things; trivial things such as trust, happy endings...

Love.

_She's_ _alive._

Now, instead of overwhelming joy, it brought upon horrifying dread that froze the machinations of his heart.

A strangled breath escaped Natsume's dry and chapped lips.

How could he have forgotten?

How did the truth of what was be distorted by something as flawed and fallible as perspective?

How could he have forgotten how she ended up in this insane situation?

It was because of _him_; his arrogance, his thoughtlessness, his recklessness.

Natsume winced as his memory provided him with the subtleties of that night; the details glaring, blinding against his darkened thoughts.

Spiteful questions throbbed in his mind like a malignant tumor.

_Did she scream?_

_Did she burn?_

He remembered the force that had imploded inside him, outside him, remembered the scorching heat, the roar of his fire that had enveloped them like a vengeful wave, secured in its power to destroy anything in its path with such malicious intent.

He could deny it all he wanted until the world ended, but such…evil was a part of him.

And that part of him had not only touched Mikan, it had hurt her.

_He_ had hurt her.

He was _always_ hurting her.

_She'll never forgive me._

Not this time. Not ever.

How could she?

He couldn't forgive himself.

_Will she be terrified of me now?_

_Will she shy away when I'm close?_

_Will she even _look_ at me?_

And if she can't, will he be able to stand it?

"_No_."

The word was ripped out from his chest; it left a gaping wound of hollowed caverns in its wake that echoed with the wispy vibrations of his voice as it strangled his throat.

He huddled closer in a corner as ice stung his insides.

He could manage it if she hated him, but he wouldn't survive if she was afraid of him, if the light in her eyes darkened as they slid away from him, or if her soft and open smile trembled at the sight of him.

If her body tightened with nerves whenever he was near.

If she hated him, she would avoid him as much as possible. It would hurt, undeniably, but he'd survive that—no, not survive—exist.

But if she feared him, Mikan being Mikan, she would still try, try to befriend him, and try to hold onto the broken strings of their relationship, even if those strings were being whipped away in a fast going tempest.

She'd be there, she'd stand her ground even if she had to die—he winced—doing it.

She'd never be the one who leaves.

The years that they've spent together would cement her feet on the ground, trapping her. Loyalty would hold her prisoner.

If she showed as much as a flicker of fear, it would be he, who would leave.

He would, he'd take the chance to atone himself.

It was the least he could do.

He owed her that at the very least.

He clenched his eyes tightly against the thought of leaving her, of existing without her.

Of how dark his world would be.

How silent, how still.

How lifeless.

He clenched his teeth against the small part of him—still governed by his emotions—that protested, screamed in denial, and raised his fist against such a decision.

The small part of him that would die a slow, bitter death without her.

But what else could he do?

He almost—he suppressed a shiver—killed her.

Natsume's breath hitched and he started to rock in slow, painful movements, losing pieces of himself to the dark.


	25. Shades within Shadows

**Into You I Go**

**Chapter 25****th****: Falli****n****g i****n****to the Black**

_When breathing's a burden we all have to bear_

_And trust is one thing we're taught never to share_

_Somehow, you just seem to shine_

_When loving means breaking and saying goodbye_

_And I can't help but wonder what it is you do_

_You help heal the pain and the thoughts of the truth_

_You're a question to the universe_

_A wonder to the world and_

_Somehow when I'm with you_

_I never get burned…_

_Wonder by Megan McCauley_

That was how Leo found him, rocking slowly in the dark; his pain as tangible, as substantial as the darkness that swirled around them.

He'd spent enough time in The Box to ignore the stench of sweat, the pungent scent of dried vomit and stale urine. But the hopelessness that rose from Natsume was harder to ignore.

It had been two weeks that Natsume was put into The Box. Honestly, before he saw _this_, he wasn't worried. Two weeks was not even close to the longest time Natsume had spent in The Box. Even then, he'd popped in and out under his own steam as if it was nothing.

He never broke.

Maybe it was about time.

After all, he was still human, no matter what the others thought.

"Looking for a little payback?"

Leo's green eyes turned speculative at the raspy, yet steady, voice. "Can you blame me? You broke two of my ribs."

"You were in my way."

The miniscule light from the open door was enough for Leo to see Natsume's face, and worry rippled through him when he saw the bleak resignation in his crimson eyes. "I brought you food."

A trickle of relief smothered the worry when he saw the suspicion. _Good. Suspicion is good._ He reached inside his uniform jacket into the secret compartment and opened the tangle of napkins where he wrapped some toast that he had grabbed from several unsuspecting people at the breakfast table.

"I didn't poison it. Sheesh," he grumbled when Natsume took a sniff, but didn't take offense.

"How long?"

"Two weeks."

"How much longer?"

"I don't know. Persona hasn't been around much."

Leo saw the look Natsume sent the open door. "You gonna try to escape?"

"Wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Actually, if you do, I'm gonna lose some serious money, so please don't."

Natsume wasn't surprised at the fact that he was betting on his sanity since his record for isolation was still unbeaten. It was just the kind of thing the dangerous ability would bet on. Leo sat on the floor with his back to the door and Natsume in front of him, just incase.

It doesn't hurt to be prudent, God knows, and his ribs were still throbbing.

Leo stifled a sneer as he watched Natsume eat his toast with delicate little bites, even though he must be ravenous; he was always envious of Natsume's self control.

It was simply baffling.

He knew Natsume's head was riddled with questions, but looking at him, you certainly wouldn't think so.

But he knew, he knew that Natsume was dying to ask something, _anything_ about _her_.

And yet, here he was, nibbling silently as if he didn't have a care in the world.

It made his brain itch.

It was the same feeling he had when he'd once saw a leopard in a zoo. It had dozed in its cage, obviously content and calm. Seeing the big, sleek cat, so contained and controlled like that made him look for a stick to poke it into action…

Guess how well that went.

Hearing Natsume's slow, even breath made his fingers itched for a similar stick.

Well, he had something better than a stick.

"She's awake."

The toast fell from Natsume's hands because they started to tremble so hard it was painful to watch, as was the twisted expression on Natsume's usually composed face.

Leo almost regretted telling him. Almost.

He watched Natsume's herculean struggle to recover his calmness, saw the agony that was smeared all over his face; unfiltered, naked, raw.

Leo winced when Natsume caught his other hand and clenched hard on it to stop the shaking. His breath was harsh and stilted through his gritted teeth.

It was a minute too long before Natsume got himself under control again. Even in the shadows, the telltales of pain were clear; it rolled off of him like waves of heat.

Leo inwardly wondered what would make someone like Natsume—or anyone—endure that kind of pain for.

Leo being Leo, he asked. "Why?"

_Why did you persist?_

_You know who you are, what you are. _

_Why did you let it go so far?_

_You, of all people, should have known how it would end_.

"Was it really worth it?"

The last question got him somewhere.

Natsume's raven head snapped up, his eyes fierce. Arrogance stamped on every line of his beautiful face, triumph squared his jaw, curved his lips into a proud, rebellious smile. His expression managed to covey—even without saying a word—that yes, it was worth it. It was worth the sacrifice, the pain, and that he didn't regret any of it.

It was—as his actions showed two weeks ago when he came at them like a wounded animal—even worth dying for.

As Leo hid the remaining evidence of the food into the folds of his jacket, he hoped, sincerely, that it wouldn't have to come to that.

"Leo."

Leo twisted his upper body to peer into the darkness.

"Thank you."

Leo was no genius, but he was smart enough, and knew Natsume well enough to know that the 'thank you' was not for the food. Even when the knowledge had shook his hands and gave him pain, Natsume would rather know than not.

Leo didn't understand that, and wasn't sure if he wanted to, so he merely nodded and closed the door.


	26. Whispers in the Dark

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter 26****th****: Whispers in the Dark**

--

"Where do you think you're going?"

Mikan paused at the mild disinterested tone and made a face. She turned to the general area of said voice and peered into the darkness. "How do you guys _do_ that?"

Leo stepped out of a shadowed corner, but didn't answer. Instead he gave a pointed glance towards the bed—where she was supposed to be—and the hand she had on the door—the one she shouldn't be remotely near to.

"I want to go to the bathroom."

Leo's stare was baleful and sarcastic. "Are we really going to do this?"

Mikan squinted her eyes in speculation, calculated her chances as she watched the pale light of the moon bounce over the hard surface of his lion mask, and then grumbled back toward her bed with Leo stalking her every step.

Leo's pale green eyes noted the sulk in her demeanor, the pout on her lips, and the fire in her eyes. Temper brought a healthy bloom to her supple cheeks.

Pretty. Sweet-looking.

But nothing special.

His brow wrinkled over his earlier musings, still not understanding the reason behind Natsume's actions. No, not only Natsume—if it was _only_ Natsume—but her other circle of friends too. He spent forty minutes alone on dodging their dogged attempts to follow him.

They were quite relentless and sneaky too.

It didn't help that their Alices were quite useful for searching people and on spying. He couldn't count the many times he had to sweep the room, himself, and other guards for bugs—both mechanical and biological—since the Natsume incident.

Leo narrowed his eyes to inspect the girl in front of him to find out what exactly it was about the girl that inspired such loyalty and—there was no other word for it—devotion.

To his eyes, she was just a normal, pretty, seemingly clueless girl.

"Where's Narumi-sensei?"

"Around."

"How long am I going to have to stay here?"

"A while."

"You're not going to elaborate on any of your answers, huh?"

"No."

"Do you always talk like this?"

"Mostly."

Leo's lips twitched at the obvious irritation that surfaced on Mikan's face, but squelched the urge to smile at her, mockingly or otherwise.

"You've seen him."

Leo blinked at the serious tone of her usually cheerful voice and met the straight gaze of her amber eyes.

"You've seen Natsume."

Leo didn't say anything, for there was nothing _to_ say. She wasn't asking; she was stating a fact.

He watched silently as those amber eyes glued to his face with such unnerving intensity.

Interested with the sudden change, he stayed still under her inquisitive gaze, trying to imagine how he'd look from her perspective, trying to figure out what she saw on his face that led her to such a conclusion.

The silence stretched on as both of them measured each other among the passing shadows and iridescent lights that danced along the windows.

At the end, her heavy sigh broke the silence. "He's in a bad shape, isn't he?"

This time, although it was a question, Leo knew she didn't really expect him to answer, so he remained mute.

"He's always so hard on himself." She scowled at her toes. "It's annoying."

She shook her head, her pigtails brushing her shoulders. "He's probably blaming himself for what happened. Baka."

Leo raised an eyebrow and she seemed to catch the movement even in the sparse light.

She huffed and crossed her hands. "It's not like he made me use my powers, did he? I did it myself._ I_ did it; he had nothing to do with it."

"Why?"

He didn't really want to enter into a conversation with her, but the question sort of…popped out of his mouth. A habit that always got him into serious trouble.

Mikan blinked, not expecting Leo to join in on her one-girl-conversation, but was only too glad to have someone to talk to. Narumi-sensei was good company sure, but he kept avoiding her questions on Natsume and her friends. It drove her crazy. Not to mention that her sudden captivity was already doing some serious harm unto her mentality.

And she was worried. They wouldn't tell her what happened to Natsume. To her friends. She knew something had happened, something big, and that Natsume was in big, big trouble.

Her uninformed and solitary state was driving her up the wall.

"Why what?"

A frown twisted Leo's face, unsure whether he should continue or not. But his curiosity and his driving need to understand got the better of him.

"Why did you do it?"

She looked taken aback. "You mean, why did I use my power?"

"Yes."

"To save Natsume."

Frustration bubbled up inside Leo at the tone of her voice, as if that was something that he should already understand. As if that was the logical thing to do. "Yes, but _why_?"

"_Why_ did I save him?"

"Why did you _want_ to save him?"

"Because," Mikan blinked her big eyes repeatedly, confused with the question that was brought upon her, "because he's my friend."

"And you'd do that for all your friends?"

"Of course."

His brow was in danger of being permanently wrinkled, but he was no way near to understanding. "I don't understand."

It was Mikan's time to be confused. "What is there to understand? He was in trouble. I had the power to help, so I did."

"Didn't you stop to think what it would do to you? Or Natsume for that matter?"

She grimaced and scratched her head. "It wasn't like I had a lot of time and," she impishly added, "I'm not generally known for…thinking ahead." She shrugged. "Something happened, I reacted. That's all."

"You almost died."

Leo watched in disbelief as she rolled her eyes at him. "So Narumi-sensei tells me. But I didn't."

"You could've died."

"Everybody dies."

"We're not talking about everybody."

"Gee, I didn't know you cared."

Leo frowned at her, his pale green eyes iced over, but she didn't even flinch, being too used to getting those stares from Natsume to be scared.

Leo didn't know why, but her casual way of talking about her death infuriated him. Doesn't she understand? Doesn't she understand the consequences of her actions?

"Didn't you think about what it would do to Natsume? To your friends?"

"Of course I did."

He waited for her explanation, but when she didn't continue, his frustration spiked yet again. "So, _why_ did you do it?"

"How could I not? Are you saying that if one of your friends is in danger of dying and you actually can do something about it, you _won't_ do anything?"

Actually, although he faced the possibility of his death often enough, Leo couldn't imagine a time where he'd actually _want_ to give up his life, but that would've ended the argument pretty short. "That depends."

"On what?"

"On the situation and whether the person I give up my life for is better than me."

Unexpectedly, she smiled; the expression on her face was triumphant, as if he had actually proved her point. "You think that Natsume is better than you?"

Her face twisted. "Oh, don't tell him that. He's already difficult to live with." Her lips curved upwards. "He's better in some ways, worse in others, but from a general point of view, I consider him worth dying for."

"He kills people."

Leo watched as her back straightened, the skin around her eyes tightened, and her mouth firmed. "For someone who works in the same area, you're one to talk."

"I'm not saying I'm not a killer. I'm just saying that he kills people."

"So? It's not like he wants to."

"What, like he's a victim of his situation or something?"

Her amber eyes pierced him where he stood. "Don't sneer. You of all people should know how bad his situation is."

"If he wanted to, he could just quit."

The bitter smile on Mikan's face somehow turned his stomach, maybe because it was a familiar smile, a familiar smile on a face that didn't suit it all. It seemed wrong on her pretty face, like it didn't belong.

She snorted. "Right. Like that's actually an option. Why don't _you_ quit? What are you staying around for? The milk and cookies?"

"You know what he does, but you still think he's worth saving?"

"Natsume is a good person."

"Who just kills people in his spare time."

It was interesting, Leo thought, how she took his words so personally, as if he had offended her instead of someone else who was not even a lover or family.

"What, no comeback?"

"Obviously you've made up your mind about Natsume."

"I would know what he would've wanted if I was in your situation, so I'm starting to wonder whether _you_ really know him."

"What are you talking about?"

_Now we're getting somewhere_, Leo thought, as he saw the slide of her eyes, as he heard the odd tone of her voice.

"You know. You know what he would've wanted."

"I don't know what-"

"You know he'd rather _die_."

Shocked silence struck the room as he watched her clench her eyes so tightly.

"No." The denial was a mere whisper.

"You knew he was ready to die; you knew that's what he would've wanted."

"No."

"Death would've been a welcomed comfort. It seems like such a simple request really. It's the only way he can escape from all the horrors he's done or will have to do again. It's not much, but you just had to take that option away and all because you have a stupid savior-"

"I love him." The passionate tone in her voice was more of a plea than a declaration. It rang with sincerity the way only the truth could. "And when you love someone you don't get to choose which part of them that you want to love. You either take all of them or nothing. I know he does bad things, but he has reasons and those reasons I can understand."

"Not enough to give him what he wanted obviously."

He saw her flinch at his words and the mocking tone in his voice, but like so many before her, guilt turned to anger. "You think I don't know that? That I didn't realize it? You think I don't know that if I had let him die, all of this would've stopped for him?"

"Do you? Because if you did, you wouldn't have saved him. You would've accepted his death and be glad that he went the way he did."

"I can't do that. I can't just let him die."

"Why not? If you loved him like you claimed, you would. But, instead you_ had_ to save him, knowing your life would be at stake, knowing how that would affect Natsume and your friends. You couldn't stand to see him die, so you jumped in to the rescue and let them watch you die instead. Why would you about care what it would do to them? You wouldn't see any of their suffering anyway, right?"

Leo didn't quite understand why he was doing this. He just knew that he was irritated, to put it mildly. The need for him to understand somehow changed to the need to make _her_ understand what she had done.

To make her understand the consequences of her recklessness.

For her to admit the foolishness of her actions.

"Do you know where Natsume is now? Do you know the sort of punishments he's getting because of you?"

Stricken, Mikan—her face made even paler in the moonlight and darkness of her room—breathed in a harsh, hard breath as if Leo had just punched her in the stomach and she was struggling to catch her breath.

But she couldn't quite say that he was wrong.

Her little hands clenched on the blankets; her eyes strained on the footboard of her bed, searching for patterns that would ease the pressure in her chest.

"_Love_, you say." Leo's voice was a whisper in the dark. "All it comes down to is _selfishness_."


	27. The Never Ending Consequences

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter 27****th****: The Never Ending Consequences**

A/N: This is kind of alike an introduction for all the madness that follows. So it's short. Don't kill me.

--

"Are you going to lecture me?" Leo slid his eyes to the blond man that stood, leaning against living room wall of Sakura Mikan's hospital suit, it was obvious that the man was listening in. He wondered why the teacher didn't stop him but gave up a minute after, it was a well known fact that Narumi sensei's agenda was never really clear.

Narumi straightened. "Hardly. I want to thank you actually."

Leo's brow tightened underneath his lion mask in suspicion and confusion. "What?"

"Well, at the very least, she'll think twice before doing anything reckless ever again. So, thank you."

Narumi snickered when Leo's pale green eyes watched him closely as if gauging his sincerity but his lighten mood slid off his face abruptly. "I didn't expect this to happen when I partnered them together."

Leo—still suspicious—didn't answer but indicated that he was listening. He watched the man—who was in an uncharacteristically black on black suit with no frills in sight—sat on a loveseat with a heavy sigh. "I expected them to be friends, that Mikan would soften Natsume's jagged edges, calmed the others."

"Putting a lamb in the stable with the young, spirited colt."

Narumi chuckled. "Something along those lines," His lavender eyes was dark and depthless in the dark as he gazed over some long forgotten memory, "But never something like this."

Narumi wiped a hand on his tired, beautiful face, suddenly feeling the weight of guilt over the extent of his manipulations and scheming.

Shouldn't he have known?

After watching how they bonded along the years, watched how they connected and circled around each other. After realizing, seeing, the depth of feelings that blossomed betweenf them.

Was it really surprising that it would come to this?

Love, at least the truest ones, the ones that endure, always have a bitter edge, seasoned by a multitude of aches that feeds on fear.

The fear of losing.

It is what makes us fight, resist, and hold on.

He really should've have anticipated this.

But even among the years they've spent with reckless abandon, he didn't expect for both Mikan and Natsume to throw away their cherished lives at the flimsiest hint of danger.

Natsume, he wasn't so surprised about, there was nothing that he wouldn't do for Mikan, which is why he carried along the tranquilizer gun, knowing full well such an incident would eventually happen.

But Mikan, although he knew the depth of her loyalty and compassion, he thought that her friends would stop her. Apparently, he underestimated _their _loyalty and selflessness.

"So, you've seen Natsume?"

Leo knew he was a teacher but dangerous abilities don't have to follow the same rules as other students so he maintained his quiet.

Oddly, it felt like he was repeating the conversation with Sakura Mikan.

Narumi sighed and aimed a frustrated look at him. "You're not going to answer me, are you?"

Leo shrugged.

The frustrated glare turned into a speculative one. "Do you think he will be very much angry with me?"

Narumi winced at the dark chuckle that rumbled out of Leo's chest. "Figures."

Lep watched Narumi looked at him with a speculation, as if he was deciding on what to tell him. "I just came back from a meeting with the upper ups of the school committee, apparently, the government heard about this, and they intend to get involved." Narumi pulled off his red tie. "They already have actually."

Leo's attention that had started to wander snapped back towards Narumi. "What?" The Alice Academy is a force of its own and has no immediate interference from the government although it also entails that they work for the government without charge on some off the books assignments which usually includes the dangerous abilities, it doesn't make any sense that they'll start to run interference now.

"They already know about Natsume, why are they bothering themselves with what happens to him now?"

"They're worried that Natsume is too dangerous for the academy," Narumi rubbed his eyes with his thumbs, "For Japan actually."

It took a moment for Leo to process the information. "What?"

They're eyes met, Leo in shock disbelief, Narumi in grim resignation. "They're thinking of bartering Natsume to another Alice Academy overseas."


	28. Plots and Plans

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter 28****th****: Plots and Plans  
**

A/N: Madness ensues. Later, after I fix my laptop. LOL.

_They're thinking of bartering Natsume to an Alice Academy overseas._

Leo gritted his teeth in vexation when Narumi's soft, troubled voice weaved through his mind like a particularly bad song, which was probably what the sneaky, girly-faced teacher intended.

_I don't need to know that, do I?_

_It's not like I can do anything with it._

_What was it with the sudden pep talk anyway?_

Leo seethed in silence, his pale green eyes deepened along with his dark mood. His steps grew larger and louder in the almost empty quad as his temper spiked.

A low and threatening growl erupted in his chest, frightening a middle-class student that just happened to walk by.

He liked secrets; he liked knowing something that no one else did. But this was no secret; this was _classified information,_ which is synonymous with _responsibility_ and there was nothing else he hated more than responsibility, because it meant that you had to do something in response to having it.

It was this violent aversion to responsibility which had kept him from making team leader, which was just fine with him.

He didn't want to be team leader.

Speaking of team leaders.

"_Ugh_."

_Overseas?_

_Why the hell do they want to send Natsume overseas anyway?_

_And bartering him? _

_What was _that_ all about?_

It's not that he minded being treated as a commodity; it was just that he couldn't see anyone that was worth bartering Natsume for. He wondered how many other dangerous abilities the academy would get by bartering Natsume.

He was their top operative and Japan's dangerous abilities were the crème de la crème of dangerous abilities, so there was no beating Natsume.

And dammit, you can say all you want about that son of a bitch, but Natsume was a good team leader.

And Narumi _knew_ that. He knew that Leo's pride as a fighter and survival instincts as a dangerous ability would never accept any new face, any snot-nosed little bitch to be his leader.

Their team—with Natsume at their head—was the best there was. They worked seamlessly and efficiently. There was no counting the successful missions that they went through, the impossible situations that they walked out of.

_And they want to replace Natsume? _

_With who? _

God?

Leo kicked a wondering trash can and ignored the way it puked its contents at his feet.

So, okay, Natsume was no God, but to Leo, he was close enough. At least—either than Persona's—his words were treated as such in the dangerous ability area and there was no denying that his were much more pleasant then Persona's.

He glared at the reflected surface of the trash can that was dancing in front of him as if taunting him and he considered beating it to a pulp before a voice stopped him.

A voice that he'd come to dread these last few weeks.

But it wasn't just the voice; it was the words that he said.

"Natsume's going to be traded overseas?"

Leo whipped his head toward Koko's shocked, but still bland-as-ever eyes.

He grimaced when the news traveled to his other friends who popped out beside him, seemingly from nowhere.

Some dangerous ability he was.

_Natsume must have taught them a thing or two_, he comforted his blemished ego. Feeling better because his ego naturally accepted Natsume as an authoritative figure, he finally scowled at the circle of Natsume's friends.

"Don't you get tired of following me?'

"No. Have you gotten tired of being followed?" Ruka's blue eyes squinted at him.

He squinted back. "No."

"They want to trade Natsume overseas?" Koko insisted, reminding the two glaring boys of a much more important issue.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Leo-san. Please. Have you news?" Yuu pleaded the older boy with his soft, gentle eyes.

But this was Leo they were talking to. They had a much better chance to beat it out of him than to beg for his understanding.

Gentleness has no place in Leo's life.

"No. Even if I do, do you really think I'll tell you?"

Even if, somehow, he felt the compunction to tell them, the open space they were in was certainly no place to talk it out.

"Just give us something—"

"Oh, _grow_ up. You think just because you ask nicely, people will just give you want you want?" He scoffed at them.

The hostility in Leo's voice was met with Ruka's heated stare. "We've grown up plenty."

_Well, that was true,_ Leo admitted, seeing the weary and tired look on their faces. "Obviously not enough."

"I've humored you these last few weeks, but no more. If I catch any of you following me, make no doubt, I don't care whose friend you are, I will hurt you and I will hurt you well. It's about time you guys learned not to poke your noses in someone else's business. Do we understand each other?"

He watched Ruka's eyes iced over. "Perfectly."

_Good. He'll need that to deal with the problems to come_. He spread his eyes, making sure his eyes were hard and lifeless, and saw the spirit in their eyes before turning his back on them, disappearing quickly into the woods.

He needed to think.

To decide.

Damn Narumi and his scheming.

Darkness spread along the horizon with dazzling speed; at least, that's how it felt for him.

_The day goes by so quickly when you're plotting destruction and mayhem._ Leo crouched low on a sturdy branch and without thinking, launched himself onto a nearby rooftop, his mind busy with other things.

He walked to the edge of the roof and stepped off.

He plunged down, a nondescript victim of gravity—the ground closing up fast below him—counting to himself.

There must be a better way to get to where he was going--something that included a door--but hell, he'll take whatever he can get.

At the count of three, his feet flashed out to kick at a nearby wall, pushing off the wall, slowing his decent enough to let him flip in the air and landed neatly and almost soundlessly onto a balcony.

He stayed in a cat-like crouch, using his senses to make sure that nobody followed him, and then crawled slowly to the balcony door.

It opened in his hand, so he stood and walked into the room, his eyes taking in the still shadows.

It didn't take long for them to move.

There was a sharp clink before a light flared fiercely, quickly chasing away the dark. The scent of wax and fire reached Leo's nostrils and he raised his eyes from the candle to meet the speculative eyes of Hotaru, Koko, Yuu, and Ruka.


	29. Plotting and Planning

Into You, I Go

**Into You, I Go**

**Chapter 29****h****: Plotting and Planning**

They eyed each other like combatants in a dragged-out-anything-goes-duel-to-the-death, waiting for the perfect moment to deliver the killer blow.

The sensation that he was being measured and searched for any kind of weakness to be taken advantage of was familiar enough for Leo to actually make him feel comfortable.

So, he stepped closer and raised a hand in greeting. "Welcome to my humble abode."

Ruka's ice blue eyes tightened. "This is Natsume's room."

Leo's rolled his eyes. "It was just a greeting, blondie. Don't get your panties in a twist. We needed a place to meet and I figured this was the best place. Neutral ground and all that."

Yuu placed a hand on Ruka's shoulder before the boy does anything rash, "Thank you for the invite, Leo-san."

Leo strolled to the kitchen, after he mulled over the contents of Natsume's refrigerator he glanced over his shoulder to Koko who grinned at him. "Having a mind reader does have its advantages."

"May we know why you suddenly have a change of heart and decide to talk with us? And what's with all the subterfuge? The 'I will hurt you and I will hurt you good' speech?"

"Had to make it look real for all the perceptive eyes that were observing." Leo munched over a chunk of chocolate and watched the probing eyes of Koko, the amiable eyes of Yuu, the resentful eyes of Ruka and the flat eyes of Hotaru Imai. "But then again why are you asking me for? You're the one with the mind reader."

Ruka glared at him, frustrated with Leo's roundabout manner. "The mind reader has a name."

Hotaru ignored Ruka and answered Leo's question. "Just to make sure that what you're saying matches with what you're actually thinking."

Leo leaned over the counter, a glass of milk in his hand and stared at Hotaru. "Are you suspecting that I'm trying to trap you or something?"

"Are you _telling_ us that you're trying to trap us or something?" Hotaru asked back; the casual, inquisitive tone in her voice and the way she tilted her head to the side as if she was just another delicate, normal girl who was just asking an unassuming question made him want to smile—in disbelief.

He finished the milk and put the empty glass on the sink before he turn to look at them, his face all business now. "Do you know what kind of situation you're in?"

Yuu waved a dismissive hand in the air. "Is there any _other_ kind of situation?"

Leo thought the question over and pursed his lips. "Touché. You guys do tend to get into trouble. A lot."

Leo's green eyes watched as the four of them shrugged at precisely the same time. "Natsume is being watched, Sakura is being watched. All of you are being watched."

He saw them exchanged glances but they didn't look even remotely surprise.

"You certain that nobody saw you guys come in here?"

"We know how to escape detection." The class president assured him.

"I guess you have to be." Leo shrugged. "I have questions for you."

"And we have questions for you. For starters Natsume is being bartered off overseas?" Ruka leaned forward from his seat beside Hotaru Imai.

"They're thinking it. Now—"

"Where is he?"

Leo narrowed his eyes at the blond boy. "That's none of your concern."

"The _hell_—"

"That's none of your concern. Natsume can take care of himself."

Now it was Hotaru that cut him off. "Mikan then."

"She's being taken care off."

"Narumi is with her."

Yuu wasn't asking a question and Leo wondered on how much they know. "I should ask where you got that information but that will be a waste of time, won't it?"

They merely stared at him with innocent eyes, he had to hand it to them—they can play the normal teenager as well as—well, a normal teenager.

"Yes, Narumi is with her. Any other question?"

The candle light was reflected back from the class president's glasses, Leo was always uncomfortable when he was unable to see the eyes of the person he was talking too. "Lots, but that will also be a waste of time, won't it?"

"Not if you plan to just nudge me along and have your mind reader pluck them from my mind." Leo sneered when Koko made a face then sunk into the sofa he was sitting. "You know very well that I can't."

A smirk broke through Leo's face as he crossed his arms across his chest. "The advantages of being a dangerous ability are that you can play with a lot of neat toys, such as something to stop a mind reader from reading our minds." He nodded to Hotaru. "Including yours Imai, you're a household name among us. You always have the most—creative of toys."

The three boys swept their eyes towards Hotaru who ignored their looks. "You said something about questions?"

Leo boosted himself up the counters. "Yes, I need information."

"What kind of information?"

"For starters, why does the academy has such a hard on for Mikan Sakura?"

He almost missed it, if he wasn't paying very close attention he probably would have. They were pretty good—unfortunately for them—he was better. He noticed the way Ruka pressed his thigh against Hotaru's—considering the situation and who they were, Leo figured it was more in warning then some subtle play on flirting—who stayed still. He also noticed the way Koko glanced at them then quickly lowered his eyes as if he read something in their minds that surprised him but didn't want to give them away. He saw that the class president knew nothing but he knew his friends enough to actually sense them tense but he maintained his composure. He didn't look at them suspiciously or accusingly, he didn't try to ask him with an expression or even show any kind of reaction to his two friends rising tension than a very slight tightening of his hands.

He probably didn't want to give the impression of any dissension among the troops which of course would be taken immediately as a weakness to exploit.

Leo realized that although Yuu and Koko knew their two friends kept a secret from them, they also knew that whatever reason they have, justified their discretion.

Trust.

That's what it was.

If he wasn't a dangerous ability, he probably wouldn't have realized the subtle workings of their group but he was, so he knew.

They _were_ hiding something.

"So?" He prodded.

"Why do you want to know?" Yuu leaned back on his sofa, posturing relaxation and control. Leo almost believed it.

"Because I want to know all the facts before jumping in any kind of foray." He answered.

"Will there _be_ any kind of foray to jump into?" Koko asked, meeting Leo's mocking eyes.

"Don't try so hard, mind reader. You'll give yourself a brain hemorrhage."

Koko sunk in even further in the sofa and sulked. But his eyes never wavered from Leo's face, as if he was waiting for cracks in his defenses to wheedle through which reminded him of his mind reader barrier deadline.

"You want to keep Natsume? I'm your greatest chance of that ever happening. So, spill."

Yuu frowned at him. "What does Mikan's situation have anything to do with Natsume's?"

Leo sighed, opened his mouth but something on Hotaru's face stopped him.

"You want to exchange whatever it is we have on Mikan for Natsume."

He shrugged. "Something like that."

For the first time since Leo saw them, the pack lost their composure. They stared at him with open mouth fascination. It was Ruka who blew up first. "Absolutely not!"

"Keep your voice down, blondie."

"You want to throw Mikan to the wolves? You're insane." Ruka stood up and paced the carpet, his movements angry and jerky. "We won't allow it."

"Think about it. What do you give someone that already has everything?"

"Something that they want." Hotaru murmured.

Ruka whirled to her. "Imai."

She aimed an annoyed glance toward Ruka. "Calm down, Nogi." Her violet eyes returned to Leo. "You know that she is not a price that we're willing to pay. Natsume himself, won't consider it."

"Well, it's not his decision to make, is it?"

Yuu's usually kind eyes sharpened. "What's in it for you, Leo-san? We have our reasons. What's yours?"

Leo considered his answer as he watched them watch him with unnerving focus. "Let's just say, things are more fun when Natsume is here."

"So, your aim is merely Natsume, correct?"

"Yes."

"You don't care about Mikan?"

"No."

The sudden smile on Yuu's face caught him off guard. "You should."

"I should what?" Asked Leo who was suddenly suspicious.

"Care about Mikan's well being."

"Why?"

The pack suddenly looked at him as if he was the village idiot and it suddenly clicked. He groaned and answered it himself. "Because Natsume does."

Love, especially that kind of love was foreign to Leo, so he sort of tuned it out of his mind. Then add his linear and one track mind, that one particular piece of the puzzle didn't have a chance to resurface.

"If you save Natsume at the expense of Mikan's, well, it won't be pretty." Ruka smirked at the older boy, finally finding something worth smiling about.

Leo rolled his eyes at all the sentimentality but reconsidered. He shook his head. "That doesn't change anything. What you have on Mikan might be information that could help."

"It might." Hotaru cautiously admitted. "Then again, it might not."

Leo stared at them while he deliberated on a strategy. Mind games weren't for him, but he knew how to get what he wanted. "I can just ask her, you know."

That information made them looked at him pretty fast. "You've seen her?"

"Sure. I'm her primary guard."

Leo almost winced at the naked look in their eyes, it reminded him of why he avoided any kind of attachments. He knew all sorts of questions were bubbling up their throats but they knew he wouldn't answer them in exchange for nothing.

_Love_, Leo reminded himself. Now that he remembered, he added it to the equation in his head. And used it.

"She was willing to sacrifice her life for Natsume. I just bet that she will agree with me."

The animosity was thick enough to punch a hole through.

"Tell me, what would she say if she knew you could've done something to help Natsume but didn't when _she_ nearly sacrificed her life?"

As if his feet gave under him, Ruka eased himself down to the sofa, a pained look on his face. "Natsume will never allow it."

Leo made a thinking sound before slipping off the counter. "Fine, I realize there's nothing else I can say to you so you'll agree with me. Good luck explaining it to her when she found out Natsume is gone."

He shrugged and casually passed them with slow, even steps. When they remained quiet, he wondered whether he went overboard and inwardly cursed himself.

"Wait."

Leo had a hand on the window frame and was ready to propel himself but he rearranged the victorious smirk on his face before turning toward them, an annoyed look on his face. "What?"

_Victory never tastes so sweet._


	30. What is Love

**Into You I Go**

**30th Chapter: What is Love? **

_Fate is an uncompromising, fickle, relentless mistress._

_And what else would she rather play with but the lives of man?_

_And what does Fate often tangle herself more often than love?_

_Love, that lies in the heart of man?_

_Man, who can be just as fickled, as relentless and as uncompromising, but has the capablity to love like no other. They love with a recklessness that rises beyond all logic, with a force more vengeful than nature, with bounds and leaps of faith that edge toward the precipice of insanity._

_Why is it so?_

What_ makes it so?_

___What is love?_

_Love is sacrifice, the act of giving, a cruel thorn that wraps around a heart and draws blood with its every beat. _

--

Natsume closed his eyes against the darkness, once again he disappeared into the deepest corners of his mind--albeit unwillingly--where thoughts of her were carved deeply into every crook and cranny. He pondered over the contineous collage of her face, her features, her shilloute that blended with her laugh, her voice and the sweetness of her scent.

His senses filled with her, he sighed in perfect contentment while his mind weaved a dream over yet another, each sweeter than the last.

--

_What is love?_

_Love is the act of ultimate sacrifice; the greatest of all surrenders, the closest state to divinity that man can ever achieve._

--

Ruka's ice blue eyes stared at Hotaru, telling her without words, what he thought of her deal with the devil. With a sharp movement, in a dance of shadows and candlelight, he turned and walked away without even looking back.

Not even once.

Brittled, he felt.

Helpless once again in the face of such unchangeable circumstances, such unbeatable odds, such unjust choices. Questions of his worth--still unanswered from the time that he was younger--came back to haunt him.

He thought he'd exorcised those thoughts long ago when in truth, all he did was hide from them.

--

_What is love?_

_Love is the most unbearable sweetness that cannot be restrain nor can it be explained or quantified by reason and logic._

_--_

Yuu watched his friend's back as he walked away, a soft sound of cloth alerted him of his other friend who also--without word--turned and walk the opposite way, not as angry but just as empty. He stood in between, torn, all his knowledge and hard earned expertise did not help nor did it comfort him now, in his time of need. Nor did it help him in finding a way to assure his friends, the way he was supposed to, the way he wanted to.

--

_What is love?_

_Love is to understand when in know and believing when there is no understanding or knowing to be had._

_--_

Koko caught the urgent whispers in his friend's minds, as clear as if they were standing right beside him, he mourned their loss innocence but took heart by the strength they had obtained from each other's presence, of how the mere presence of one eased the other. Their thoughts were in tune but kept back from synchronizing by pride, anger, hurt. He put a hand on Yuu's shoulder and squuezed when his friend shifted his eyes to him. Together, they hurried the darken hall way, to Ruka's side.

--

_What is love?_

_Love is letting go when everything inside you screams for you to hold on._

_--_

Hotaru's violet eyes focused on the three boy's back and soften even as her mind traveled over her choices and options, restless with speculation and predictions. Her feet paused along with her thoughts when the boys stopped, pivoted, and waited for her. She stared at them but before she did anything else, several hands reached out from behind her.

Soft hands, understanding hands, caring hands.

She turned to see the faces of her friends, her family, in various state of undress, waiting for her, for them and unbidden, her heart swelled and overflowed as she promised herself that all will be well.

--

_What is love?_

_Love is the intricate tangle of fate; unwavering in its conviction, subtle in its machinations, generous in its execution, unequivocal in its strength. _

--

Mikan stared into the shivering night that sprinkled with moonlight; guilt ridden.

The seconds ticked by as she agonized over her choices and found that she would do it all again in a heartbeat, without thought, without hesitation. Without changing a single thing.

Her selfishness galled her, it picked restlessly against her troubled mind without any form of rhyme or reason.

She turned away from the window, from the silver tinted night, pulled the covers over her head and suffered over her dark piece of a heart.

She started when something poked her feet.

She ignored it.

She felt it a second time where she finally thrust out her honey blond head from beneath her blanket and snapped. "What?"

Leo was a looming shadow even in the dark although moonlight glinted on each russet strand on his head. "Would you give your life for Natsume?"

Mikan narrowed her amber eyes. "I thought I already proved that."

Leo looked down on her from the foot of the bed. "I know that you would die for him." He paused, calculating. "But would you give your life for him?"

Mikan wondered about the odd way he put the question, sensed the gravity and speculation in his demeanor but didn't quite see what the distinction was between the two.

"Well, would you?" He prodded.

Without taking her eyes off of the older boy, she sat up in her bed.

They stared at each other in the play of shadow and light.

--

_What is love?_

_Love is the simple wish for someone's eternal happiness, above all else._

_--_

Natsume squinted against the light that crawled slowly on the floor from the crack at the door and watched cautiously as Leo stepped in.

The seriousness of Leo's face changed into an amused smile. "Congratulations, Natsume. You're out."


End file.
